Desperately Seeking Suzin

Bye bye self.....it's been fun, but I have found Somebody else

2011-01-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

I have left the building....I will no longer update this blog....

Come and visit at All the pretty things

Suzin

Distraction-my sin of choice

2011-01-26T10:11:00.000-05:00

Seeking me...Really, what was I thinking!

2011-01-26T10:07:00.000-05:00

So most of the "comments" I receive from this blog come through email. I am not sure what that is about-why people don't comment right where there is a comment button, but whatever.. perhaps it is more personal, more private, and I get that for sure. I have made some nice connections with people through this blog thing and I like that.

Anyway... in talking with one of those people, something that she said really grabbed me.. I mean, light bulb, ahh moment, divine revelation-you know those moments....

So, as a result I am changing this blog and the blog name and all of that.. and given that I am not that frequent of a blogger, perhaps I will lose some readers-the ones that don't comment, just view. Maybe they won't be able to find me, but I will try to figure out some sort of re-routing thing. Those regulars-well, we email each other for the most part, so they'll get it...

Desperately seeking suzin....a popular 80s movie, which of course is where I got the title, but it's message and the point of this blog was in some small way to journal my quest for self-discovery. I know, sounds sort of "New Agey" and that really wasn't my intention, it is just that for many years, I have felt like someone with multiple personality, with two sets of lives, two sets of desires, two sets of values, and all polar opposite... So, I was thinking that through journaling and basically processing my thoughts through the written form.. well, that would help me merge the two worlds.

What I realized... with the help, of course, of some pretty great friends, is that I am seeking ME, and quite frankly, I am not who I should be seeking. Of course, I am still struggling, of course I am still working through things, of course I feel no more settled and secure that I did before this whole blog thing... I am most definitely seeking the wrong person....I have the wrong Autopilot!!!

Almost every discussion with friends, almost every message preached on Sunday, every Bible Study time, every book, every song, every "inner nudge" has been pointing to the same thing... I need to really forget about me and focus on Him-a deeper relationship, a more intentional seeking of His will, His desires, His values....This blog title in light of this revelation (which I realize is common sense if you are a Christian, but I cannot begin to tell you how deep this truth is for me right now and how radically it is changing my life.. and in ways I am not that comfortable with let me tell you, but that is a post for a different day..) seems almost sacreligious.

So, off I got to find something different. A new name, a new focus, new themes, more pictures... Yes, Jenny I heard you!!! Of course, I have to figure out how to do all of that, but hey, the one great thing about Gary not working out of the house is that he is pretty handy with all of this.....

Seeking something that most certainly is not me......

Me

Truth

2011-01-18T07:14:00.000-05:00

Hold Onto Your Kids!!!!

2011-01-10T19:10:00.000-05:00

This book has completely changed the entire way I parent. I mean, I am pretty "smart" when it comes to this parenting thing. I taught parenting courses early in my social work career and studied child development, parenting approaches, and various family theories. When I say "smart" of course we know what that means-book smart. You have to remember, I taught parenting before I even had children!!! Who lets someone do that. I knew really nothing to be honest....

I spend my days now, as my side bar indicates, working with children who have been abused, suffered various traumas, etc. As a result, I have access to child psychologists and attend a variety of workshops and training. I am lucky in a sense, although I do talk often about how my work, specifically in attachment theory (which I fully subscribe to, by the way, and not the Dr. Sears version, but actually scientific attachment theory, but I digress...) completely messed up the first 6 months of my parenting journey, but that is a story for another time!!

Anyway, the program I work has the work of Daniel Hughes as our foundation, but lately, we have been studying and learning about the work of Gordan Neufeld. He wrote the book shown above, Hold Onto Your Kids. I saw him lecture in Ottawa about a year ago, then watched a DVD he has based on the book and then re-read the book again. It is so unbelievably life changing for me in terms of the response I give my children, specifically Mahone. Seamus we have parented following his approaches instinctively given his special needs and emotional sensitivities. Mahone however, we have not, and oh boy, what a difference it makes.

What he recommends takes work and takes a thick skin-there is nothing worse than being in public, having your child be disobedient and you not react in the way that is custom for our society-to actually not really react at all. Trust me, you would be surprised at the reactions from others your lack of reaction causes!!!! I know, I have heard it all in No Frills!!!!

Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the DVD. It is a heavy book in some ways and while some of it is "common sense" and very traditional and back to basics parenting, it totally is counter cultural and fantastic.

A blog I follow-The Parenting Passageway-has been reading the book and provides a summary of each chapter with some comments. I highly recommend anyone interested to look at that blog and the back entries for the chapters they have already reviewed. That particular blog is from a Waldorf perspective, but it is nicely matched with Neufeld's work. In fact, maybe that is why it reasonates so deep for me-he provides a researched theory and words to something I feel I have known instinctively.

I will say though, one thing I have really learned about myself is how ingrained certain patterns are for me and how even when I know better and fully believe in something different, when I am tired or stressed, I fall back on the same old routines and habits... This book is challenging my inconsistent nature let me tell you!!!!

Anyway, I could write/talk forever about this book, its principles and ideas... It is consuming so much of Gary and I's conversations, not to mention all that I talk about at work, and since this blog is supposed to be about me and my search for what is true to me, then I thought I should share!!

Enjoy

Me

life savings...

2011-01-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

Kevin from Home Alone (the movie): "Oh look, this is Buzz's life savings."

Mahone-watching his favorite movie that perhaps is inappropriate for his age: "What's life savings mama, money?"

Me: "yes, sort of like that."

Mahone: "sometimes life savings can be credit cards mama. Tomorrow let's buy our life savings."

Somewhere in The Middle

2011-01-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

Perspective-a step in Life Makeover

2011-01-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

Today, it is quiet here. Both children have started back to school/daycare and I have the day off. I worked hard on the weekend "dechristmasing" my home and organizing and cleaning so that I could puposefully do nothing today-a real day of relaxing before beginning work tomorrow.
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.

You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....

Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.

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This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.

Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!

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So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!

Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.

I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.

My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.

Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!

Life makeover... I know, it sounds like a bad magazine article!!!!

2010-12-22T07:14:00.000-05:00

A while back, I blogged about the fact that I put off things I don't like... things that are uncomfortable, scary, anything related to pain of any kind, things that will quite frankly take too much time in this "busy" life of mine!!!

Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.

So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.

Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...

My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....

But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.

Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!

Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!

So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!

With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!

That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.

It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!

me

so this is christmas

2010-12-12T06:55:00.000-05:00

This is breakfast...

2010-11-16T06:39:00.000-05:00

So it is a hockey morning here, which means Seamus and Gary left the house at 5:15. Mahone always wakes early that day as well-hearing the noises in the morning in a tiny house will do that!!

On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!

But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.

This is the smile he gives for every picture... and yes, he is sitting on our coffee table!!!

What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????

I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!

So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!

Here's to breakfast!!

me.

Beautiful

2010-11-13T06:35:00.001-05:00

I work with children who have been severely physically, sexually, emotionally abused... Children who have been neglected, exposed to domestic violence, forgotten.....

This is my life's work. There are days I can't catch my breath because their horror is too much to bear. There are days when I laugh and go to Dairy Queen-because they have never even been to Dairy Queen. There are days when I am angry and fighting with a parent, a teacher, a judge...

I have been doing this work for a long time-10+ years and people who are new ask me all the time how I learn to seperate myself and my life from my work-how do I put all the sadness in a box. I tell them I don't. I don't ever want to do that... While it hurts, I want to feel it every time. It should always bother me when a child talks about beatings and middle of the night intrusions and watching mommy inject herself with needles... THAT SHOULD ALWAYS HURT AND I DON'T WANT THAT EVER IN A BOX. It should absolutely effect my sleep, my relationships, my parenting. If I start to lose that... if I become desensitized, then I will leave.

What gives me hope is that I know is God is bigger than their abuse. He is bigger than their history, their trauma, their confusion.... I tell them God created them for a purpose and that while there is nothing in me that believes God caused their abuse, He can certainly use their horror for good... He specializes in turning hell into heaven...

Please know that if you have had any of these experiences.... if you have not known safety, have not felt loved..... to God, you are Beautiful.

Would the real me stand up?

2010-11-11T06:55:00.000-05:00

Could there be two people existing in the same body... I don't mean in a "mentally unwell manner", just in the everyday-who am I way.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...

of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."

When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"

I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....

My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!

I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.

There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me

getaway

2010-11-09T20:07:00.000-05:00

So with everything going on, with all the craziness, we knew we just had to go!!

You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!

So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!

So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.

We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...

so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....

Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.

never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!

Me

I AM A PROPHET FROM THE LORD..

2010-11-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

Okay... well, maybe not exactly. I am no Joshua (how I love that Veggie Tales Movie), but wow, does the Lord ever have a way of revealing and preparing..

You see life as we have known it for 5 years has come to a screeching halt. I may not have been able to predict exactly what has occurred, but I can tell you, my soul was prepared.

I knew something was coming. I wrote about it on this blog in July and October. This sense from God that something had to give-something was going to be taken away. To be honest, I had such a revelation about it, I was worried-Dare I say I was scared that what He was going to require would be too much for me to bare.

I spoke about it with friends-this gnawing sense that our life was in for a shake-up. I wrote about it in my journal. Gary and I spoke about it so so so many times.

So on Tuesday when my husband greeted me after work with "I lost my job", with tears in his eyes and worry written all over his face......can I say that I was slightly relieved. OH THAT'S IT!!!!!

It isn't the children, it isn't our extended family, it isn't me.....

I am NOT minimizing this in any way. My husband had a GREAT job and like many men, it became his whole identity. It was who he was! and he is a really really hard worker and waking up and having no where to go-well, that is unsettling to say the least. Financially, it is a HUGE kick in the belly and I have been walking around with a budget and a calculator for three days.

So I am not saying in any way that it doesn't hurt. That the sting isn't real. Gary is angry, disappointed, worried, relieved, sad, optimistic all wrapped up in one... and as a wife, sometimes I really don't know what to say to him, how to support him... and I don't like that feeling, because while I am not wife of the year, one thing I do well is support-be in his corner, and to be honest, I don't know what he needs.

But how gracious is God. How marvelous is He... that he would have been preparing my soul for exactly this. that he would be creating a discontent in me with regards to Gary's job (oh the hours, the late nights, the weekends, the business trips......), a discontent with the pace of it all, trying to juggle his high profile, intense career, with mine-perhaps not as high profile, but certainly intense-and oh yeah....parenting two children, and having friends, and living!!!

We both woke up a couple of days ago, looked at each other and KNEW... without a shadow of doubt-we would be okay; things will work out; this will be for the best,even if it doesn't feel like it now. God is doing a work in our family, in me, in my husband, in our lifestyle, and who knows, there may be more "weeding" required, but somehow we will work through it...

The fog has lifted for me- and while I am scared as all get out, and have more questions than answers, and who in the world knows how in the bills get paid..... I feel better than I have in months!!!!

time - out

2010-10-30T15:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the absence.

Life is going too fast and the 2 x 4 has arrived-those who read earlier entries know what I mean.

This is beyond having a bad day; beyond the everyday busy.

Life is hurting a little; creating in me something I don't like-a constant "edge", a constant discontent.

So I have taken a break from lots of things-no computer, no phone, no email, nothing outside of the bare necessities. Even that really isn't enough, so I am pretty sure something else is going to have to give-hence, the hurt.

I know in the end it all works out-in the end it doesn't just work out-it is better. I have been through enough of these trials of faith to know that-it is just hard to live through it.

me

Really......6am....

2010-09-21T06:19:00.000-04:00

So I knew life was going to change when the letter arrived. I may not have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but I knew my life was going to be consumed in an incredible way......

The letter: we received it last May and it informed us that Seamus had made the AA Rep Hockey team in our town. This is the best he can play for his age, and oh boy was he over the moon!! He had worked hard, tried out, and did his very best. Is it wrong that a very small part of me was kind of hoping the answer was no..yeah, I know it was wrong.

You see Rep hockey requires tons of money....and I mean tons.... and lots of travel. I kind of had my head around all of that and for a girl who rarely stayed in hotels growing up, I LOVE THEM, and this could be fun right???

But practices 6:00am every Tuesday morning-practices in which you need to be there 1/2 hour before and we live about 10 minutes away....well, you get the picture. Seamus rolled out of bed today at 5:10.....

The only bright spot of this..... Gary brings him!!!!!!!!!

Me

I hate my life.....

2010-09-16T21:50:00.000-04:00

Do you know how many times I have thought, mumbled, sometimes shouted those words in the last few weeks.

To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!

Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left.

Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.

Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!

Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.

Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!

and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....

So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....

and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....

He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....

and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much

healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again

My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!

Me

Back to School Blues....

2010-09-07T13:58:00.000-04:00

Oh he was so so excited. He could barely sleep last night. The book-bag was packed, the pencils sharpened, new erasers and highlighters and a pencil case, new indoor shoes that are just perfect.... all in the bag, organized and ready. Special breakfast this morning-pancakes, his favorite. Gary was up early, had everything ready and cooked for him so when he woke up, he could smell it and eat right away. Smiles as large as anything.......

Until we get there......

You see I knew he wasn't getting the fun teacher, the one that everyone wants, the one that is SOOO laid back and builds tree forts and plays Mantracker and always smiles and never yells!!! I have had many many conversations-perhaps too many-with the teachers deciding what would be best for Seamus this year. He has had the BEST teachers...in fact, back in my " I would never put my children in public school days" I didn't think teachers like this existed, but oh they do and they were wonderful... still are wonderful. He had very strong, very firm, yet very kind and wise female teachers, but this year he wanted something different, and to be honest I wanted something different for him too....and well, the fun Mr. Mac would have been just great...

But not to be and I knew it. So, I spent the last couple of weeks preparing him. Highlighting how much the other teacher-the once again, firm, strong and kind female-really was great, and really really wanted him in her class, and how he is just oh so smart and works so hard that being with the grade 4s, in a 3/4 split class would mean he could learn so many cool things, and that I was "pretty sure" his very best friend was going to be in that split class. He never really processed it out loud with me, but the last couple of days I heard him talk even more about how great it would be to be with that best friend, and how in "her class, we will get to build these really cool castles and learn more about knights and midevil times"-he really was working hard to convince himself this was going to be alright...

But this morning, when all of his other friends were running around screaming with delight that they were in Mr. Mac's and when his very very best friend wasn't there because they decided to spend an extra couple days in Germany-where they are from-and he is standing in line watching so outgoing and laughing Mr. Mac high five everyone and his teacher comes out, so prim and proper and reminds them to "stay in line" and there is no one-no real close friend there with him.......

Well, let's just say that Mama came over and he came home with me-just until recess. Just so we could process that best friend will be back very soon and she really is a nice teacher and he does have friends there, just maybe not the ones he was thinking, and he will learn about castles and knights and wow, he is so stinking smart.......and after some tears-from both of us to be honest, he was ready to go back and he did, quite well I might add and went bravely into that classroom and blew a kiss good-bye saying "I'm fine now mom." and I left.....

left to go to the office to ask about these class lists and really....no other close friend... and really couldn't he have the fun one for once and we talk and we talk and when I am done talking and hashing it all out, I feel better. I know he needs to be there, I know he simply CANNOT handle SOOOO laid back and that he is too bright and when bored, wow, he acts up and he starts to look like a really "bad kid" and that I assure you he is not.....

So today I am thankful.... thankful that Seamus has come so far that with some time and processing and talking it through, he was able to get it together and be so brave to go back to that not-so-fun class. I am thankful that his teachers really are looking out for him-even if it doesn't feel like it-and they are SOO SOOO invested in him having a good year and that I could talk to them and lay out my concerns and to be honest, they would have switched him, they really would have, and isn't that great, and for the extra support staff they have to talk with him about hockey and to ask about the summer and make him feel okay when he is missing that best friend......

I cannot ever believe there was a time that I spoke so terribly about "the public school system". Seamus, with his whole host of things/issues/struggles/quirks-he is thriving and learning like crazy and they are great, really really great. and he has met the most interesting kids-kids from totally different cultures, and value systems, and family make-ups and I LOVE IT. He isn't just learning about those things, he is living it and wow, those are so amazing life lessons to learn when you are 7-about faith and being true to Jesus when your really great friend is Muslim, about saying no to violent video games when you play at a friends house who is allowed to play anything, about saying sorry and realizing that our friends, even at 7 can mean everything and we can really hurt them.......

Rocky start, but I have a feeling this is going to be a good one.....

me

Superhero

2010-09-04T19:06:00.000-04:00

I am in the shower and I hear it.... the same thing I hear just about everytime I take a shower. Running, hard thumps, screaming, and general noise....up to no good noise!!!

I am just about to yell out, to remind them of the rules of the house, to tell them STOP in perhaps not the most friendly manner, when wait.... what is that I here:

"I am the superhero now, where is that villian? Run oh run as fast as you can," with more screaming and running. But that voice is not the children, it's my husband Gary.

I guess he decided to join in the fun and who I am to stop that!!!

To be honest, with the shift in perspective-smiling as I stand there soaking wet and picturing them running all through the house, laughing at daddy who is now wearing a really really small red cape-the noise didn't seem so bad and I found myself wondering what do I always feel the need to STOP IT.... to make their play clean and tidy, quiet and controlled.

Life is messy and loud and chaos and craziness. Wow, that is hard for me to accept. I have the vision in my mind about what my life should look like and sometimes two really active, loud, dare I say aggressive sports loving, wrestling fanatics, boys don't always fit into my perfect vision. Silly really...

I am so busy cleaning up from my life, that I am actually not living it!!!

For that moment, Dad was Superhero because he allowed himself the pure pleasure of joining, accepting them both for exactly who they are and flying through the house in a red cape...

Now that's living....

Me

PS: sorry for the quietness on this space. Thanks for the emails wondering-at least I know you are out there!!! Work has really really been beyond busy, in fact, emotionally very difficult with tough decisions being made for children and really tough days. At the end, I barely have enough to give to those who are the most important. Things are looking up though and settling, so life should resume a little more like normal.

The worst about the going is the leaving....

2010-08-16T12:27:00.002-04:00

We have returned from our vacation in Nova Scotia. We arrived home at around 8:00 on Saturday night and I cannot even tell you how wonderful it was to get out of the car after two days and 18 hours of driving. The children were unbelievable for the journey, including our not-quite-there toilet training 3 year old. I will say however that I am unsure how I would do that drive without portable DVD players... there are only so many kids songs to sing and road games to play....

We had the best time as per usual. We stay with cousins on a dairy farm-they have 4 children, about forty seven toy tractors and patience and love unlike any family I know. I sincerely mean that-they are hands down the most wonderful family I have ever been around. I am not saying they are perfect-I am not saying we would live the exact same way-but my oh my, it is just so warming to be with them. Gracious, welcoming, nurturing and the best food you can eat!!!!! Taken care of for a week-who wouldn't love it.

Of course something so good is so bad to leave. It aches, it stings, it smurts (as we say in Newfoundland..)While I love my life, I love my home (okay, that is a stretch, but you get the point), it is hard to drive out of that driveway and away from that life and those people. Seamus did really well. He said good-bye, which was more than he could do last year as he was crying in the back seat. He really talked about getting home and playing with his friends here. He really was fine....until we pulled in the driveway and he jumped out of the car and just stood there. I went to him, kneeling before him and he began to sob. I don't mean cry a little tear, have a little moment.... I mean SOB. I held him, rubbed his back, carried him in the house.."now that I see my house, I really know we are home mom and I don't want to be here, I want to be there." He begged and begged for us to get back in the car and drive as quickly as we could back to the farm, his cousins, his family, the life he wants to live. I just held him and told him I know he misses it, I miss it, we will be back again, how wonderful we have somewhere to visit with people who love us, and on and on.... He continued to sob, shaking, losing control. Cold cloths, reminders to breath..

Wow, the depth of the sweet is matched with the depth of the bitter....and oh how sweet it is...

The view from the front yard.

The beloved table, where we were served the best home cooking and where we spent literally hours of our time.

The ocean-Seamus' first request is to go back to the ocean-the walked the shores for almost 2 hours, discovered a waterfall and secret caves. We then ate fish, caught right at this spot, and after supper, returned to the shore. The tide was in and there shore was gone. Of course, that just meant we stood in it and felt the cold ocean water and felt the power of the waves. A highlight of the trip as it was last year. There really is something about the ocean that takes your breath away.

Almost daily trips to the cottage. It is only 5 minutes away, up the hill. This literally is the way we drove there. I know, I know.... I am sure a few laws are being broken here, but we survived....

The cottage-where we sat, relaxed, swam, cooled off, played ball, ate.....

The Fisheries Museum...Oh what fun that was in an historic community-Lunenburg, home of the Bluenose. The whole town has been designated a Unesco World Heritage Site, so it has to remain true to its history. I loved the colors of the homes-purple, yellow, blue... Breathtaking. We had a horse drawn buggy tour of the town, we explored all the sea creatures and boats, and the boys ended their day with a boat tour, where they went fishing, saw "the tail of a whale mom I am sure" and saw the most beautiful seal-5 feet from the boat, showing off for them. Magnificient!!! It really was a great day, even with Mahone breaking down towards the end... really, what could you expect!!!!

We spent an afternoon at Halifax Harbour. I love that city!!! We had an amazing time with exploring everything. The Navy boat was it and Mahone LOVED the lighthouse. It was so busy, but so great. Right on the warf, there are bouncy castles and kids activities, so Mahone and Seamus were having a ball. I kept asking-"they can't fall out of this right?" If they fell, it would have been in the Atlantic ocean... You could spend weeks in Halifax and not see everything. Simply the best city!!!!

Nightly hockey games, in which Kyla (who is 10) set up elaborate tickets, admission and assigned seating in the basement. this was serious stuff. I must have hours of video of this. Hard to keep Mahone out of the way of the puck..Mahone and the dog actually... but he became the video guy, so he was happy. These games started around 10:00pm so that should give you a sense of our non-existant bedtime routine. We basically all collapsed in the same bed the same time every night-sometimes close to 11:30. We slept in... well, the children did. Gary and I got up and had our tea before our days really started. Every morning, again around the big table for a big breakfast. I really enjoy the way these farmers eat!!!!!!

Mahone's eating companion, Chad. For almost every meal, Mahone sat with Chad to eat and most often, ate right off his plate. Chad, who is leaving this fall for Agriculture College to follow the path of his father, and grandfather, and great grandfather... well, you get it. He was Mahone's most faithful friend, taking him for rides of the tractors and Skidsteers, showing him all the cows and around all the barns. Tickling and teasing, and laughing and hanging upside down and pretending to be "baby Darth Vadar " (Don't ask me, I have no idea how you play baby Darth Vadar but apparently Mahone does!!!) I have never seen a more patient, sensible, kind and warm teenage boy!!! What a blessing he was to us.

And we are home..... the suitcases are unpacked, the gifts and souvenirs delivered to friends, the coolers emptied. Yesterday, we were bone tired!!! The boys, including Gary, were slightly silly they were so tired!!! Mahone napped, Seamus spent the afternoon with his neighbor friends, I bought bags and bags full of groceries, and Gary watched Harry Potter.

Seamus asks this morning "do you think we can ever move there mom, I mean ever?" We talk about all we would miss here and our really great life and all of our blessings and how much fun visiting is and how living somewhere is different and on and on.... He just looks at me and says he gets it, but again "ever mom?"

Me.

Homeward Bound.....well, sort of.....

2010-08-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

We are leaving today for Nova Scotia. It is kind of a last minute decision. This year, I didn't take a lot of holidays for the summer and Seamus was in Lacrosse Provincials in Whitby during some of my vacation time, so we don't have that much time or quite frankly, that much money....but the lure of the East Coast and the begging from the children to see their cousins and the farm was too much and we have given in. We are so so excited.

I am from Newfoundland and love to visit there. I haven't been in some time now, but that takes more time and more money, so it will have to wait a little while. That's the next trip for sure. Newfoundland is home to me and I cannot describe the feeling of comfort and all being familiar I have when I am there.

BUT....Nova Scotia is home for us in so many ways. I met Gary there, we went to University there (ACADIA), Gary has family with a huge dairy farm and people so good they are unreal!!! When we are there, we are completely at peace. It just feels right and good and wonderful. The children adore it and spend hours playing with their cousins, riding tractors and looking at the cows, swimming in the lake and playing XBOX (perhaps something Seamus is looking forward the most!!!) If we could live anywhere, it would be there!!!!

So this space will be very quiet for a week...

Me

One of THOSE days....already

2010-07-27T08:18:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had one of THOSE days....and it is only 7:45am?

Welcome to my morning!!!

It started fine, and to be honest I am not even sure where it took it's turn. Seamus lost a tooth yesterday so he woke up excited as anything that there was money in his tooth pouch. He seemed okay, content, settled, fine. Gary was helping make breakfast, I was making lunches (Seamus is at hockey camp so back making lunches this week), and it all was going along nicely.....

I looked at the clock, realized Gary and Seamus only had 15 minutes to be ready. They were in the room "chewing the fat" (talking nothing) and I said, perhaps not in the best tone to Gary, enough of that. We need to get everything ready. Okay, I admit, I was rushing, but I know how it will be when it is 7:30 and they are not ready. I also know how long it takes Seamus to do his morning routines, so I need to set the pace.. Well, that had to be it-that had to be THE MOMENT when it all went to pot!!!!!

Shortly after, Seamus is screaming (and when he screams/blow, he really does!!! I cannot even describe how dysregulated he becomes), becoming very defiant and argumentative. NOTHING was right. He didn't want that bread, didn't want it toasted, didn't want butter, didn't want to wear that shirt.... I think you get the picture. Of course, he is screaming all of this to us and well..let's just say after some time of patiently ignoring him and taking deep breaths, I start to scream back. Enter Gary to the rescue, however by this time Seamus has pushed ALL of his buttons and Gary is not exactly in the peaceful frame of mind. Mahone is outside playing. But of course, in the midst of it all, he comes back inside. Seamus continues to blow and we realize we have lost him.

We have "lost" him many times before. More often when he was not medicated, but lately a little more often again. Bipolar Disorder in children looks different than in adults. It is not the highs and lows per se, it is an extreme general irritability. When I say extreme, I mean EXTREME, DESTRUCTIVE, INTENSE, LOUD!!! I know this and I know really he is not in control, but in the moment, it is so hard to keep control myself. It is so hard to be yelled at, disrespected, called names.... even a mother can have her feelings hurt!!!!

He settles and begins to cry. That is the way it goes for him. A full cycle in 20 minutes. He has had his high, here is his low. He leaves for camp and my heart is as heavy as lead. I don't want that to be the way he goes out into the world!!!

Mahone of course is now screaming because I have told him he needs to come in to get ready for the day. He starts to hit my leg and I kid you not, throw his shoes at me. I have deja vu as I remember Seamus throwing his shoes at me when he was younger. I am triggered and frightened. I don't want the same for him. I am desperate for Mahone to just be "normal"-whatever that means!!!! I am calm by now, which is better. I gently escort him to his room in silence, where he is to stay until his shoe throwing moments are passed. He is there for only a couple of minutes and I realize-Seamus would have been there for an hour-I am filled with hope again-just normal 3 year old stuff!!!

So now, in writing this, I have taken the 10 minutes to breath and focus on something other than wondering why God would let me, with all of my faults and shortcomings, parent such a high needs boy? and wondering what is wrong with me that I just can't keep my cool in all of this? and wondering how to go about my time letting this go?

and really getting God's grace, just a little, because despite the name calling and the defiance, all of my thoughts of Seamus now are good and wonderful and sweet and vulnerable.

My goodness.. it is only of THOSE mornings, but here's to it being a better day!!

Me

The 2x4.....

2010-07-22T07:19:00.000-04:00

I am feeling God nudge.....I am somewhat scared of what He is asking me....My not listening isn't my not hearing, it is my disobedience.

A rainbow, a sign of hope and faithfulness and trust-first shown to Noah after the flood....after he listened to God's nudge, and was faithful. That faithfulness was not without consequence. He was isolated from his peers, he was teased and critized. I am sure there was some conflicts in his relationships with his family-I can imagine his wife thinking he may have gone just a little crazy. and yet, HE OBEYED.

Decisions are being made in this home, plans are being written down, commitments are being finalized. Not sure if I am ready to build the arc quiet yet, but I have the building plan and materials.

I believe God nudges, because he is oh so gracious and patient with us. He whispers gently, he leads softly....until you ignore Him, you reject Him, you disobey Him....and then He doesn't nudge, He pushes. He uses a 2x4 and He gets you to get it...to get Him.

The last time I needed the 2x4, Seamus was 15 months old, in a hospital bed, hooked up to goodness knows what, and I was sitting in a rocking chair, worried, terrified actually, and the specialist told my husband that if we were 5 minutes later, he would've died, and I continued to rock and rock and weep at my choices, weep at the times I felt God nudge and didn't listen, and I held my baby, careful of the tubes, and I offered him up as my sacrifice, my Isaac, and was thankful that God provided a ram-so thankful.

I live in the awareness of those moments, so when the nudging comes, I halt....

I'm not saying God caused my child to be sick to teach me a lesson. I am not saying that God makes horrible things happen to get back at us for being willful and rebellious. I do however people that the One who controls everything, the entire creation, has the right to use anything, to allow anything, to show us HIM.

The last time it was my beloved child, my richest blessing, my most cherished. What will God use this time if I continue in disobedience? What will it take to get my attention? What will be required for sacrifice?

I am feeling God nudge.........

Me

Another World......

2010-07-17T08:00:00.000-04:00

So a couple of nights ago, my in-laws were driving the children to the arena for Seamus' lacrosse. They had a extra minute or two, so they decided to drive through the cemetery-Seamus' most favorite thing to do. I kid you not! He LOVES cemeteries; points them out on all of our drives; likes looking at the headstones, reading information about people-I mean it is his best field trip!!!! Weird maybe, but there are more unusual things right????

Anyway...... So Mahone is in the back seat looking around. He has not been to cemeteries like Seamus and my in-laws were clear that they told him NOTHING about the place-just driving through an odd looking field. Mahone then calls out from the back seat in such a surprised, I-just-remembered-something, expression "Hey, I used to work here."

Continuing down the lane, he states in hushed tones "I met God in this forest."

At that exact point, they were driving be my mother-in-law's grandparent's headstones....

The next night, he is sitting playing MoonSand with his gramma and out of nowhere-"I liked taking care of you when you were a baby." In two days, it is the anniversary of my mother-in-law mother's death. She says every year around this time, she gets little messages-two years ago, it was the sudden smell of her mother's perfume, the year prior to that, Seamus looked right at her "there's a grandpa behind you gramma, he's smiling at you "

A little chill up the back of the neck, a goosebump feeling...

I have a million stories to share about Seamus' experiences of seeing things, feeling a presence, having regular "visitors"-"say goodnight to Rose mom, she is at the end of my bed", the statements that seem to be from a different time.....

Some people say it is creepy. While I get that it is somewhat startling, I choose not to look at it as scary. We don't believe in past lives, we don't believe in reincarnation-those concepts are not biblical. However, I do believe in Angels and Spirits and that God makes himself known sometimes so closely with little children-and while when Seamus is telling us at 3-"I don't like when the it is the children ones that visit me, I like the older ones better", and Mahone at the same age says "I met God in this forest"-I get it can seem a little out there!!

Seamus is almost 8 now and the stories and "visions" have stopped-or at least he has stopped telling us about it. He does however continue to have the fascination with Angels, Spirits and yes, cemeteries. Mahone is just starting to talk about these types of things.

I long for them always to feel such a sense of God, such a connection to 'what is not of this life.' As close to God as they can-that's my goal for my children, and if along the way, they creep a few people out, I'm fine with that.

Me.

My kids have ways of doing that

Oh what a night....

2010-07-09T23:55:00.003-04:00

Just came home from seeing ELTON JOHN in concert, and while he did not play my favorite song by him-Sacrifice, it was unbelievably wonderful.

He can make that piano sing... 3 hours of nothing but playing and singing. He didn't talk, there was no intermission.

Our seats were about 20 feet from him....and yes, I forgot my camera and my feather boa.

Me

"I'm three mama, I'm three...This party, this balloon-it is all for me"

2010-07-09T07:50:00.000-04:00

Mahone is 3. I truly can hardly believe it. While there are moments, in fact entire days in which I wish my time away-there are other moments I wish time would stand still.

I can remember every detail of my first days with Mahone. I had tried for over 2 years to conceive Mahone and while I was content and grateful for Seamus, I just felt our family was not complete...and then came Mahone. A true blessing, a true joy. I cannot imagine my life, our family without him.

Mahone began as a very laid back child-I think the second child tend to be that way. He was so content. Of course, he had it pretty good. He was in my arms all the time-babywearing was very important to me for really the first full year. He was constantly in his sling, either sleeping or simply observing the routines of our days. He spent hours at Seamus' school-luckily, it was a small private Waldorf school, so they had a beautiful and very soothing parent room and a wonderful yard her could explore later as he was a little older.

As soon as he was scooting around, Mahone really showed his curious nature. He was always trying to figure something out, reach for the brightest colored book, touch absolutely everything... All this to say, he was a climber, into everything and required full supervision at all times, because quite frankly, you never knew what he was into!!! That "curious" nature is still there!

Mahone is so active, so busy, can talk like an old man, is independent (and by that I mean in the morning he often pulls over a chair, opens the bread box, takes out his bread, puts it in the toaster and waits for it, then removes it to a plate and calls out for help just with spreading the butter-I kid you not!!!)He is becoming a little less laid back-okay A LOT less laid back and beginning to express himself through screaming and just saying NO very loudly when he is not happy-that's normal right???

He loves construction; he loves farms and anything John Deere; he loves sweets and unlike Seamus would eat and eat cookies and cakes; he loves swimming and splashing; he loves being around people; he loves swinging (which he has been able to do without even a starting push for about 4 months) and boy oh boy, does he love his mama. I am not sure what I did differently for Mahone, but while Seamus "preferred" me, Mahone DEMANDS me. While at times it can just all be too much I have to admit there is nothing better than hearing my littlest "let's cuddle mama, I need to be with you mama." It really does make me stop and just enjoy the moment and soak up all Mahone is!!!!

We just had a family (with friends along as well who are family) birthday-I hope he never looks at pictures of the elaborate parties we had for Seamus-on the day of his actual birthday. There was a construction cake, balloons tied to bottles of bubbles, a new sprinkler and lots and lots of food. A perfect time.

Here's gramma-the ever present "helper" cutting the hamburger buns, helping set up all the food-Seamus who was "so hungry mom", reaching for a little something.

Have you seen anything cuter, especially for a boy who LOVES turtles. Our friend Jenn made this for him and oh, it was so yummy!!!

As per usual, too many presents and he needed convincing to stay and open them all. Every year I say-less is more, less is more and every year everything looks just "so cute, oh Gary, he would love it."

How could there be anything different for our guy than construction vehicles. He slept with the machines last night-"mama, I just need to sleep with my birthday trucks."

Enjoying every bite of that cake-and very heppy to be surrounded by all his family and friends.....

Me.

My "doing life together" friend...

2010-06-27T17:37:00.000-04:00

I cannot tell you how fun it is to really think about the friendships, the women, who make up my community. It is certainly interesting trying to fit people in categories-to boil them down a little to make a simple blog entry.

This friend I have known about for a almost 12 years. I have seen her, had little chit chat conversations, talked about weather and children and houses.

About 3 and half years ago, when I was pregnant with Mahone, I really started talking to her. I was home and she was home and as the weather became nicer, well, the chit chat became more frequent, the conversations a little more personal and the tea began to flow.

Well, considering she lives about 3 doors down from me, you can imagine how it really didn't take much for a casual-"I know you" to become a real friendship.

She has two girls, older than my boys. They have very much developed a sibling relationship in which they are the older sisters. That comes with all the love and all the fights typical of any sibling connection. They cuddle Mahone, fight over who can hold his hand and the oldest has even "babysat" ( I say that loosely given that we were literally down the road, but hey when you are 12 and someone pays you $10.00, it is babysitting!). The children love each other and I love that they do.

We really do life together.

I see her almost everyday. We have tea together almost every day. We talk about what we are having for supper, I let her know my daily weekend plans, we look at the flyers together every week and decide where we will shop and what errands we need to do. I am there for the birthday parties, as her assistant-she is there for mine. We watch movies on Saturday night at my house. The husbands visit at her's. I look through a billion paint chips to help choose the perfect bathroom color. She helps me re-arrange my living room weekly. She has seen me in my pajamas, with all my hair sticking up and no bra!!! I have sat on her bed on Sunday morning as she wakes to watch Cornation Street. Yeah.... life together!!!

The friendship really is based in the everyday. We have opposing views on tons of "deeper" issues-a woman's right to choose-I am pro-choice, whether a mom should/can work outside the home (obviously since I am doing it, I support that choice), the purchase of more expensive, but ethically made products/food (she LOVES Wal-Mart) and the list goes on....

She is an unbelievable helper, she is an unbelievable mother and someone who loves on my children, she is consistent and always there, she is so fun and loves to dance and sing.

She is a neighbor, she is a friend, she is family.

Me.

Friendship

2010-06-25T06:58:00.000-04:00

So when I was reading my blog entry about my "Diana", I thought I could write a entry like that for other friends as well. And when I shared with my "Diana" what I had written, she was so touched that I would write about her that I thought..I don't think we communicate the "heart" stuff real well... or at least I don't communicate the heart stuff real well.

So I will write a series (a short one considering just how many really close friends can one have) on what some of my friendships have meant to me. In thinking about this series, it has been really interesting to really see the uniqueness of each friendship and their role in my life, and how so often it reflects the stage of life.

So today, I am talking about a friend I met about 5 years ago. We attended the same church and for the first little while, I never really connected with her. We attended the same bible study and eventually they held it at their home and somehow, over time, we started connecting. Our church had a winter thing at a farm and I invited her to go with her children. She came and I think we spent every Saturday together...and lots of other days as well... for 2 years. The friendship began based on having someone for our children to play with, and became of course something deeper...

She was then, and still is, the person I could tell my deepest darkest secret to. She is completely trustworthy; I won't feel any judgement, any condemnation; She isn't going to hold it over me, remind me often, "rub it in".

Somehow our friendship became that really....I think (I hope) I was that person for her as well. We shared lots of fun times, lots of "darker" times, lots of family birthday parties, births, drama!!!!

We were/are very different in personalities, opinions, lifestyles, but somehow it worked. She inspired me in so many areas and continues to do so.

So she moved....not far, but you know how it is with kids, and working full time and life.... that "not far" mids' well be 2000 miles away. And while I rarely see her, rarely talk to her, am truly not involved with her life at all.... well, there are times I long for her. Sound a little weird-maybe so, but that is the only word I have for it. There are times I just need to tell someone that one not great thought that keeps running through my head, that one fear I have for my child, that one marriage issue that just lurks.....

My life is full; her life is really full. I think I cannot be the friend I need to be, the friend she needs me to be with the distance and our lifestyle (being working all week and spending weekends at an arena somewhere!), so I exit, I keep in touch through the computer, through this blog thing. And while I get it in my brain-I get all the logical factors-the heart I think just misses her.

Me.

PS: check her out in blog land. She really is doing some neat living....

www.proudtobecountry.blogspot.com

Rain rain go away....or just maybe stay around awhile.

2010-06-25T06:32:00.000-04:00

When it looks like this on the outside:

It looks like this on this inside:

Jenga, marbles, puzzles, and a helper washing dishes.... You see I am the rare person who actually likes it when it is rainy, dreary, gloomy. Don't get me wrong, I would not want that every day for sure. I just may go a little crazy literally if that was the case. But to me, a perfect weekend is rain one day, sun the next.

I feel pressure when it is sunny. Pressure that I should be out there in it-with the kids, on my own. We just should get right out and get doing something. The children refuse to stay inside if there is even a peek of sunshine, the neighborhood comes alive here with everyone out playing and working..and well, that is all good. BUT.... sometimes I just want to be hunkered in with a good movie, a game, just us 4 together, without feeling the guilt that we really should be out there, without hearing the children whine and whine (is it only mine that whine!!!) because they want to ride bikes, go to the park, help with the ball that is stuck somewhere...and without having to chase Mahone around!!!

So rain, visit here often.......

She really is my Diana......

2010-06-14T20:32:00.001-04:00

If I am even close to being Anne....

So I have this friend... well, even friend sounds too casual, too insignificant. She is someone I have only known for maybe 2 years, but really-a lifetime. We joke that we share the same brain and are in fact only 1 person. It is a joke, but so real at the same time. I have seriously never had a friend like her...and I don't mean that in a negative way against any of my current friendships or even friendships past-they are all dear to me for lots of reasons, but somehow she is different.

You see I don't always like who I am (and trust me, there are lots of reasons for that-and a post for another day), but I like who I am with her. I never feel judged, never feel "not enough", never feel like I should be better, be something, someone different. She is totally accepting, and believe me, she has seen some not so pretty parts of my personality-the mean side, the petty side, the jealous side, the perfectionist, the controlling nature-yeah, she has seen it all!!! and somehow I am okay with that, and thankfully so is she.

She perhaps is the most thoughtful person I have ever been around...and not just towards me, towards everyone. She has the ability to remember the smallest detail of something you said, bring it up again to you in conversation, remember to ask about it, tell you she is thinking of you, empathize, buy something for you because you mentioned one time in passing it was your favorite childhood candy-she really is that person. A little too good to be true right??? I kid you not.

So really I should not have been surprised. I should have expected what I found on my desk today when I came into work. She has that habit-finding the neatest things in who knows where that I would never think of getting myself, but they are perfect-exactly something I didn't even know I wanted or loved!!! But today, well, it takes the cake, and not just because it was amazing, so unbelievably generous, so so something I desperately wanted, but because she knew my longing and upset wasn't even really about the THING, it was deeper......

Yes, you are looking at the blush tint-you know the one. I don't think I need to re-tell that incident-thank goodness because I am truly just getting over it... You see it really wasn't about the blush or the money wasted, or the mess in my room or on my bag. It was my bitterness really that I felt I had NOTHING of my own-NOTHING SACRED. My room is occupied most nights by my children, my house is a nice mixture of toys and children's books, scattered with actual furniture, my free time is spent entirely with them, I share my tea in the morning, my juice at supper..... well, I think you get the picture... and while I may not have said all of that to her, I think she got it. I think she knows me well enough to know my true sadness-well anger really-was deeper and I think she wanted to make it better.......and oh, she did....

So you see, she is my Diana-kindred spirit (even if she really doesn't even like Anne of Green Gables!!!)

Me

Stay out....

2010-06-06T17:51:00.000-04:00

This is what you install on your bedroom door when you come in from outside and your almost 3 year old looks a certain shade of red and you wonder and wonder-what is that?? and sadly the realization hits and you are almost afraid to look....the white duvet and all.....you see I had in my LUG bag (yes, that would be about an $100.00 purse!!!), another small zippered bag, and inside that small bag, was this new blush/skin tint (NOTE: TINT) that I just purchased three days ago. I realize Mahone's face is the exact color of that tint-funny so is the bag, so are the books in the bag, so is my floor... you get the picture!

The back story is important here for you to really grasp this: you see in November in Toronto I saw this fancy blush that was aghast $30.00 and I COULD NOT bring myself to pay that for me... I mean, seriously vanity right. So, I asked Gary for it for Christmas-somehow as a gift, it seemed more appropriate. Well Christmas came and money was tight as per usual, and I said-don't get that for me.. Months passed and I would go and look at it-for torture really when finally 3 days ago I decided-enough is enough. I am worth it- I would spend it on the house, I would spend it on the children, I would spend it on Gary!!! So, I purchased and used lovingly for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!

ENTER THE ABOVE LOCK!!!!

Sometimes it is simply no fun being mom.... I like him today, but I can tell you yesterday, not so much!!!!!

me.

The Fair....

2010-06-05T08:19:00.000-04:00

Day after day this week we have been driving by the set up for the Fair-the Ferris Wheel, the Strawberries that spin and spin, the really poor quality stuffed animals being hung up for display, the lights, the music.... Each time we pass, Mahone and Seamus, in unison "I can't wait, I can't wait."

I promise Friday night, opening day. So, Friday comes and Gary is not feeling well, which leaves just me with two little ones at the Fair-this may not seem to be such a big deal, other than I am crazy paranoid at those types of things with "creepy people" and my children. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps irrational, but if you knew some of what I know-well let's just call it a workplace hazard!!!! I also have a 2.5 year old that is fairly certain he is 10 and is way too mobile and fast and basically into everything!!!!! I also do not go on any rides-back to irrational fears again. I don't like the feeling, don't like the movement-I am not an adrenaline junkie by any stretch of the imagination....So combined this makes the Fair really not fun at all..

Luckily, grandma and grandpa again to the rescue and the Fair turned out to be lots of fun after all....with only one mild injury and one temper tantrum-all in all, a success!!!!

Me.

What is "special needs" anyway....

2010-06-01T21:17:00.000-04:00

So the doctor's say-"you're little guy has special needs.."; the teacher says "be assured, we can accommodate your son's special needs"; I say to friends "hope everything goes okay with the playdate-not sure if you know but our guy has some special needs."

We have parented both our children using a waldorf approach. A part of that philosophy believes that children are not born necessarily with their temperaments. They sort of "come into their personality" between the ages of 6-9-only after they lose their first baby teeth-it is a whole other post to explain the teeth thing, just know that losing those teeth is SO important in Waldorf philosophy. Anyway, I say all of that to highlight that while we may believe that, while we parent our children sharing many of Waldorf principles and ideals-well, we KNEW Seamus' temperament real early....not only before he lost his baby teeth-to be honest, before he even had those teeth.

Since Seamus was a baby, we as his parents thought something just wasn't the same as other children. But we were new parents, our first child and quite frankly, what did we know!! Also, having the job I have working with children every day who are truly suffering with emotional difficulties, well, you start to sort of make everything a big deal. Fast forward a few years and we finally had to admit we were at a lost. Hard to admit really when for a living you help kids and now I couldn't help my own!!!!

You see I was on my soapbox preaching that he was just a regular boy and our society didn't handle regular boys well and there was nothing wrong with him, but there was something wrong with everyone else-as an aside, I still truly believe our society does not handle boys well, but again, another post. But really my soapbox was actually hurting him. He was out of control, he was not managing school-an alternate Waldorf school that really provided lots of movement and hands on, lots of the boy stuff he needed. He also was not managing home-or more accurately we were not managing him at home, especially with the tantrums. When I say tantrums, I do not mean a 20 minute fit, I mean a 2-3 hour explosion that would always end in something broken, a room trashed and both of us sobbing...

So I got down from my preaching post and sought help. Not necessarily the conventional help at first, choosing to focus on helping him process his emotions, rather than just dealing with the behavior. After some time, Seamus was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. This was a whole new world for us, including a change in diet, at home "exercises" and therapy with an Occupational Therapist. We immediately changed our perception of him and our approach to him. We finally understood him (As an aside, if you are interested in learning more, read the Out of Sync Child-excellent resource). Later he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (like every boy could be I'm sure-see that soapbox preaching coming out!!!). Most recently our doctor, who I really really didn't like, yet who has turned out to be quite wonderful, has implied that we may actually be looking at a mood disorder that could possibly develop as he comes older, something like Bipolar Disorder. Who knows!!!!

I wrote this post because a couple of people who know me outside of this space have been asking some questions about our journey with Seamus-hope this is helpful. I also realize that people are reading this that I may not even know who maybe on similar paths-please be encouraged!!

Seamus certainly meets the definition for "special needs", but to us, he is simply SPECIAL. He is everything I wanted in a child-spirited, independent, free thinking, creative, dramatic, opinionated, kind, compassionate, a real "go big or go home" personality, competitive-yet feels bad for the other team...Well, we really like him in this house and to be honest, I couldn't have always said that!!!

So again it is nighttime and we know how much Seamus comes alive at night. Buzzing around me playing with his skateboarders (Techdeck I think is the official name). He is showing me what "grinding" is-if you are interested it is when you run the skateboard along a metal railing. He has just finished eating his second supper (his medication really impacts his appetite and he basically does not eat from breakfast until about 6:00 at which point, he then doesn't stop until he is in dreamland!). He has begun to make his own ramp now with some clay and some cardboard he has found around the house. It wasn't working out quite like he thought, but no throwing the materials in frustration tonight (although that could still happen)-for now, he is sticking with it, trying a new paste to hold it all together.

I'm off to convince him that perhaps the skateboard race could wait until tomorrow as the bed is calling for us......What did I tell you-special right!!!

Me

Love links....

2010-05-27T07:09:00.000-04:00

This has been such a busy time...good busy actually, with a visit from our favorite Auntie Bean (not her real name, but the only name we use!), lots of swimming in the neighbors pool, lots of Mike's Hard Lemonade consumed, gardens planted, slight sunburns for all, and many many BBQs.

Despite the crazy heat-I should say I DO NOT DO WELL IN THE HEAT-this really is such a great time of year. The kids are tanned already- They naturally go very dark in the summer...might have something to do with the lack of sunscreen applied in this house, but that's a post for another day!!! The flowers are blooming, which is so so beautiful. The windows are open, the breeze is in and everyone just seems more relaxed.

Of course, I don't want to paint a fairy tale picture that warm air heals all, because amidst the beauty we have had more than one rough moment (referring back to mama does not do well in the heat). Mahone keeps leaving the house without us knowing (funny how he can already climb the fence and before we know he is actually gone, he is playing on the neighbors swings-AHH!!-again, so thankful we really KNOW our neighbors) and we have a 7 year old that is often refusing to go outside because this year he is SOOOO afraid of bees/wasps!!! I would welcome any suggestions when helping him with that as I am beginning to fear this could be a long summer.

With the busyness of course, I have not been posting here. Who knew this blogging thing took so much thought and time. To ease myself back, thought I would just post some online wanderings that I have been doing lately....

If you are married, please please read this

I am so wanting to read this book

I am redoing my bedroom-It has been our room, Seamus' room, then Seamus and Mahone's, then we moved back in with Mahone, then Mahone left and Seamus moved in (you can imagine the state of the walls with all the changes from actual pictures and art to posters and chaulkboards). Anyway, we are feeling ready to make it our space-at least ours for the most part, until we ALL go to sleep in there. But despite their sleep presence, I can still make it my little refuge of sorts. This bedroom is of my dreams. Not sure I can make it a reality, but did just purchase a iron frame for $5.00 at a flea market, that I think I can make look very similiar.

Every flea market I go to ( I go to a variety of them EVERY weekend), I am looking for these

I feel these emotions daily I think. I find comfort that if SHE feels it, then there is hope for me!!

Me

My day off...

2010-05-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

As a parent who works outside of the home, I have often had conversations with others about how much easier things are for me, you know "not being a full time parent and all." I cannot even begin to explain to you how that statement angers me beyond belief. It strikes me right at the deep part of me and it takes all self-control to just nod and walk away. For one thing, why do women do that? Why do we feel this need to one-up each other, to make us questions ourselves, to feel the need to comment negatively on choices we all make???? I simply don't get it. But that is a post for another day and since I have about 43 pictures (okay, perhaps a slight exaggeration) to show today, I won't write much... Just know that women who work outside of the home for whatever reason-be in financial, because they are single moms, or even aghast, they actually like working, are also in every sense of it-FULL TIME MOMS. I am on call 24-7 as any other mother-I just have one different responsibility thrown in there, being work. I cannot even count the amount of times I have been in meetings, with three more scheduled that day, and have dropped it all because the school has called, the daycare has called-someone is sick, someone is sad, someone is being suspended....I do it because I am mom and that is what mom's do-we respond when our children need us, whether that means we leave our desk or leave the playgroup. So, please if you ever meet me in "real life" please never comment that I am not a full time mom, that somehow my parenting responsibilities are less because I work outside of the home. It is offensive, hurtful and well....wrong!!!

So, some pictures of my most recent "day off". My daycare provider needed some time with her own children, so I used a vacation day from work and too the "day off." Because I am not home throughout the week to accomplish a lot of home stuff-with the exception of still doing laundry and cleaning floors at 10:00pm-I take these days to get it done... so-my life in pictures for 1 day...

The day started nice and early. Not captured by the camera because quite frankly I was too busy to take pictures of the morning routine around here. I prepared breakfasts, made Seamus' lunch, ensured all was in the school bag, put a load of laundry in, showered, gave a kiss good-bye to Seamus and Gary and then....found Mahone in my bed "hidings"-his most favorite idea of a good time-"find me mama, find me!!"

I put toast down for my breakfast. You see somehow I can feed my children and yet, not feed myself. So when Seamus and Gary left, I thought I should eat. I wish this picture was time stamped because you see, it was taken just before supper-YES, SUPPER. I guess I never got around to that....

Outside to play for an hour or so. We played hockey, on the trampoline, the fun new game of weeding flowers!!! By this point, Mahone is now shooting me with a hockey stick-look at that mouth as he makes the noises "shhhshhshhshh-you are dead mama, you are dead!!!" Really how does this happen for a child who rarely watches any TV, certainly nothing violent, we don't have guns in the house-the real or fake!! Welcome to life with BOYS!!!!

Snack time.......

Off we go to the car wash. You see my vacuum just doesn't cut it with the amount of ....well everything.. on the floors, seats, roof of my car. What do we do in there??!!??

Then off to the grocery store. Just needed a few things, but you know how that goes-7 bags and $150.00 later.......Mahone was super great in the store. He loves to grocery shop!! I noticed not going on Saturday was so much nicer-a lot less people and we could take our time and look at everything. That was great!

We ate lunch, watched a show, had some version of "quiet time" (Mahone does not nap, so if he is somewhat quiet and in one place for even the briefest amount of time, we call that quiet time!) After our rest, off to have an oil change and I also returned a mat at Cosco, shoes at Reebok, shoes at Payless (which meant the mall, which meant an ice cream cone at Laura Secord of course!!). I also dropped shoes off at the shoemaker for repair. My mother-in-law came with me for the afternoon trip so that was great.

As an aside, isn't is nice to do things with other women around. I think so. I love to housekeep and grocery shop with other women. My mother-in-law is always around. I almost always grocery shop with my neighbor. When my mother visits, I so enjoy just cleaning through the house and cooking with her. I understand why in the "olden day" women worked side by side.

Moving on.....

Because I was out and about for most of the day, this is what greeted me when I returned-keeping it real here!!Lest you think I am always on top of things.... To be honest, this pile stayed there for a number of days actually growing and growing.....

Gary is unbelievably helpful-when he is home. He has a crazy job schedule, along with being out with Seamus two nights/week at sports, so he is not home near enough, but when he is, how sweet it is!! I am sitting, because quite frankly I am tired. Lots done today, lots played today. Gary came home and swept into gear-he made supper for the boys (and by made, that means warmed up left over kraft dinner, opened yogurt and washed fruit), then started the muffins for us for the week. Nice isn't it!!! How do single mom's do it-saints I say, they are all saints.....

And to end the lovely day, Gary put Mahone to bed (which is rare, so really nice) and Seamus and I went with our neighbors and friends to the library. So so so much fun. I love the library.

It was so nice to spend the time with Mahone; nice to have a change in routine sometimes.. dreaded working the next day.

A glimpse of my day off

Me

"It's your day mom...."

2010-05-09T15:16:00.000-04:00

Yes, indeed it is.. I have been somewhat spoiled today and am loving it...not ashamed to admit that a day dedicated to my role as mom is exciting for me-a day in which with no guilt, I can relax, let someone else make the breakfast, tidy up, change the bums-all while I read a book that I simply cannot put down-The Forgotten Garden-excellent-as an aside...

Seamus rolled over this morning and said-"don't forget, today is your day." He snuggled in a little closer and I snuggled back, reminded again what an amazing blessing it is to be HIS mom. Later in the morning, Mahone, with a smile and a glee in his eye, helped me open the little thumb-print flower picture he made for me, saying "for you mama, for you," and again a reminder what an amazing blessing it is to his HIS mom. I tell my children (and myself in those bad moments-you know the ones....) that God choose me specifically, with my strengths AND weaknesses to be their mama, and while there are moments, in fact, there are days, in which I question what God was doing because so many many times I fall so so short on being the mom they need-I know they wouldn't trade me and I for sure wouldn't trade them!!!!! Grace and love and grace and love-that's what being a Mom is-giving grace, receiving grace, giving love, receiving love.

So today, it was my turn to receive and oh, how sweet it was.....

***loving the thumb-print flower, and the lovely book made for me by Seamus-inside a coupon made just for me saying "this coupon entitles you to play basketball with me". The Mappins bag was quite a surprise let me tell you, since we tend to go very low key for these sorts of holidays...however, I have to say, I don't mind a little splurge when this was what I found....

**loving loving loving the vintage feel-in "real live" you can see the black diamonds surrounding the blue and it looks as old as anything-which is SO my thing. What's even better is that my husband knows that and knows that shiny, fancy new isn't me-faded, understated, old-well, now we're talking....

So, yes, Seamus and Mahone, it's my day--all because God gave you both to me....

Me

"It's like I'm famous..."

2010-05-05T21:51:00.000-04:00

Someone has been reading my blog, looking for pictures of himself. You see I read my entries to Seamus-well, the ones related to him anyway! I think it is important he know what I am saying about him, especially if it is the nice stuff-the feel good stuff. I think it is hilarious that he is actually looking it up and re-reading it for himself.

This is the "oh, I'm so embarrassed, but I love it kind of" face. Sweet isn't it-especially without the teeth.

As an aside-Seamus is quite proud of an Egyptian Checker board/pieces that he made-I must point out however that I have NO idea what the difference is with regular checkers and Egyptian, but his says Egyptian, so we are going with that.

Seamus attends an amazing local school and is so so well supported, I cannot even begin to describe it... a post for another day! As a part of this extra support, this year he participated in a small group all about Egypt. You see Seamus LOVES Egypt-the mummies, the pyramids, the alphabet/writing. The Student Support Teacher knew he loved it, so developed a whole small group centered on something he loved. To Seamus, this didn't feel like being centered out, didn't feel like extra help, didn't feel like not fitting in-this group was like bonus time and he felt so good in it...what did I tell you, amazing right? Two days ago, he was able to bring the game home and needless to say, we have played it each night-once or twice!!!

That's one happy kid!!! and guess what I am about to do at 9:48pm-play Egyptian Checkers!!!!

Me

Finding treats amidst the mess...

2010-05-02T09:31:00.000-04:00

I am what some might say a neat freak. That does not mean that I am especially clean, rather I am tidy. Everything has a place and most times, everything is in that place. I cannot rest in the evening until all is tidied. I simply can't relax. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, there are many times I wish I was not so affected by my surroundings. It takes a lot-and I mean a lot-of self-talk for me to leave something undone and go out and play with the children. It takes a lot to leave the pile of blocks to sit and read a book, to put together a puzzle, to color a picture. I have this "just one more thing" mentality and to be honest, I will enjoy those activities more with the kids if everything else is picked up before we start. The problem is of course, the children really don't care. I mean-they just want my attention. They want my focus on them-not on them AND the cushions on the sofa that just aren't right....

This is a hard time for me-Spring. After all, it is Spring Cleaning time!! The commercials show me, the magazines tell me-now is the time to organize, purge, scrub every surface-and given my "all or nothing" mentality, this is pure torture for me. I go room to room , under every bed, open every drawer, every crevice must be cleaned-because isn't that what a good wife and mother does.... Of course, in the middle of all this, I am yelling at my husband, speaking crossly to the kids-shooing everyone out of the room I am in-all in the name of being what I think I should be....I think I am missing something...

The Martha Principle-and no, I am not referring to Martha Stewart. I am referring to a story in the Bible in which Jesus visited two sisters and Martha was busy doing what a good hostess does-she was in the kitchen preparing the best feast, spreading the best tablecloth, tidying up. Mary, her sister, is simply sitting at Jesus' feet listening to him, enjoying his company, learning about true goodness. Martha of course is flustered (nope, can't say I ever felt that!! Whatever-only a million times a day...) and she expresses her upset at Jesus, telling him to inform her sister that she should be helping her. Jesus reply, perhaps for me, the most convicting words of scripture "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it" Luke 11:42. I love, love the tenderness of Jesus towards Martha-perhaps that affects me because I am Martha and oh, I cling to his tenderness amidst the ugliness of me "doing what a good homemaker does".....

So I was thinking to this when I awoke this morning to toys everywhere, a pile of laundry, gardens not yet weeded.... when Mahone, being used by Jesus for certain, provided my object lesson of the day...You see, he was playing kitchen, making me pears (not sure how you MAKE pears, but whatever..) He was throwing around the play food, the plates, the pots and pans and there was MESS.... when all of a sudden, such happiness, such excitement bellowed from him-because you see amidst the mess of his kitchen, he found a treat, a surprise, a little miracle for 8:00am-a chocolate Easter egg that had not yet been found. Amidst the mess, he found pure joy, pure happiness.... he found the better thing....

So I'm off to try and discover this better thing.... I am going to spend the day shifting my eyes off the clutter, the toys, the dust and focusing on the treats I will find in the mess..

and the little one said roll over, roll over....and 1 fell out

2010-04-27T07:12:00.008-04:00

Nighttime routines/rituals.....

I love order. I crave it. I like the same everyday. I used to be much stricter about these things, especially when it came to nighttime. Sleep is the holy grail for me and I can be super mom/super woman...but only until 8:00pm and then quite frankly, I am done!! So if something worked for the children-and by worked I mean they went to bed easily and slept through the night-then I didn't mess with it. I did everything the exact same hoping to have those same results.

I begin instilling bedtime routines right after birth. Right away, I choose the hour (usually 7) and at the feeding closest to that, I start doing my bedtime stuff-the bath, the pjs, the story, the crib/bassinet/our bed. Of course when they are so little, I know I will be up a million more times to feed, but at the youngest of ages, I want to start with a set bedtime. I did this for Seamus and Mahone both, and each had nice early bedtimes and for the most part, were good sleepers...(did you notice the past tense in that sentence!!)

Fast forward a couple of years, and well....things, they are a changing. I simply cannot do the same thing each night, and try as I might, Seamus is never-I mean NEVER-in bed until 9:00 (I am saying that because if I tell you the actual time most nights, you will judge!!) Mahone is sometimes in bed and asleep by 8:00, but that is a rarity-a nice treat, but unlikely. I am not sure what has happened in my house..and in my mind.. that the nighttime and the quiet of the house without the little ones has someone lost its appeal on me-or at least I don't seem to need it enough for me to actually stop the play, stop the "carrying on" (my mother's words out of my mouth), and actually DO bedtime.

I am that mom-the one I judge, the one I said I would never be...My children stay up too late, the snack like crazy between 6:30-8:00 (for Seamus, he is usually eating in bed until he is asleep for goodness sake!!), some times I forget to remind them to brush their teeth, Mahone still has a bottle (I can't bear to take it away-I mean, just a little at night can't hurt too much, right???), they sleep with us for the most part-Seamus almost all of the time and Mahone joins quite a bit as well, some nights Seamus doesn't do his homework/reading because we are too busy playing ball at the park, or playing on the trampoline-last night he came in from outside at 8:15-aghast I know... Even writing it, I cannot believe this has become my life... but guess what, it works. I like it!!! and while I know children need order, there is emotional safety in routines and structure, there is something about a life that "wings it" that my kids respond to...

In saying all of that, there are some things that are constants at night of course-we are just not constant on the timing. The order of events once in bed stay the same-but who knows when we will get there. For Mahone, it is story after story, a bottle, music on and I lay with him for quite some time. We always play this pretend game in which I am the baby and he is the mama and he tucks me in, and then we switch and I tuck him in. It is really sweet.... Seamus always goes to sleep in our bed and one of use lies with him as well. This is when he will talk about his day, the "incident" on the school yard, the new best friend, the play he is doing in class, some idea for an elaborate battle with his knights that he NEEDS to set up for tomorrow... I love, I mean LOVE those moments, when he actually lets me in his head!! The constant for Seamus is music. He listens to music..actually, the same CD, each and every night-without fail....

This band has to be one of his favorites... it sure is mine. My rule is that at bedtime, the music has to be Christian. It somehow is seeping in his head while he sleeps, and I need to know what is going in is good stuff, so with that rule, this is what he has chosen, night after night....I have to say, I don't mind it. Sometimes while lying with him, I need to have the words of that music seep into my head, as much as he....

Just for interest sake,

Me.

He's so much like his mother....

2010-04-22T06:39:00.000-04:00

I am a list maker. I have to-do lists, grocery lists, lists of things I want to do around the home, lists of paperwork due at work, lists of everything automatic that comes out of my account...lists, lists, lists... Around my house, I have more than one little notebook to write these lists-that's the other thing-I LOVE a pretty notebook!!!But I digress....

Two nights ago when Seamus and I were in bed reading and all of a sudden he rose up and said he had something important to do-well.... I really didn't think much of it-Seamus always has something important to do!! He was taking a little longer than I expected and so I reluctantly got out of my warm and cozy bed to see what this important thing was....

This is what I saw.......

I love the use of bullets on the side for his points and the use of the \ (slash) symbol between night\morning. I also love the drawing-the corner is a hockey picture to of course illustrate what game he will be playing on his PlayStation.

I laughed and laughed remembering how many nights I have lept out of bed to write my own to-do list....and then I almost cried thinking once again how grown up he is becoming, how he could do all of this without my help, and how in so many ways in him, I see me......

Me.

The "After Work/School/Daycare Rituals"....

2010-04-20T20:03:00.001-04:00

We do the same things every day around here... I am someone who needs a routine, needs a sense of the familiar. I am convinced this is good for my children as well, but truth be told, it probably is more about my needs than theirs....

As soon as we are home, Mahone and I share a popsicle-this is essential in my mind!!!

Then each evening, it is stories. Mahone usually reads stories in bed-we read an amazing amount of books-sometimes 8-9 stories a night. He is now requesting stories that are NOT picture books and I am enjoying this as well... He really is an old soul. Seamus reads stories in the living room. However since tonight I am on my own and well... to be honest, when I am on my own, the kids' bedtime routine is shall we say-more flexible.... so we spent time reading puzzle books that Nan sent the boys for Easter-reading WITH puzzles-oh so much fun!!!

Rituals and daily routines are essential. Sometimes as a mom I feel like I am simply making it through the day, caught in all the little details that occupy just "making it"...Rituals that create a sense of fun and center on quieting and truly connecting FEEL right to me (see again-all about me!) Perhaps because I am away from them all day, I need to connect, I need to share those few moments of remembering...or should I say reminding them-I am their mom and there is nowhere I would rather be than with them...

Me.

At day's end.....

2010-04-19T21:25:00.000-04:00

Seamus has a habit of playing best at the end of the day. It seems as though once Mahone is settled, most of the evening chores are completed and bedtime is fast approaching, Seamus' imagination takes flight. In those moments, I find it hard to force bedtime... I hate to interrupt all that is happening around me-in his mind.... so tonight is another of those nights, when bedtime is looking more like 9:30, then 8:00 and rather than going to bed with all tidied, the living room in the morning will show a leftover:

Wooden Block Stanley Cup Hockey Game (Who knew!!!)

A close wrestling match-with the defender of the title winning again-thank goodness!!!

Tonight, I have the obvious to be grateful for:

16. My husband showing me how to put pictures on this blog-all for you mom!!

17. Finding the perfect purple flower to give to my Admin. Assistant today for all of her hard work helping me with just about everything these last two weeks-she loves purple!!

18. Grandpa playing with Mahone outside tonight after supper-allowing us just a few moments to actually have an un-interrupted conversation

19. A neighbor who could hem my husband's pants (he leaves tomorrow for a business trip and needed them-by the way-I couldn't sow if my life depended on it-so tonight-she really is a blessing!)

20.. A game of War all set up-just waiting for me says Seamus-looks like bedtime is getting later....

I like him...I really like him...

2010-04-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

My 7 year old says to me-"can I watch some tv mom?" and I answer, "sure, treehouse or teletoon?" and he answers-with a roll of the eye-"sports mom, just put it on TSN!!"

When did this happen??? When did he not watch cartoons and instead watch basketball, football, hockey, soccer, golf, tennis, motorcrossing.... you get the picture, any sport will do.

I am finding myself gazing at him-my toothless guy. He now is sporting a full mohawk(yes, the sides are actually shaved-not a 'fauxhauk'-the real deal), he asked me to buy him a pink golf shirt, because "that's what the Grade 7's wear", he goes to bed only after reading his Archie comics, and he can tell you anything, I mean ANYTHING, about Star Wars!

There are moments I feel I am losing him and then there are moments when I am SO SO happy we are here-sitting at the table talking-I mean really talking together about some shared interest and he sounds so grown-up and I like it...He is giving me these glimpses-in the midst of the occassional tantrum-of who is becoming...

I love him....I love him because I am his Mom-God choose him for me!!!! But you know what in a way feels even better, I like him-I enjoy him, I like spending time with him, I like his personality, I like his quirks, I LOVE his taste in music-with the exception of ACDC (really, they only have 1 good song in my mind, but he loves it all). I am not saying every day is a good one, and I am not saying there are never days when I want to just run from him, but lately, as he is growing, as he is changing right before my very eyes, I realize-hey, even if he wasn't my guy, I would really really like spending time with this kid....

I just need to make sure he knows it...because nothing feels better for a child than to know, really know, that they are thoroughly enjoyed.....

So off I go to hug him close, remember his tiny little newborn face, remember the crazy toddler he was-hug him a little tighter because of all the mistakes I made in those years, tell him "I am glad we are friends"... and beat his butt at Lego Soccer-he has built the stadium, he has just finished singing the anthem, so looks like I'm up!!!

Me.

Gratitude Monday

2010-04-05T21:44:00.000-04:00

This is helpful for me tonight-this process of focusing on all that I have to be grateful for-all that I have that is "right in the world".

We have had an unbelievably nice Easter. It wasn't quite as quiet as I would have liked, but oh, such fun to be outside and watch kids play all day; such glory to remember the pillar of my faith; such reminders of grace all around.....

BUT -oh my today really was ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!! It just seemed that the boys and I woke up "on the wrong side of the bed.." (of course that would be the same bed again, which may also account for some of my more dreadful moments!) It ended well and that is always my goal. I simply cannot have my children or myself go to sleep without it all being right again... There are times I have even woken up my children after they have fallen asleep crying, or when I have sent them back to bed for the 30th time and I did it in perhaps, not the nicest of tones..... No wonder I could never, under any circumstances, do the whole sleep training thing in which you let your child cry.. My goodness, I would be hysterical!!!! But I digress..

I know they are children, I know I am not to take it personally-I really do know all of that, but there are times when it simply doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end of such attitude, ungratefulness, selfishness, bickering, and on and on.. Trust me-I know developmentally, at the ages my boys are at-all of these character "flaws" are completely normal, totally understandable, and in fact, anything other than, would be beyond their emotional capability. I know a 2 year old is inherently selfish-of course he is, but somehow today, knowing that didn't make it any easier.

So tonight, as I sit here, feeling totally guilty that I did not post last Monday-speaking of ungrateful....and also feeling that perhaps God has laid this blog on my heart as I was turning out the lights for bed-well, ending it well with the boys was one thing, but perhaps I need to end it well with myself, and this is just what God had it mind-a certain shift in perspective.....

16. Enjoying the glow from a certain candle holder I received for this Easter...

17. Sunshine and warmth beyond what is at all normal-slightly red arms and faces from all to testify to an Easter enjoyed outdoors.

18. A worship band at our church that truly makes you feel as though you have entered the courts of Heaven-that utterly ushers you into the presence of Christ.

19. An "ice rink free" backyard...while we all so enjoy the rink in our backyard in the winter, it is wonderful to see grass again...

20. Grace and forgiveness, offered and received from the boys, from myself-only possible because of the ONE who first loved us, showing us in an unbelievable way what grace truly is.....'

I could go on and on tonight..... yeah, I get it God-I get it!!!

Me

WARNING...LOTS OF JUDGMENTAL PARENTING COMMENTS IN THE POST BELOW!!! YOU ASKED, I ANSWERED...

2010-03-31T07:10:00.000-04:00

I have noticed that quite a few blogs that I frequent have been talking about a particular parenting book -"To Train Up A Child" by Michael Pearl. Apparently a child has died and the parents are stating they were simply following the advice of that particular book in terms of discipline..I need to point out that I have not read the book. It is not one I would be drawn to. I don't know anyone who has read the book either personally-other than through blog land. I have certainly been reading other's entries and comments very interesting.

I am in no way judging others who parent/discipline in a different way than we do-wait...actually I do judge that....

I thought I would comment as a couple of people in blog land have asked me specifically what "regulations" exist in terms of physical discipline with children. Given what I do for a living, I happened to have some important information, specifically for Canadians-sorry my American blog friends.....

In Canada, you are not permitted to use ANY physical discipline on a child under the age of 2 and over the age of 12. This is completely opposite of the Pearl's apparent teaching that advocates spanking/switching infants as a form of sleep training (AGHAST!!!) They also apparently advocate that type of discipline on young infants/babies to prevent whining and crying as they get older or if the touch things they shouldn't (I think someone referenced the Pearl's advice to actually put out objects as a test for very young children and then spank when their natural curiosity leads them to the temptation..oh my!!)

As well, you are not permitted to use ANY objects to spank. There is to be no belts, no switches, no wooden spoons-NOTHING. I know there was Christian teaching about 20 years ago that advocated using an object so the child would not associate the pain of the spanking with the actual hands of the parent-apparently it was supposed to be better for the parent-child relationship. Whether it is a hand, or your hand holding an object, children WILL perceive that the parent is giving the spanking-that simply is crazy talking to think the child would resent the object and not the parent. I know someone personally who followed this advice 20 years ago and left such a welt on the child because by using an object, they had a hard time controlling the force of the spanking. She never did that again...

As well, if one is to spank, they may ONLY spank basically on the bum. The language in the Child and Family Services Act is longer, but effectively means only the bum area. You cannot hit on the face, the arms, the back of the legs, the head....nowhere else, under any circumstances.

And lastly, that spanking CANNOT leave a mark-in any way-there cannot be bruises welts, handprints (trust me when I say I have see children's bums at work in which they were spanked a couple of hours ago and I could still see the parents' entire handprint!!)

The organization that I work for has been lobbying the government for even tighter regulations on spanking, with our goal to not allow spanking at all. I get that people don't like the government telling them how to parent and what works for them. I also get that people often parent the way they were parented, and for a lot of people, that involved spanking. It can be hard to break that cycle and do something different. I also get how tempting it is to use discipline that is swift and on the surface appears to work. It stops the negative behavior and the children seemed to have "learned their lesson."

However, what is at times easier, is not better; What was done in the past is not always okay; and if you are a Christian, just because the book uses a bible verse or two, does not make the message of the book doctrine. I would suggest reading the Dr. Sear's book on Discipline (I am not always 100% in agreement with Dr. Sears, however very much like his use of the infamous, and often not understood bible verse, "spare the rod, spoil the child.")

It is my opinion that we are so obsessed with what our children will become, character development for when they are adults, not spoiling them because "when they are twelve, fifteen....", that we completely forget to enjoy the time they are little and that even now, what they are experiencing and the parenting they are receiving should be geared for now-not always for later. Doing something that in your gut doesn't feel right just because "if I don't, they will get away with it....I said I would spank, so I need to follow through.." is simply inappropriate.

Please remember what is developmentally appropriate. For instance, cause and effect reasoning does not even fully develop until between the ages of 6-9-and some would argue, even later. Any earlier signs that your child is listening because they know what the consequence will be is simply CONDITIONING. Intro Psychology class, we learned about Pavlov's dog in which having him sit, get a treat, and eventually, they didn't give him the treat, but he was salivating for it-they CONDITIONED him to salivate even without the treat... Sadly, people use this logic in parenting their children-they CONDITION them. I have said often-just because you can condition a child, doesn't make it right and certainly does not make it an okay parenting tool...

Do what feels best. God has given Mothers in particular an instinct to love and nurture their children. I don't know any mother who says wow-that felt good to spank little Suzy. No, almost all have said, that felt awful-it didn't feel good and I apologized after and I felt guilty, and on an on....Trust that! Look into Christian parenting books-Graceful Parenting as an example-that look at all of Christ's teaching as it relates to parenting and focus on building HEALTHY relationships in which you mirror Christ to your children-yes, in discipline and in grace and forgiveness....

There is nothing I can teach my child-no character quality, no life lesson, no value that should come at the expense of the relationship I am forming with them-attachment. The rest will come.....

That's my two cents...

Me

A 7 year old's perspective on weight loss....

2010-03-29T20:35:00.000-04:00

Picture me lying in bed, on my side, facing out. Seamus is cuddled into my back-yes, he still sleeps with us, along with Mahone, in a double bed (oh what fun the family bed is...but that is a post for a different day...)

Anyway.... Seamus all of a sudden, as if struck by something, sits up in bed, looks at me and stretching his hands out says, I think in a favorable way, intended to make me feel good way..."mom, you used to be 2 metres wide and I think now you are 1 metre." He is smiling, rubbing my back at this point and says "way to go!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him being 1 metre wide is not necessarily what I am aiming for....

Me.

Just give me happy....

2010-03-27T18:48:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I loved the drama... There was a time when I loved a good psychological thriller of a movie, an intense-maybe even scary, book.

Now, I just want happy. I want to laugh; I want to maybe cry a happy tear; I want it all to work out in the end-I want the "happily ever after."

So many times this week people have come to me recommending I see the movie Precious. I am sure everyone knows about this movie. It is about a girl, who is horribly sexually, physically and emotionally abused. It is her overcoming unspeakable trauma to change her life. I get it! I get that this would be inspiring on one level, that it would be moving beyond words.... But I cannot handle it. I simply couldn't watch that movie or read that book.

It is not that I want to be ignorant about awful things. Certainly day in and day out my profession allows me the honor of walking along side children who have suffered exactly that type of abuse. I KNOW it is out there. I know the depths of evil-and I do not use that word loosely. You would think I would for sure be able to handle that type of movie given that it is not real-not real people, all scripted-especially since I am dealing with the real thing, no scripts, no producers, no set designers....

I think however, that it is BECAUSE of what I do, that I just want HAPPY. Actually, it is perhaps more accurate to say I NEED happy.....

So really... unless Jennifer Anistan is in it-don't invite me to the movies.....

Me.

Gratitude Monday-On Tuesday (Yes, it is that kind of week already...)

2010-03-23T17:45:00.000-04:00

This truly is one of my busiest seasons-at home, at work, hockey for Seamus....Every year around this time, the to-do list expands, and with it, my emotions overwhelm. I have sleepless nights-at a time when I need all the rest I can get; I have cranky periods, at a time when I need all the relationship support I can get, and I don't take the time to eat good food at a time when I need all the energy healthy food can offer.....

That is why this discipline of keeping a list on Mondays-even if it is Tuesday-of things I am grateful for is SO important. It gives me perspective and reminds me of everything I have....

11. Fresh banana bread for breakfast

12. Feeling at least somewhat accomplished today at work

13. A teenager (and we know how fun they can be at times!!) thanking me for making a decision I made that while she does not like it, knows it keeps her safe and she is thankful I had the guts to make it-her words, not mine!!! AMAZING

14. Seeing the art drawn on the window when I pulled in the driveway at the end of the day-wow, Seamus can really draw hockey people!!

15. A husband who came home smiling.....

Me

Bitterness isn't really a friend to me!!!!

2010-03-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

I am reading a book I signed out from the library-"The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" and wow... has it been showing me a thing or two...about myself!!!

I didn't go to the library to get this particular book. I was there looking for some Spring books for the kids. It was one of those "good mommy days"-you know the ones, when all is well, you are calm, happy, focused, able to handle all the tears, poop, snot (from the nose and the attitude!) that comes your way...I was in a good place, but for some reason this book popped itself off the shelf into my hands that day.

Oh...perhaps I should share the subtitle-Depression, Stress, Fatigue, Burnout...yes, those would be "hidden feelings" for sure.

I am lucky that I am not someone who has struggled with depression; not that I haven't had depressing moments for sure-perhaps even depression seasons, but overall, this is not my struggle. Stress-well, that goes without saying. I am the classic Type A that always tries to accomplish too much, take on too much, really running around like a mad woman and my blood pressure and dizzy spells are there to remind me of that. Fatigue-isn't that true for every mom-I haven't slept in 7 years and don't see that changing any time soon. BUT.... it was the chapter on Burnout that offered the most surprise to me...

All while reading, I was nodding my head, underlining the text, reading out loud whole sections to anyone who would listen.. It was me, through and through! I wasn't even that surprised by the symptoms they listed-what stunned-dare I say poked me-were the causes, specifically BITTERNESS.

I am simply bitter a lot of the time. I am bitter that I feel I cannot take a shower without interruption, that I cannot have a conversation in my own home without someone needing me for something, that while both my husband and I work outside of the home, I still have to organize all the household tasks, make all the doctors appointments, buy the groceries, note when Spirit Day is at school, pay the childcare, and do about 95% of the nighttime settling especially for Mahone.. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to admit that my husband is amazing at helping out with "chores", he is a great hands on dad who sits and makes castles on the floor, but it is MY head that is filled with it all, not his. It feels like everything is ultimately MY responsibility and wow-isn't it wonderful when he "helps" -oh and PS: how come when I do work around the house, no one thanks me for "helping".... See, BITTER!!!!

Anyway-before I make myself worse-this bitterness is creating a feeling of burnout for me in my most important role of mother. Most days, my internal reserves for coping with the smallest of mothering demands can send me quite literally over the edge... I don't like that feeling, I don't like the tension, I don't like Seamus saying "why are you talking like that all of a sudden?" or Mahone saying "don't be grumpy. I want you to be happy mommy..." Yes, honestly aches for me to write it........ My only comfort is that at least my children feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their feelings-oh, how much worse it would be if my bitterness were creating fear.....

No, not fear, not horror, not anything so terrible-just that miserable, "everything is not all right" feeling... an experience I really do not want for my children.

So, bitterness is not my friend and while there are times I LOVE to wallow in it, it is time we parted ways....

Not sure how yet... Not sure what that will look like..

I will let you know what my book.....and my Christ... reveals....

Me

1976

2010-03-18T08:55:00.001-04:00

On our street, time has stood still and it continues to be 1976!

Every now and then there is day around here that makes me realize how fortunate we truly are to be living in this time bubble... yesterday was that day..

It was a bright, sunny and crazy warm day outside. By 9:00am, my 7 year old was outside on the front yard playing-guess what, ON HIS OWN. I do not have to sit there and watch, making sure he does not run out onto a busy street, I know-I mean REALLY know every neighbor, every car-as does he. BY 9:20, I was hearing other voices out there-two neighbor children joined in the game. BY 9:30, a neighbor came down with a cup of tea and we sat out in the amazing sun and had breakfast together.. What fun feeding more than you expected!! I actually mean that..

We said hello to all the dogs out for their morning walks-those dogs that have much nicer owners than our poor Kailey!!

By 10:30, most of us have left for Maple Madness-we mids' well drive together and make a day of it.... We hike in, take the wagon out.. We are home around 2:30 full of mud and a full belly...

I come inside to switch laundry. Mahone sleeps on the sofa-he just needs a quick cat nap to make it through supper!! Seamus is back outside of course, running through the neighbor's lawns with his soccer ball.. I think you know where this is going.. Of course, they all join in and of course, we all meet back outside-again with tea (there is a common theme here-tea during the day and wine at night....)

By this time, Gramma is finished her work for the day and she has walked down for a visit. We all decide we MUST go to the park. We pick up "stray" children as we walk.. Oh what fun games of "grounder", "sewage"-don't ask about that one!!!, "hide and go seek". As an aside: MAHONE HAS NO FEAR!!!!

Home again, I make brownies-trying out a new recipe. When done, I divide them out to be delivered to well...just about everyone..We eat supper. Hubby stays in after supper and does Mahone's nighttime routine. I head out with-you guessed it- neighbors. We take our older kids to the fabric store!!! You just never know what you will find when you rumage through the fabric store for an hour!!!! I have a project or two now to do for Seamus-including a set of hockey sheets...

We come home, have that last glass of wine and part our ways. Seamus runs ahead of me in the dark, with no fear, no hesitation, no questions...

It is 1976 and we are raising FREE RANGE KIDS!!!

Maple Madness-Spring has Sprung!

2010-03-17T08:36:00.002-04:00

Today marks the official day of Spring for my family. I know, I know, it isn't technically upon us, but this morning, we are preparing ourselves for Maple Madness. This is an annual event that happens at our Conversation Area. We have gone every year for 6 years-since we moved back to this city. We always go with friends-it is funny in a way to see each year who goes with us-almost marks stages of friendship...sadness sometimes comes along with us as we remember friends that have moved away or simply have moved on....

It is sunny, warm and we are starving for pancakes and fresh syrup...

The rain boots, splash pants and backpacks are ready-Spring, here we come!!!!

PS: hopefully my camera will be fixed soon and I can actually post some pictures-I haven't forgotten my promise mom!!!

Gratitude Monday

2010-03-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Today, with the sun mostly shining, so much to be grateful for....

6. Sleeping in a little this morning-Mahone enjoyed a sleepover with Gramma last night.
7. Presidents Choice Organic Oatmeal mix-when your 7 year old just MUST have muffins right now!!!
8. A workplace that allows me to "work from home" during March Break
9. Conversation with a friend, watching our children play, looking through cookbooks-talking about the receipes that look good, but let's face it, we may never make....
10. A quiet night, with no TV, no WII, no DS-just watching wooden blocks turn into castles and football stadiums... with a little of dad's help.

Me.

Is My God Big Enough...

2010-03-12T19:39:00.001-05:00

I spent most of my afternoon today with a girl-I call her a girl despite her age and the fact that she has birthed two children. A judge decided, using evidence provided by me, that she could not keep her children-that she could not provide safety, comfort, nurturing, food, shelter...... Her children now life with new families, call another woman "mommy", have someone else kiss all hurts.

I spend one day a month with her and throughout this sometimes adversarial process, we have become "friends." Certainly not friends in the typical sense of the word. We are not calling each other, sharing thoughts over tea, hanging out....Nonetheless, a relationship has formed in which I support her, help her practically if I can, let her know her decisions need some changing, speak truth to her, even when it hurts-and oh, how it has hurt!!!

She is again 'with child'... When she told me this and I was relaying the news to co-workers, I found myself saying everything they were saying-why would she do this, she will never be able to keep this child, she is completely messing up her life....

Then suddenly, like lightening, I found myself thinking-is my God big enough for even her...Could He take her life and make it new... Are not all babies, in His time...

So today, rather than judging her (my sin of choice), rather than reminding her of yet another not thought out decision, I listened and offered hope...

MY GOD IS INDEED BIG ENOUGH.....

Me.

It doesn't go away....

2010-03-10T06:44:00.000-05:00

I am an avoider-I avoid things that are uncomfortable, scary, sad, upsetting in any way.....I also avoid the phone and voicemail-but that is for another post.

I was told by my dentist about a year ago that I have a cavity. You should know that perhaps my biggest-and I mean BIGGEST-fear is going to the dentist. I struggle even going with Seamus; the noises, the sounds-well, everything!!

Back to my cavity-I did not make an appointment to have a filling... and when it started to ache a little, I still did not call. I am not sure what I was thinking. I mean, a cavity doesn't go away! My fear-phobia actually-had convinced me that somehow avoiding this would change it-I was SO wrong.

Imagine at the Lonestar (local fun place to eat), enjoying a taco salad with the kids, loving the moment when all seems to be right-even the 2 year old isn't running around the place-when all of a sudden, your biggest fear becomes real-MY TOOTH BROKE!!!

I don't think you need all the details of what that entailed for me..I will say there was some crying, some yelling at myself in the mirror, emergency dental appointments...... It led to the appointment I had yesterday in which the nice dental specialist explained to me with pictures (like I needed those) about the route canal that I would need to "save the tooth" and the subsequent appointments I would need to "maintain the integrity of the tooth". I won't even tell you the financial costs to this-unbelievable!!!! I can see why individuals without insurance or financial means do not take care of their teeth!

All of this to say that I need to be done with this avoiding strategy, which isn't really working for me.

So today, I need to book an appointment for a physical (I have not had one since before Mahone was born-oops), I need to start going back to the gym to help with the blood pressure that is mounting (half stress, half weight that I am carrying), I need to call that friend whom I haven't spoken to in forever that is now just awkward since it has been so long, I need to call the student loan people again, I need to write that thank you note, I need to have a hard conversation with a co-worker......

Wow-I have been avoiding my whole life away....

Me.

Gratitude Monday

2010-03-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Perhaps the most inspirational, "feast for the eyes", and yet oh so powerfully convicting blogs I have discovered is www.aholyexperience.com. Each Monday, there is a focus on recognizing all that is around us to be grateful for...

1. A two year old who declares "I am done screaming today Mommy!"
2. A husband who clears the table, cleans the dishes and bathes children-all with a smile
3. Sun on my face all day-there really is nothing better
4. Arriving on time this morning for work-a rare occurrence, I assure you
5. Looking for fuzzy pajamas (with feet of course) in a basket full of clean laundry-folded by mother-in-law

Sadly I must confess how hard it was for me to think of things to be grateful for today.

Father God, change my heart....

Me.

My First Hockey Fight.....

2010-03-08T06:45:00.000-05:00

Seamus loves hockey-I mean REALLY loves hockey. He watches the games intensely, angry if anyone around him talks. He attends our local OHL (Ontario Hockey League) games and wears his jersey, waves the flag, hoots and hollers-you get the picture.

Seamus also plays hockey and I may be a bit biased, but I like the way he plays. Every time he is on the ice, he gives it 110%. He skates hard, plays smart and well....sometimes takes a penalty or two. On Sunday, when the ref motioned for him to go, he followed...no talking back, no gestures, no hitting his stick once inside-just doing what he was told...taking his consequence like his should (As an aside, oh, how I wish he accepted his consequences at home like that, but that's a different story.)

After the game, I was standing on the side, waiting for him to come out, as I always do. The first person he sees after his games I want to be me-to say great job! good work out there! While waiting, I notice 4 parents from the other team standing around the man in charge of the league. They are speaking loudly, saying things like "that kid gotta go," "one day he is really going to hurt someone," "his parents really need to deal with him," "does he not know what he is doing." Immediately my MAMA BEAR starts to growl and I know who they are talking about. That is my guy, the little one who says he feels sad for the other team when we win, the little one who shows up and gives it his all for every practice, every game.....Well, I think you know where this is going to go. I won't get into all the perhaps not so nice comments that were exchanged. Just picture me with a red face, a little sweaty and somewhat fierce-like any good MAMA BEAR.

People said it was best to leave it alone, but to me, my kid needs to know that no matter the cost, someone is always in his corner, someone will always be on his side-and that someone is MOM....

Me.

80/20

2010-03-06T20:35:00.000-05:00

Since I am new to this, I thought it would be best to start with some posts that, well....are about ME.

Let's start with my RULE OF LIFE.

I live my life with an 80/20 rule. This applies to all areas and you have no idea how much this 'rule' has changed my life. You see I am an "all or nothing" kind of gal-someone who thinks that if you cannot commit all the way, then really, what's the point. I am sure I am not the only one who starts a diet, has a bag of chips and then says-well, since I had one, I mids' well have a chocolate bar...

When I became a parent, this all or nothing attitude really became troublesome. I had such high parenting ideals on how I thought a "good mom" was, the type of environment I wanted to raise my children in, the food they ate, the toys they played with-you get the picture...Well as you can imagine, things came crashing down around me pretty quickly when the demands of motherhood interfered with my ideals. Bring on the guilt, the self-condemnation, the flustered and overwhelmed feelings. I didn't know really what to do with myself. Like Paul in the Bible -"I don't know why I don't do what I know I should do".

On to my rescue: In the midst of a really not so nice day, I had this moment of clarity that God does not require perfection from me, my husband does not require perfection and certainly the 3 year old looking at me really doesn't require perfection!! and that's where 80/20 came to my rescue.

So, 80% of the time, I do what I know to me is right...

80%, I provide my children with healthy, natural, organic food; 20% McDonald's drive through
80%, toys from natural materials that are beautiful and stimulate imagination; 20% plastic Leapfrog Fridge Magnets
80%, no vaccinations, no mainstream medicines; 20% Tempra and Graval are my best friends.
80%, only organic and natural cleaning products, shampoo, soap, 20% is there anything that smells better than Johnson and Johnson baby lotion???

I know it sounds like such common sense; it sounds simple and obvious. But for this girl who always struggled with feelings of just not being good enough, just not measuring up-it gave me freedom-freedom from myself!!!

Me

Seeking something...Not sure what

2010-03-06T08:56:00.001-05:00

Well, this is my first go at this whole blogging thing...and considering I had to set up an email account this morning to organize this template-I think you can gather how techno-unfriendly I really am.

I don't really know why I am doing this, but recently I have begun to read other blogs faithfully-everyday some of them-and there is a community that I am attracted to for sure. To be honest, I kind of made fun of this whole movement originally, yet now that I am somewhat immersed in it on a daily basis, I kind of get it...

As a wife to an amazingly supportive, but so busy husband, mom to the best-but I am pretty sure the craziest- two little boys out there, and social worker with a full time emotionally intense career-along the way of getting through my days-I have lost something...this is my attempt to go find it......

Me.