Would the real me stand up?

Could there be two people existing in the same body... I don't mean in a "mentally unwell manner", just in the everyday-who am I way.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...

of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."

When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"

I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....

My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!

I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.

There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me

getaway

So with everything going on, with all the craziness, we knew we just had to go!!

You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!

So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!

So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.

We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...

so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....

Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.

never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!

Me

I AM A PROPHET FROM THE LORD..

Okay... well, maybe not exactly. I am no Joshua (how I love that Veggie Tales Movie), but wow, does the Lord ever have a way of revealing and preparing..

You see life as we have known it for 5 years has come to a screeching halt. I may not have been able to predict exactly what has occurred, but I can tell you, my soul was prepared. 

I knew something was coming. I wrote about it on this blog in July and October. This sense from God that something had to give-something was going to be taken away. To be honest, I had such a revelation about it,  I was worried-Dare I say I was scared that what He was going to require would be too much for me to bare.

I spoke about it with friends-this gnawing sense that our life was in for a shake-up. I wrote about it in my journal. Gary and I spoke about it so so so many times. 

So on Tuesday when my husband greeted me after work with "I lost my job", with tears in his eyes and worry written all over his face......can I say that I was slightly relieved. OH THAT'S IT!!!!!

It isn't the children, it isn't our extended family, it isn't me.....

I am NOT minimizing this in any way. My husband had a GREAT job and like many men, it became his whole identity. It was who he was! and he is a really really hard worker and waking up and having no where to go-well, that is unsettling to say the least. Financially, it is a HUGE kick in the belly and I have been walking around with a budget and a calculator for three days.

So I am not saying in any way that it doesn't hurt. That the sting isn't real. Gary is angry, disappointed, worried, relieved, sad, optimistic all wrapped up in one... and as a wife, sometimes I really don't know what to say to him, how to support him... and I don't like that feeling, because while I am not wife of the year, one thing I do well is support-be in his corner, and to be honest, I don't know what he needs. 

But how gracious is God. How marvelous is He... that he would have been preparing my soul for exactly this. that he would be creating a discontent in me with regards to Gary's job (oh the hours, the late nights, the weekends, the business trips......), a discontent with the pace of it all, trying to juggle his high profile, intense career, with mine-perhaps not as high profile, but certainly intense-and oh yeah....parenting two children, and having friends, and living!!!

We both woke up a couple of days ago, looked at each other and KNEW... without a shadow of doubt-we would be okay; things will work out; this will be for the best,even if it doesn't feel like it now. God is doing a work in our family, in me, in my husband, in our lifestyle, and who knows, there may be more "weeding" required, but somehow we will work through it...

The fog has lifted for me- and while I am scared as all get out, and have more questions than answers, and who in the world knows how in the bills get paid..... I feel better than I have in months!!!!

Me

time - out

Sorry for the absence.

Life is going too fast and the 2 x 4 has arrived-those who read earlier entries know what I mean.

This is beyond having a bad day; beyond the everyday busy.

Life is hurting a little; creating in me something I don't like-a constant "edge", a constant discontent.

So I have taken a break from lots of things-no computer, no phone, no email, nothing outside of the bare necessities. Even that really isn't enough, so I am pretty sure something else is going to have to give-hence, the hurt.

I know in the end it all works out-in the end it doesn't just work out-it is better. I have been through enough of these trials of faith to know that-it is just hard to live through it.

me

I hate my life.....

Do you know how many times I have thought, mumbled, sometimes shouted those words in the last few weeks. 


To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!


Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left. 


Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.


Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!


Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.


Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!

and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can  you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....

So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....

and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....


He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....

and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much

healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again

My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!

Me

Superhero

I am in the shower and I hear it.... the same thing I hear just about everytime I take a shower. Running, hard thumps, screaming, and general noise....up to no good noise!!!

I am just about to yell out, to remind them of the rules of the house, to tell them STOP in perhaps not the most friendly manner, when wait.... what is that I here:

"I am the superhero now, where is that villian? Run oh run as fast as you can," with more screaming and running. But that voice is not the children, it's my husband Gary.

I guess he decided to join in the fun and who I am to stop that!!!

To be honest, with the shift in perspective-smiling as I stand there soaking wet and picturing them running all through the house, laughing at daddy who is now wearing a really really small red cape-the noise didn't seem so bad and I found myself wondering what do I always feel the need to STOP IT.... to make their play clean and tidy, quiet and controlled.

Life is messy and loud and chaos and craziness. Wow, that is hard for me to accept. I have the vision in my mind about what my life should look like and sometimes two really active, loud, dare I say aggressive sports loving, wrestling fanatics, boys don't always fit into my perfect vision. Silly really...

I am so busy cleaning up from my life, that I am actually not living it!!!

For that moment, Dad was Superhero because he allowed himself the pure pleasure of joining, accepting them both for exactly who they are and flying through the house in a red cape...

Now that's living....

Me

PS: sorry for the quietness on this space. Thanks for the emails wondering-at least I know you are out there!!! Work has really really been beyond busy, in fact, emotionally very difficult with tough decisions being made for children and really tough days. At the end, I barely have enough to give to those who are the most important. Things are looking up though and settling, so life should resume a little more like normal.

Homeward Bound.....well, sort of.....

We are leaving today for Nova Scotia. It is kind of a last minute decision. This year, I didn't take a lot of holidays for the summer and Seamus was in Lacrosse Provincials in Whitby during some of my vacation time, so we don't have that much time or quite frankly, that much money....but the lure of the East Coast and the begging from the children to see their cousins and the farm was too much and we have given in. We are so so excited.

I am from Newfoundland and love to visit there. I haven't been in some time now, but that takes more time and more money, so it will have to wait a little while. That's the next trip for sure. Newfoundland is home to me and I cannot describe the feeling of comfort and all being familiar I have when I am there.

BUT....Nova Scotia is home for us in so many ways. I met Gary there, we went to University there (ACADIA), Gary has family with a huge dairy farm and people so good they are unreal!!! When we are there, we are completely at peace. It just feels right and good and wonderful. The children adore it and spend hours playing with their cousins, riding tractors and looking at the cows, swimming in the lake and playing XBOX (perhaps something Seamus is looking forward the most!!!) If we could live anywhere, it would be there!!!!

So this space will be very quiet for a week...

Me

Finding treats amidst the mess...

I am what some might say a neat freak. That does not mean that I am especially clean, rather I am tidy. Everything has a place and most times, everything is in that place. I cannot rest in the evening until all is tidied. I simply can't relax. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, there are many times I wish I was not so affected by my surroundings. It takes a lot-and I mean a lot-of self-talk for me to leave something undone and go out and play with the children. It takes a lot to leave the pile of blocks to sit and read a book, to put together a puzzle, to color a picture. I have this "just one more thing" mentality and to be honest, I will enjoy those activities more with the kids if everything else is picked up before we start. The problem is of course, the children really don't care. I mean-they just want my attention. They want my focus on them-not on them AND the cushions on the sofa that just aren't right....

This is a hard time for me-Spring. After all, it is Spring Cleaning time!! The commercials show me, the magazines tell me-now is the time to organize, purge, scrub every surface-and given my "all or nothing" mentality, this is pure torture for me. I go room to room , under every bed, open every drawer, every crevice must be cleaned-because isn't that what a good wife and mother does.... Of course, in the middle of all this, I am yelling at my husband, speaking crossly to the kids-shooing everyone out of the room I am in-all in the name of being what I think I should be....I think I am missing something...

The Martha Principle-and no, I am not referring to Martha Stewart. I am referring to a story in the Bible in which Jesus visited two sisters and Martha was busy doing what a good hostess does-she was in the kitchen preparing the best feast, spreading the best tablecloth, tidying up. Mary, her sister, is simply sitting at Jesus' feet listening to him, enjoying his company, learning about true goodness. Martha of course is flustered (nope, can't say I ever felt that!! Whatever-only a million times a day...) and she expresses her upset at Jesus, telling him to inform her sister that she should be helping her. Jesus reply, perhaps for me, the most convicting words of scripture "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details. There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it" Luke 11:42. I love, love the tenderness of Jesus towards Martha-perhaps that affects me because I am Martha and oh, I cling to his tenderness amidst the ugliness of me "doing what a good homemaker does".....

So I was thinking to this when I awoke this morning to toys everywhere, a pile of laundry, gardens not yet weeded.... when Mahone, being used by Jesus for certain, provided my object lesson of the day...You see, he was playing kitchen, making me pears (not sure how you MAKE pears, but whatever..) He was throwing around the play food, the plates, the pots and pans and there was MESS.... when all of a sudden, such happiness, such excitement bellowed from him-because you see amidst the mess of his kitchen, he found a treat, a surprise, a little miracle for 8:00am-a chocolate Easter egg that had not yet been found. Amidst the mess, he found pure joy, pure happiness.... he found the better thing....

 

So I'm off to try and discover this better thing.... I am going to spend the day shifting my eyes off the clutter, the toys, the dust and focusing on the treats I will find in the mess..

Me

It doesn't go away....

I am an avoider-I avoid things that are uncomfortable, scary, sad, upsetting in any way.....I also avoid the phone and voicemail-but that is for another post.

I was told by my dentist about a year ago that I have a cavity. You should know that perhaps my biggest-and I mean BIGGEST-fear is going to the dentist. I struggle even going with Seamus; the noises, the sounds-well, everything!!

Back to my cavity-I did not make an appointment to have a filling... and when it started to ache a little, I still did not call. I am not sure what I was thinking. I mean, a cavity doesn't go away! My fear-phobia actually-had convinced me that somehow avoiding this would change it-I was SO wrong.

Imagine at the Lonestar (local fun place to eat), enjoying a taco salad with the kids, loving the moment when all seems to be right-even the 2 year old isn't running around the place-when all of a sudden, your biggest fear becomes real-MY TOOTH BROKE!!!

I don't think you need all the details of what that entailed for me..I will say there was some crying, some yelling at myself in the mirror, emergency dental appointments...... It led to the appointment I had yesterday in which the nice dental specialist explained to me with pictures (like I needed those) about the route canal that I would need to "save the tooth" and the subsequent appointments I would need to "maintain the integrity of the tooth". I won't even tell you the financial costs to this-unbelievable!!!! I can see why individuals without insurance or financial means do not take care of their teeth!

All of this to say that I need to be done with this avoiding strategy, which isn't really working for me.

So today, I need to book an appointment for a physical (I have not had one since before Mahone was born-oops), I need to start going back to the gym to help with the blood pressure that is mounting (half stress, half weight that I am carrying), I need to call that friend whom I haven't spoken to in forever that is now just awkward since it has been so long, I need to call the student loan people again, I need to write that thank you note, I need to have a hard conversation with a co-worker......

Wow-I have been avoiding my whole life away....

Me.