Hold Onto Your Kids!!!!

This book has completely changed the entire way I parent. I mean, I am pretty "smart" when it comes to this parenting thing. I taught parenting courses early in my social work career and studied child development, parenting approaches, and various family theories. When I say "smart" of course we know what that means-book smart. You have to remember, I taught parenting before I even had children!!! Who lets someone do that. I knew really nothing to be honest....

I spend my days now, as my side bar indicates, working with children who have been abused, suffered various traumas, etc. As a result, I have access to child psychologists and attend a variety of workshops and training. I am lucky in a sense, although I do talk often about how my work, specifically in attachment theory (which I fully subscribe to, by the way, and not the Dr. Sears version, but actually scientific attachment theory, but I digress...) completely messed up the first 6 months of my parenting journey, but that is a story for another time!!

Anyway, the program I work has the work of Daniel Hughes as our foundation, but lately, we have been studying and learning about the work of Gordan Neufeld. He wrote the book shown above, Hold Onto Your Kids. I saw him lecture in Ottawa about a year ago, then watched a DVD he has based on the book and then re-read the book again. It is so unbelievably life changing for me in terms of the response I give my children, specifically Mahone. Seamus we have parented following his approaches instinctively given his special needs and emotional sensitivities. Mahone however, we have not, and oh boy, what a difference it makes.

What he recommends takes work and takes a thick skin-there is nothing worse than being in public, having your child be disobedient and you not react in the way that is custom for our society-to actually not really react at all. Trust me, you would be surprised at the reactions from others your lack of reaction causes!!!! I know, I have heard it all in No Frills!!!!

Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the DVD. It is a heavy book in some ways and while some of it is "common sense" and very traditional and back to basics parenting, it totally is counter cultural and fantastic.

A blog I follow-The Parenting Passageway-has been reading the book and provides a summary of each chapter with some comments. I highly recommend anyone interested to look at that blog and the back entries for the chapters they have already reviewed. That particular blog is from a Waldorf perspective, but it is nicely matched with Neufeld's work. In fact, maybe that is why it reasonates so deep for me-he provides a researched theory and words to something I feel I have known instinctively.

I will say though, one thing I have really learned about myself is how ingrained certain patterns are for me and how even when I know better and fully believe in something different, when I am tired or stressed, I fall back on the same old routines and habits... This book is challenging my inconsistent nature let me tell you!!!!

Anyway, I could write/talk forever about this book, its principles and ideas... It is consuming so much of Gary and I's conversations, not to mention all that I talk about at work, and since this blog is supposed to be about me and my search for what is true to me, then I thought I should share!!

Enjoy

Me

One of THOSE days....already

Have you ever had one of THOSE days....and it is only 7:45am?


Welcome to my morning!!!

It started fine, and to be honest I am not even sure where it took it's turn. Seamus lost a tooth yesterday so he woke up excited as anything that there was money in his tooth pouch. He seemed okay, content, settled, fine. Gary was helping make breakfast, I was making lunches (Seamus is at hockey camp so back making lunches this week), and it all was going along nicely.....

I looked at the clock, realized Gary and Seamus only had 15 minutes to be ready. They were in the room "chewing the fat" (talking nothing) and I said, perhaps not in the best tone to Gary, enough of that. We need to get everything ready. Okay, I admit, I was rushing, but I know how it will be when it is 7:30 and they are not ready. I also know how long it takes Seamus to do his morning routines, so I need to set the pace.. Well, that had to be it-that had to be THE MOMENT when it all went to pot!!!!!

Shortly after, Seamus is screaming (and when he screams/blow, he really does!!! I cannot even describe how dysregulated he becomes), becoming very defiant and argumentative. NOTHING was right. He didn't want that bread, didn't want it toasted, didn't want butter, didn't want to wear that shirt.... I think you get the picture. Of course, he is screaming all of this to us and well..let's just say after some time of patiently ignoring him and taking deep breaths, I start to scream back. Enter Gary to the rescue, however by this time Seamus has pushed ALL of his buttons and Gary is not exactly in the peaceful frame of mind. Mahone is outside playing. But of course, in the midst of it all, he comes back inside. Seamus continues to blow and we realize we have lost him.

We have "lost" him many times before. More often when he was not medicated, but lately a little more often again. Bipolar Disorder in children looks different than in adults. It is not the highs and lows per se, it is an extreme general irritability. When I say extreme, I mean EXTREME, DESTRUCTIVE, INTENSE, LOUD!!! I know this and I know really he is not in control, but in the moment, it is so hard to keep control myself. It is so hard to be yelled at, disrespected, called names.... even a mother can have her feelings hurt!!!!

He settles and begins to cry. That is the way it goes for him. A full cycle in 20 minutes. He has had his high, here is his low. He leaves for camp and my heart is as heavy as lead. I don't want that to be the way he goes out into the world!!!

Mahone of course is now screaming because I have told him he needs to come in to get ready for the day. He starts to hit my leg and I kid you not, throw his shoes at me. I have deja vu as I remember Seamus throwing his shoes at me when he was younger. I am triggered and frightened. I don't want the same for him. I am desperate for Mahone to just be "normal"-whatever that means!!!! I am calm by now, which is better. I gently escort him to his room in silence, where he is to stay until his shoe throwing moments are passed. He is there for only a couple of minutes and I realize-Seamus would have been there for an hour-I am filled with hope again-just normal 3 year old stuff!!!

So now, in writing this, I have taken the 10 minutes to breath and focus on something other than wondering why God would let me, with all of my faults and shortcomings, parent such a high needs boy? and wondering what is wrong with me that I just can't keep my cool in all of this? and wondering how to go about my time letting this go?

and really getting God's grace, just a little, because despite the name calling and the defiance, all of my thoughts of Seamus now are good and wonderful and sweet and vulnerable.

My goodness.. it is only of THOSE mornings, but here's to it being a better day!!

Me

Another World......

So a couple of nights ago, my in-laws were driving the children to the arena for Seamus' lacrosse. They had a extra minute or two, so they decided to drive through the cemetery-Seamus' most favorite thing to do. I kid you not! He LOVES cemeteries; points them out on all of our drives; likes looking at the headstones, reading information about people-I mean it is his best field trip!!!! Weird maybe, but there are more unusual things right????

Anyway...... So Mahone is in the back seat looking around. He has not been to cemeteries like Seamus and my in-laws were clear that they told him NOTHING about the place-just driving through an odd looking field. Mahone then calls out from the back seat in such a surprised, I-just-remembered-something, expression "Hey, I used to work here."

Continuing down the lane, he states in hushed tones "I met God in this forest."

At that exact point, they were driving be my mother-in-law's grandparent's headstones....

The next night, he is sitting playing MoonSand with his gramma and out of nowhere-"I liked taking care of you when you were a baby." In two days, it is the anniversary of my mother-in-law mother's death. She says every year around this time, she gets little messages-two years ago, it was the sudden smell of her mother's perfume, the year prior to that, Seamus looked right at her "there's a grandpa behind you gramma, he's smiling at you "

A little chill up the back of the neck, a goosebump feeling...

I have a million stories to share about Seamus' experiences of seeing things, feeling a presence, having regular "visitors"-"say goodnight to Rose mom, she is at the end of my bed", the statements that seem to be from a different time.....

Some people say it is creepy. While I get that it is somewhat startling, I choose not to look at it as scary. We don't believe in past lives, we don't believe in reincarnation-those concepts are not biblical. However, I do believe in Angels and Spirits and that God makes himself known sometimes so closely with little children-and while when Seamus is telling us at 3-"I don't like when the it is the children ones that visit me, I like the older ones better", and Mahone at the same age says "I met God in this forest"-I get it can seem a little out there!!


Seamus is almost 8 now and the stories and "visions" have stopped-or at least he has stopped telling us about it. He does however continue to have the fascination with Angels, Spirits and yes, cemeteries. Mahone is just starting to talk about these types of things.

I long for them always to feel such a sense of God, such a connection to 'what is not of this life.' As close to God as they can-that's my goal for my children, and if along the way, they creep a few people out, I'm fine with that.

Me.






My kids have ways of doing that

Stay out....

This is what you install on your bedroom door when you come in from outside and your almost 3 year old looks a certain shade of red and you wonder and wonder-what is that?? and sadly the realization hits and you are almost afraid to look....the white duvet and all.....you see I had in my LUG bag (yes, that would be about an $100.00 purse!!!), another small zippered bag, and inside that small bag, was this new blush/skin tint (NOTE: TINT) that I just purchased three days ago. I realize Mahone's face is the exact color of that tint-funny so is the bag, so are the books in the bag, so is my floor... you get the picture!

 The back story is important here for you to really grasp this: you see in November in Toronto I saw this fancy blush that was aghast $30.00 and I COULD NOT bring myself to pay that for me... I mean, seriously vanity right. So, I asked Gary for it for Christmas-somehow as a gift, it seemed more appropriate. Well Christmas came and money was tight as per usual, and I said-don't get that for me.. Months passed and I would go and look at it-for torture really when finally 3 days ago I decided-enough is enough. I am worth it- I would spend it on the house, I would spend it on the children, I would spend it on Gary!!! So, I purchased and used lovingly for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!

ENTER THE ABOVE LOCK!!!!

Sometimes it is simply no fun being mom.... I like him today, but I can tell you yesterday, not so much!!!!!

me.

The Fair....

Day after day this week we have been driving by the set up for the Fair-the Ferris Wheel, the Strawberries that spin and spin, the really poor quality stuffed animals being hung up for display, the lights, the music.... Each time we pass, Mahone and Seamus, in unison "I can't wait, I can't wait."

I promise Friday night, opening day. So, Friday comes and Gary is not feeling well, which leaves just me with two little ones at the Fair-this may not seem to be such a big deal, other than I am crazy paranoid at those types of things with "creepy people" and my children. I know that sounds terrible and perhaps irrational, but if you knew some of what I know-well let's just call it a workplace hazard!!!! I also have a 2.5 year old that is fairly certain he is 10 and is way too mobile and fast and basically into everything!!!!! I also do not go on any rides-back to irrational fears again. I don't like the feeling, don't like the movement-I am not an adrenaline junkie by any stretch of the imagination....So combined this makes the Fair really not fun at all..

Luckily, grandma and grandpa again to the rescue and the Fair turned out to be lots of fun after all....with only one mild injury and one temper tantrum-all in all, a success!!!!

  

                      

   

                                        

                                                              

      

Me. 

What is "special needs" anyway....

So the doctor's say-"you're little guy has special needs.."; the teacher says "be assured, we can accommodate your son's special needs";  I say to friends "hope everything goes okay with the playdate-not sure if you know but our guy has some special needs."

We have parented both our children using a waldorf approach. A part of that philosophy believes that children are not born necessarily with their temperaments. They sort of "come into their personality" between the ages of 6-9-only after they lose their first baby teeth-it is a whole other post to explain the teeth thing, just know that losing those teeth is SO important in Waldorf philosophy. Anyway, I say all of that to highlight that while we may believe that, while we parent our children sharing many of Waldorf principles and ideals-well, we KNEW Seamus' temperament real early....not only before he lost his baby teeth-to be honest, before he even had those teeth.

Since Seamus was a baby, we as his parents thought something just wasn't the same as other children. But we were new parents, our first child and quite frankly, what did we know!! Also, having the job I have working with children every day who are truly suffering with emotional difficulties, well, you start to sort of make everything a big deal. Fast forward a few years and we finally had to admit we were at a lost. Hard to admit really when for a living you help kids and now I couldn't help my own!!!!

You see I was on my soapbox preaching that he was just a regular boy and our society didn't handle regular boys well and there was nothing wrong with him, but there was something wrong with everyone else-as an aside, I still truly believe our society does not handle boys well, but again, another post. But really my soapbox was actually hurting him. He was out of control, he was not managing school-an alternate Waldorf school that really provided lots of movement and hands on, lots of the boy stuff he needed. He also was not managing home-or more accurately we were not managing him at home, especially with the tantrums. When I say tantrums, I do not mean a 20 minute fit, I mean a 2-3 hour explosion that would always end in something broken, a room trashed and both of us sobbing...

So I got down from my preaching post and sought help. Not necessarily the conventional help at first, choosing to focus on helping him process his emotions, rather than just dealing with the behavior. After some time, Seamus was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. This was a whole new world for us, including a change in diet, at home "exercises" and therapy with an Occupational Therapist. We immediately changed our perception of him and our approach to him. We finally understood him (As an aside, if you are interested in learning more, read the Out of Sync Child-excellent resource). Later he was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (like every boy could be I'm sure-see that soapbox preaching coming out!!!). Most recently our doctor, who I really really didn't like, yet who has turned out to be quite wonderful, has implied that we may actually be looking at a mood disorder that could possibly develop as he comes older, something like Bipolar Disorder. Who knows!!!!

I wrote this post because a couple of people who know me outside of this space have been asking some questions about our journey with Seamus-hope this is helpful. I also realize that people are reading this that I may not even know who maybe on similar paths-please be encouraged!!

Seamus certainly meets the definition for "special needs", but to us, he is simply SPECIAL. He is everything I wanted in a child-spirited, independent, free thinking, creative, dramatic, opinionated, kind, compassionate, a real "go big or go home" personality, competitive-yet feels bad for the other team...Well, we really like him in this house and to be honest, I couldn't have always said that!!!

So again it is nighttime and we know how much Seamus comes alive at night. Buzzing around me playing with his skateboarders (Techdeck I think is the official name). He is showing me what "grinding" is-if you are interested it is when you run the skateboard along a metal railing. He has just finished eating his second supper  (his medication really impacts his appetite and he basically does not eat from breakfast until about 6:00 at which point, he then doesn't stop until he is in dreamland!). He has begun to make his own ramp now with some clay and some cardboard he has found around the house. It wasn't working out quite like he thought, but no throwing the materials in frustration tonight (although that could still happen)-for now, he is sticking with it, trying a new paste to hold it all together.

I'm off to convince him that perhaps the skateboard race could wait until tomorrow as the bed is calling for us......What did I tell you-special right!!!

Me

My day off...

As a parent who works outside of the home, I have often had conversations with others about how much easier things are for me, you know "not being a full time parent and all." I  cannot even begin to explain to you how that statement angers me beyond belief. It strikes me right at the deep part of me and it takes all self-control to just nod and walk away. For one thing, why do women do that? Why do we feel this need to one-up each other, to make us questions ourselves, to feel the need to comment negatively on choices we all make???? I simply don't get it. But that is a post for another day and since I have about 43 pictures (okay, perhaps a slight exaggeration) to show today, I won't write much... Just know that women who work outside of the home for whatever reason-be in financial, because they are single moms, or even aghast, they actually like working, are also in every sense of it-FULL TIME MOMS. I am on call 24-7 as any other mother-I just have one different responsibility thrown in there, being work. I cannot even count the amount of times I have been in meetings, with three more scheduled that day, and have dropped it all because the school has called, the daycare has called-someone is sick, someone is sad, someone is being suspended....I do it because I am mom and that is what mom's do-we respond when our children need us, whether that means we leave our desk or leave the playgroup. So, please if you ever meet me in "real life" please never comment that I am not a full time mom, that somehow my parenting responsibilities are less because I work outside of the home. It is offensive, hurtful and well....wrong!!!

So, some pictures of my most recent "day off". My daycare provider needed some time with her own children, so I used a vacation day from work and too the "day off." Because I am not home throughout the week to accomplish a lot of home stuff-with the exception of still doing laundry and cleaning floors at 10:00pm-I take these days to get it done... so-my life in pictures for 1 day...

The day started nice and early. Not captured by the camera because quite frankly I was too busy to take pictures of the morning routine around here. I prepared breakfasts, made Seamus' lunch, ensured all was in the school bag, put a load of laundry in, showered, gave a kiss good-bye to Seamus and Gary and then....found Mahone in my bed "hidings"-his most favorite idea of a good time-"find me mama, find me!!"

I put toast down for my breakfast. You see somehow I can feed my children and yet, not feed myself. So when Seamus and Gary left, I thought I should eat. I wish this picture was time stamped because you see, it was taken just before supper-YES, SUPPER. I guess I never got around to that....

Outside to play for an hour or so. We played hockey, on the trampoline, the fun new game of weeding flowers!!! By this point, Mahone is now shooting me with a hockey stick-look at that mouth as he makes the noises "shhhshhshhshh-you are dead mama, you are dead!!!" Really how does this happen for a child who rarely watches any TV, certainly nothing violent, we don't have guns in the house-the real or fake!! Welcome to life with BOYS!!!!

Snack time.......

Off we go to the car wash. You see my vacuum just doesn't cut it with the amount of ....well everything.. on the floors, seats, roof of my car. What do we do in there??!!?? 

Then off to the grocery store. Just needed a few things, but you know how that goes-7 bags and $150.00 later.......Mahone was super great in the store. He loves to grocery shop!! I noticed not going on Saturday was so much nicer-a lot less people and we could take our time and look at everything. That was great!

We ate lunch, watched a show, had some version of "quiet time" (Mahone does not nap, so if he is somewhat quiet and in one place for even the briefest amount of time, we call that quiet time!) After our rest, off to have an oil change and I also returned a mat at Cosco, shoes at Reebok, shoes at Payless (which meant the mall, which meant an ice cream cone at Laura Secord of course!!). I also dropped shoes off at the shoemaker for repair. My mother-in-law came with me for the afternoon trip so that was great. 


As an aside, isn't is nice to do things with other women around. I think so. I love to housekeep and grocery shop with other women. My mother-in-law is always around. I almost always grocery shop with my neighbor. When my mother visits, I so enjoy just cleaning through the house and cooking with her. I understand why in the "olden day" women worked side by side. 


Moving on.....

Because I was out and about for most of the day, this is what greeted me when I returned-keeping it real here!!Lest you think I am always on top of things.... To be honest, this pile stayed there for a number of days actually growing and growing.....

Gary is unbelievably helpful-when he is home. He has a crazy job schedule, along with being out with Seamus two nights/week at sports, so he is not home near enough, but when he is, how sweet it is!! I am sitting, because quite frankly I am tired. Lots done today, lots played today. Gary came home and swept into gear-he made supper for the boys (and by made, that means warmed up left over kraft dinner, opened yogurt and washed fruit), then started the muffins for us for the week. Nice isn't it!!! How do single mom's do it-saints I say, they are all saints.....

And to end the lovely day, Gary put Mahone to bed (which is rare, so really nice) and Seamus and I went with our neighbors and friends to the library. So so so much fun. I love the library. 


It was so nice to spend the time with Mahone; nice to have a change in routine sometimes.. dreaded working the next day.

A glimpse of my day off

Me

"It's your day mom...."

Yes, indeed it is.. I have been somewhat spoiled today and am loving it...not ashamed to admit that a day dedicated to my role as mom is exciting for me-a day in which with no guilt, I can relax, let someone else make the breakfast, tidy up, change the bums-all while I read a book that I simply cannot put down-The Forgotten Garden-excellent-as an aside...

Seamus rolled over this morning and said-"don't forget, today is your day." He snuggled in a little closer and I snuggled back, reminded again what an amazing blessing it is to be HIS mom. Later in the morning, Mahone, with a smile and a glee in his eye, helped me open the little thumb-print flower picture he made for me, saying "for you mama, for you," and again a reminder what an amazing blessing it is to his HIS mom. I tell my children (and myself in those bad moments-you know the ones....) that God choose me specifically, with my strengths AND weaknesses to be their mama, and while there are moments, in fact, there are days, in which I question what God was doing because so many many times I fall so so short on being the mom they need-I know they wouldn't trade me and I for sure wouldn't trade them!!!!! Grace and love and grace and love-that's what being a Mom is-giving grace, receiving grace, giving love, receiving love.

So today, it was my turn to receive and oh, how sweet it was.....

***loving the thumb-print flower, and the lovely book made for me by Seamus-inside a coupon made just for me saying "this coupon entitles you to play basketball with me". The Mappins bag was quite a surprise let me tell you, since we tend to go very low key for these sorts of holidays...however, I have to say, I don't mind a little splurge when this was what I found....

**loving loving loving the vintage feel-in "real live" you can see the black diamonds surrounding the blue and it looks as old as anything-which is SO my thing. What's even better is that my husband knows that and knows that shiny, fancy new isn't me-faded, understated, old-well, now we're talking....


So, yes, Seamus and Mahone, it's my day--all because God gave you both to me....

Me

"It's like I'm famous..."

Someone has been reading my blog, looking for pictures of himself. You see I read my entries to Seamus-well, the ones related to him anyway! I think it is important he know what I am saying about him, especially if it is the nice stuff-the feel good stuff. I think it is hilarious that he is actually looking it up and re-reading it for himself.

This is the "oh, I'm so embarrassed, but I love it kind of" face. Sweet isn't it-especially without the teeth.

As an aside-Seamus is quite proud of an Egyptian Checker board/pieces that he made-I must point out however that I have NO idea what the difference is with regular checkers and Egyptian, but his says Egyptian, so we are going with that.

Seamus attends an amazing local school and is so so well supported, I cannot even begin to describe it... a post for another day! As a part of this extra support, this year he participated in a small group all about Egypt. You see Seamus LOVES Egypt-the mummies, the pyramids, the alphabet/writing. The Student Support Teacher knew he loved it, so developed a whole small group centered on something he loved. To Seamus, this didn't feel like being centered out, didn't feel like extra help, didn't feel like not fitting in-this group was like bonus time and he felt so good in it...what did I tell you, amazing right? Two days ago, he was able to bring the game home and needless to say, we have played it each night-once or twice!!!

That's one happy kid!!! and guess what I am about to do at 9:48pm-play Egyptian Checkers!!!!

Me

and the little one said roll over, roll over....and 1 fell out

Nighttime routines/rituals.....

I love order. I crave it. I like the same everyday. I used to be much stricter about these things, especially when it came to nighttime. Sleep is the holy grail for me and  I can be super mom/super woman...but only until 8:00pm and then quite frankly, I am done!! So if something worked for the children-and by worked I mean they went to bed easily and slept through the night-then I didn't mess with it. I did everything the exact same hoping to have those same results.

I begin instilling bedtime routines right after birth. Right away, I choose the hour (usually 7) and at the feeding closest to that, I start doing my bedtime stuff-the bath, the pjs, the story, the crib/bassinet/our bed. Of course when they are so little, I know I will be up a million more times to feed, but at the youngest of ages, I want to start with a set bedtime. I did this for Seamus and Mahone both, and each had nice early bedtimes and for the most part, were good sleepers...(did you notice the past tense in that sentence!!)

Fast forward a couple of years, and well....things, they are a changing. I simply cannot do the same thing each night, and try as I might, Seamus is never-I mean NEVER-in bed until 9:00 (I am saying that because if I tell you the actual time most nights, you will judge!!) Mahone is sometimes in bed and asleep by 8:00, but that is a rarity-a nice treat, but unlikely. I am not sure what has happened in my house..and in my mind.. that the nighttime and the quiet of the house without the little ones has someone lost its appeal on me-or at least I don't seem to need it enough for me to actually stop the play, stop the "carrying on" (my mother's words out of my mouth), and actually DO bedtime.

I am that mom-the one I judge, the one I said I would never be...My children stay up too late, the snack like crazy between 6:30-8:00 (for Seamus, he is usually eating in bed until he is asleep for goodness sake!!), some times I forget to remind them to brush their teeth, Mahone still has a bottle (I can't bear to take it away-I mean, just a little at night can't hurt too much, right???), they sleep with us for the most part-Seamus almost all of the time and Mahone joins quite a bit as well, some nights Seamus doesn't do his homework/reading because we are too busy playing ball at the park, or playing on the trampoline-last night he came in from outside at 8:15-aghast I know... Even writing it, I cannot believe this has become my life... but guess what, it works. I like it!!! and while I know children need order, there is emotional safety in routines and structure, there is something about a life that "wings it" that my kids respond to...

In saying all of that, there are some things that are constants at night of course-we are just not constant on the timing. The order of events once in bed stay the same-but who knows when we will get there. For Mahone, it is story after story, a bottle, music on and I lay with him for quite some time. We always play this pretend game in which I am the baby and he is the mama and he tucks me in, and then we switch and I tuck him in. It is really sweet.... Seamus always goes to sleep in our bed and one of use lies with him as well. This is when he will talk about his day, the "incident" on the school yard, the new best friend, the play he is doing in class, some idea for an elaborate battle with his knights that he NEEDS to set up for tomorrow... I love, I mean LOVE those moments, when he actually lets me in his head!! The constant for Seamus is music. He listens to music..actually, the same CD, each and every night-without fail....

This band has to be one of his favorites... it sure is mine. My rule is that at bedtime, the music has to be Christian. It somehow is seeping in his head while he sleeps, and I need to know what is going in is good stuff, so with that rule, this is what he has chosen, night after night....I have to say, I don't mind it. Sometimes while lying with him, I need to have the words of that music seep into my head, as much as he....

Just for interest sake,




Me.

He's so much like his mother....

I am a list maker. I have to-do lists, grocery lists, lists of things I want to do around the home, lists of paperwork due at work, lists of everything automatic that comes out of my account...lists, lists, lists... Around my house, I have more than one little notebook to write these lists-that's the other thing-I LOVE a pretty notebook!!!But I digress....

Two nights ago when Seamus and I were in bed reading and all of a sudden he rose up and said he had something important to do-well.... I really didn't think much of it-Seamus always has something important to do!! He was taking a little longer than I expected and so I reluctantly got out of my warm and cozy bed to see what this important thing was....

This is what I saw.......
                                

        

I love the use of bullets on the side for his points and the use of the \ (slash) symbol between night\morning. I also love the drawing-the corner is a hockey picture to of course illustrate what game he will be playing on his PlayStation.

I laughed and laughed remembering how many nights I have lept out of bed to write my own to-do list....and then I almost cried thinking once again how grown up he is becoming, how he could do all of this without my help, and how in so many ways in him, I see me......

Me.

The "After Work/School/Daycare Rituals"....

We do the same things every day around here... I am someone who needs a routine, needs a sense of the familiar. I am convinced this is good for my children as well, but truth be told, it probably is more about my needs than theirs....

As soon as we are home, Mahone and I share a popsicle-this is essential in my mind!!!

   

  








Then each evening, it is stories. Mahone usually reads stories in bed-we read an amazing amount of books-sometimes 8-9 stories a night. He is now requesting stories that are NOT picture books and I am enjoying this as well... He really is an old soul. Seamus reads stories in the living room. However since tonight I am on my own and well... to be honest, when I am on my own, the kids' bedtime routine is shall we say-more flexible.... so we spent time reading puzzle books that Nan sent the boys for Easter-reading WITH puzzles-oh so much fun!!!

Rituals and daily routines are essential. Sometimes as a mom I feel like I am simply making it through the day, caught in all the little details that occupy just "making it"...Rituals that create a sense of fun and center on quieting and truly connecting FEEL right to me (see again-all about me!) Perhaps because I am away from them all day, I need to connect, I need to share those few moments of remembering...or should I say reminding them-I am their mom and there is nowhere I would rather be than with them...

Me.

I like him...I really like him...

My 7 year old says to me-"can I watch some tv mom?" and I answer, "sure, treehouse or teletoon?" and he answers-with a roll of the eye-"sports mom, just put it on TSN!!"

When did this happen??? When did he not watch cartoons and instead watch basketball, football, hockey, soccer, golf, tennis, motorcrossing.... you get the picture, any sport will do.

I am finding myself gazing at him-my toothless guy. He now is sporting a full mohawk(yes, the sides are actually shaved-not a 'fauxhauk'-the real deal), he asked me to buy him a pink golf shirt, because "that's what the Grade 7's wear", he goes to bed only after reading his Archie comics, and he can tell you anything, I mean ANYTHING, about Star Wars!

There are moments I feel I am losing him and then there are moments when I am SO SO happy we are here-sitting at the table talking-I mean really talking together about some shared interest and he sounds so grown-up and I like it...He is giving me these glimpses-in the midst of the occassional tantrum-of who is becoming...

I love him....I love him because I am his Mom-God choose him for me!!!! But you know what in a way feels even better, I like him-I enjoy him, I like spending time with him, I like his personality, I like his quirks, I LOVE his taste in music-with the exception of ACDC (really, they only have 1 good song in my mind, but he loves it all). I am not saying every day is a good one, and I am not saying there are never days when I want to just run from him, but lately, as he is growing, as he is changing right before my very eyes, I realize-hey, even if he wasn't my guy, I would really really like spending time with this kid....

I just need to make sure he knows it...because nothing feels better for a child than to know, really know, that they are thoroughly enjoyed.....

So off I go to hug him close, remember his tiny little newborn face, remember the crazy toddler he was-hug him a little tighter because of all the mistakes I made in those years, tell him "I am glad we are friends"... and beat his butt at Lego Soccer-he has built the stadium, he has just finished singing the anthem, so looks like I'm up!!!

Me.

WARNING...LOTS OF JUDGMENTAL PARENTING COMMENTS IN THE POST BELOW!!! YOU ASKED, I ANSWERED...

I have noticed that quite a few blogs that I frequent have been talking about a particular parenting book -"To Train Up A Child" by Michael Pearl. Apparently a child has died and the parents are stating they were simply following the advice of that particular book in terms of discipline..I need to point out that I have not read the book. It is not one I would be drawn to. I don't know anyone who has read the book either personally-other than through blog land. I have certainly been reading other's entries and comments very interesting.

I am in no way judging others who parent/discipline in a different way than we do-wait...actually I do judge that....

I thought I would comment as a couple of people in blog land have asked me specifically what "regulations" exist in terms of physical discipline with children. Given what I do for a living, I happened to have some important information, specifically for Canadians-sorry my American blog friends.....

In Canada, you are not permitted to use ANY physical discipline on a child under the age of 2 and over the age of 12. This is completely opposite of the Pearl's apparent teaching that advocates spanking/switching infants as a form of sleep training (AGHAST!!!) They also apparently advocate that type of discipline on young infants/babies to prevent whining and crying as they get older or if the touch things they shouldn't (I think someone referenced the Pearl's advice to actually put out objects as a test for very young children and then spank when their natural curiosity leads them to the temptation..oh my!!)

As well, you are not permitted to use ANY objects to spank. There is to be no belts, no switches, no wooden spoons-NOTHING. I know there was Christian teaching about 20 years ago that advocated using an object so the child would not associate the pain of the spanking with the actual hands of the parent-apparently it was supposed to be better for the parent-child relationship. Whether it is a hand, or your hand holding an object, children WILL perceive that the parent is giving the spanking-that simply is crazy talking to think the child would resent the object and not the parent. I know someone personally who followed this advice 20 years ago and left such a welt on the child because by using an object, they had a hard time controlling the force of the spanking. She never did that again...

As well, if one is to spank, they may ONLY spank basically on the bum. The language in the Child and Family Services Act is longer, but effectively means only the bum area. You cannot hit on the face, the arms, the back of the legs, the head....nowhere else, under any circumstances.

And lastly, that spanking CANNOT leave a mark-in any way-there cannot be bruises welts, handprints (trust me when I say I have see children's bums at work in which they were spanked a couple of hours ago and I could still see the parents' entire handprint!!)

The organization that I work for has been lobbying the government for even tighter regulations on spanking, with our goal to not allow spanking at all. I get that people don't like the government telling them how to parent and what works for them. I also get that people often parent the way they were parented, and for a lot of people, that involved spanking. It can be hard to break that cycle and do something different. I also get how tempting it is to use discipline that is swift and on the surface appears to work. It stops the negative behavior and the children seemed to have "learned their lesson."

However, what is at times easier, is not better; What was done in the past is not always okay; and if you are a Christian, just because the book uses a bible verse or two, does not make the message of the book doctrine. I would suggest reading the Dr. Sear's book on Discipline (I am not always 100% in agreement with Dr. Sears, however very much like his use of the infamous, and often not understood bible verse, "spare the rod, spoil the child.")

It is my opinion that we are so obsessed with what our children will become, character development for when they are adults, not spoiling them because "when they are twelve, fifteen....", that we completely forget to enjoy the time they are little and that even now, what they are experiencing and the parenting they are receiving should be geared for now-not always for later. Doing something that in your gut doesn't feel right just because "if I don't, they will get away with it....I said I would spank, so I need to follow through.." is simply inappropriate.

Please remember what is developmentally appropriate. For instance, cause and effect reasoning does not even fully develop until between the ages of 6-9-and some would argue, even later. Any earlier signs that your child is listening because they know what the consequence will be is simply CONDITIONING. Intro Psychology class, we learned about Pavlov's dog in which having him sit, get a treat, and eventually, they didn't give him the treat, but he was salivating for it-they CONDITIONED him to salivate even without the treat... Sadly, people use this logic in parenting their children-they CONDITION them. I have said often-just because you can condition a child, doesn't make it right and certainly does not make it an okay parenting tool...

Do what feels best. God has given Mothers in particular an instinct to love and nurture their children. I don't know any mother who says wow-that felt good to spank little Suzy. No, almost all have said, that felt awful-it didn't feel good and I apologized after and I felt guilty, and on an on....Trust that! Look into Christian parenting books-Graceful Parenting as an example-that look at all of Christ's teaching as it relates to parenting and focus on building HEALTHY relationships in which you mirror Christ to your children-yes, in discipline and in grace and forgiveness....

There is nothing I can teach my child-no character quality, no life lesson, no value that should come at the expense of the relationship I am forming with them-attachment. The rest will come.....

That's my two cents...

Me

Bitterness isn't really a friend to me!!!!

I am reading a book I signed out from the library-"The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" and wow... has it been showing me a thing or two...about myself!!!

I didn't go to the library to get this particular book. I was there looking for some Spring books for the kids. It was one of those "good mommy days"-you know the ones, when all is well, you are calm, happy, focused, able to handle all the tears, poop, snot (from the nose and the attitude!) that comes your way...I was in a good place, but for some reason this book popped itself off the shelf into my hands that day.

Oh...perhaps I should share the subtitle-Depression, Stress, Fatigue, Burnout...yes, those would be "hidden feelings" for sure.

I am lucky that I am not someone who has struggled with depression; not that I haven't had depressing moments for sure-perhaps even depression seasons, but overall, this is not my struggle. Stress-well, that goes without saying. I am the classic Type A that always tries to accomplish too much, take on too much, really running around like a mad woman and my blood pressure and dizzy spells are there to remind me of that. Fatigue-isn't that true for every mom-I haven't slept in 7 years and don't see that changing any time soon. BUT.... it was the chapter on Burnout that offered the most surprise to me...

All while reading, I was nodding my head, underlining the text, reading out loud whole sections to anyone who would listen.. It was me, through and through! I wasn't even that surprised by the symptoms they listed-what stunned-dare I say poked me-were the causes, specifically BITTERNESS.

I am simply bitter a lot of the time. I am bitter that I feel I cannot take a shower without interruption, that I cannot have a conversation in my own home without someone needing me for something, that while both my husband and I work outside of the home, I still have to organize all the household tasks, make all the doctors appointments, buy the groceries, note when Spirit Day is at school, pay the childcare, and do about 95% of the nighttime settling especially for Mahone.. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to admit that my husband is amazing at helping out with "chores", he is a great hands on dad who sits and makes castles on the floor, but it is MY head that is filled with it all, not his. It feels like everything is ultimately MY responsibility and wow-isn't it wonderful when he "helps" -oh and PS: how come when I do work around the house, no one thanks me for "helping".... See, BITTER!!!!

Anyway-before I make myself worse-this bitterness is creating a feeling of burnout for me in my most important role of mother. Most days, my internal reserves for coping with the smallest of mothering demands can send me quite literally over the edge... I don't like that feeling, I don't like the tension, I don't like Seamus saying "why are you talking like that all of a sudden?" or Mahone saying "don't be grumpy. I want you to be happy mommy..." Yes, honestly aches for me to write it........ My only comfort is that at least my children feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their feelings-oh, how much worse it would be if my bitterness were creating fear.....

No, not fear, not horror, not anything so terrible-just that miserable, "everything is not all right" feeling... an experience I really do not want for my children.

So, bitterness is not my friend and while there are times I LOVE to wallow in it, it is time we parted ways....

Not sure how yet... Not sure what that will look like..

 I will let you know what my book.....and my Christ... reveals....

Me

My First Hockey Fight.....

Seamus loves hockey-I mean REALLY loves hockey. He watches the games intensely, angry if anyone around him talks. He attends our local OHL (Ontario Hockey League) games and wears his jersey, waves the flag, hoots and hollers-you get the picture.

Seamus also plays hockey and I may be a bit biased, but I like the way he plays. Every time he is on the ice, he gives it 110%. He skates hard, plays smart and well....sometimes takes a penalty or two. On Sunday, when the ref motioned for him to go, he followed...no talking back, no gestures, no hitting his stick once inside-just doing what he was told...taking his consequence like his should (As an aside, oh, how I wish he accepted his consequences at home like that, but that's a different story.)

After the game, I was standing on the side, waiting for him to come out, as I always do. The first person he sees after his games I want to be me-to say great job! good work out there! While waiting, I notice 4 parents from the other team standing around the man in charge of the league. They are speaking loudly, saying things like "that kid gotta go," "one day he is really going to hurt someone," "his parents really need to deal with him," "does he not know what he is doing." Immediately my MAMA BEAR starts to growl and I know who they are talking about. That is my guy, the little one who says he feels sad for the other team when we win, the little one who shows up and gives it his all for every practice, every game.....Well, I think you know where this is going to go. I won't get into all the perhaps not so nice comments that were exchanged. Just picture me with a red face, a little sweaty and somewhat fierce-like any good MAMA BEAR.

People said it was best to leave it alone, but to me, my kid needs to know that no matter the cost, someone is always in his corner, someone will always be on his side-and that someone is MOM....

Me.