Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Hold Onto Your Kids!!!!
This book has completely changed the entire way I parent. I mean, I am pretty "smart" when it comes to this parenting thing. I taught parenting courses early in my social work career and studied child development, parenting approaches, and various family theories. When I say "smart" of course we know what that means-book smart. You have to remember, I taught parenting before I even had children!!! Who lets someone do that. I knew really nothing to be honest....
I spend my days now, as my side bar indicates, working with children who have been abused, suffered various traumas, etc. As a result, I have access to child psychologists and attend a variety of workshops and training. I am lucky in a sense, although I do talk often about how my work, specifically in attachment theory (which I fully subscribe to, by the way, and not the Dr. Sears version, but actually scientific attachment theory, but I digress...) completely messed up the first 6 months of my parenting journey, but that is a story for another time!!
Anyway, the program I work has the work of Daniel Hughes as our foundation, but lately, we have been studying and learning about the work of Gordan Neufeld. He wrote the book shown above, Hold Onto Your Kids. I saw him lecture in Ottawa about a year ago, then watched a DVD he has based on the book and then re-read the book again. It is so unbelievably life changing for me in terms of the response I give my children, specifically Mahone. Seamus we have parented following his approaches instinctively given his special needs and emotional sensitivities. Mahone however, we have not, and oh boy, what a difference it makes.
What he recommends takes work and takes a thick skin-there is nothing worse than being in public, having your child be disobedient and you not react in the way that is custom for our society-to actually not really react at all. Trust me, you would be surprised at the reactions from others your lack of reaction causes!!!! I know, I have heard it all in No Frills!!!!
Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the DVD. It is a heavy book in some ways and while some of it is "common sense" and very traditional and back to basics parenting, it totally is counter cultural and fantastic.
A blog I follow-The Parenting Passageway-has been reading the book and provides a summary of each chapter with some comments. I highly recommend anyone interested to look at that blog and the back entries for the chapters they have already reviewed. That particular blog is from a Waldorf perspective, but it is nicely matched with Neufeld's work. In fact, maybe that is why it reasonates so deep for me-he provides a researched theory and words to something I feel I have known instinctively.
I will say though, one thing I have really learned about myself is how ingrained certain patterns are for me and how even when I know better and fully believe in something different, when I am tired or stressed, I fall back on the same old routines and habits... This book is challenging my inconsistent nature let me tell you!!!!
Anyway, I could write/talk forever about this book, its principles and ideas... It is consuming so much of Gary and I's conversations, not to mention all that I talk about at work, and since this blog is supposed to be about me and my search for what is true to me, then I thought I should share!!
Enjoy
Me
life savings...
Kevin from Home Alone (the movie): "Oh look, this is Buzz's life savings."
Mahone-watching his favorite movie that perhaps is inappropriate for his age: "What's life savings mama, money?"
Me: "yes, sort of like that."
Mahone: "sometimes life savings can be credit cards mama. Tomorrow let's buy our life savings."
Mahone-watching his favorite movie that perhaps is inappropriate for his age: "What's life savings mama, money?"
Me: "yes, sort of like that."
Mahone: "sometimes life savings can be credit cards mama. Tomorrow let's buy our life savings."
Monday, January 3, 2011
Perspective-a step in Life Makeover
Today, it is quiet here. Both children have started back to school/daycare and I have the day off. I worked hard on the weekend "dechristmasing" my home and organizing and cleaning so that I could puposefully do nothing today-a real day of relaxing before beginning work tomorrow.
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
*************************************************************************
This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
**************************************************************************
So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
*************************************************************************
This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
**************************************************************************
So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Life makeover... I know, it sounds like a bad magazine article!!!!
A while back, I blogged about the fact that I put off things I don't like... things that are uncomfortable, scary, anything related to pain of any kind, things that will quite frankly take too much time in this "busy" life of mine!!!
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Sunday, December 12, 2010
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