Beautiful

I work with children who have been severely physically, sexually, emotionally abused... Children who have been neglected, exposed to domestic violence, forgotten.....

This is my life's work. There are days I can't catch my breath because their horror is too much to bear. There are days when I laugh and go to Dairy Queen-because they have never even been to Dairy Queen. There are days when I am angry and fighting with a parent, a teacher, a judge...

I have been doing this work for a long time-10+ years and people who are new ask me all the time how I learn to seperate myself and my life from my work-how do I put all the sadness in a box. I tell them I don't. I don't ever want to do that... While it hurts, I want to feel it every time. It should always bother me when a child talks about beatings and middle of the night intrusions and watching mommy inject herself with needles... THAT SHOULD ALWAYS HURT AND I DON'T WANT THAT EVER IN A BOX.  It should absolutely effect my sleep, my relationships, my parenting. If I start to lose that... if I become desensitized, then I will leave.

What gives me hope is that I know is God is bigger than their abuse. He is bigger than their history, their trauma, their confusion.... I tell them God created them for a purpose and that while there is nothing in me that believes God caused their abuse, He can certainly use their horror for good... He specializes in turning hell into heaven...

                      

Please know that if you have had any of these experiences.... if you have not known safety, have not felt loved..... to God, you are Beautiful.

Just give me happy....

There was a time when I loved the drama... There was a time when I loved a good psychological thriller of a movie, an intense-maybe even scary, book.

Now, I just want happy. I want to laugh;  I want to maybe cry a happy tear;  I want it all to work out in the end-I want the "happily ever after."

So many times this week people have come to me recommending I see the movie Precious. I am sure everyone knows about this movie. It is about a girl, who is horribly sexually, physically and emotionally abused. It is her overcoming unspeakable trauma to change her life. I get it! I get that this would be inspiring on one level, that it would be moving beyond words.... But I cannot handle it. I simply couldn't watch that movie or read that book.

It is not that I want to be ignorant about awful things. Certainly day in and day out my profession allows me the honor of walking along side children who have suffered exactly that type of abuse. I KNOW it is out there. I know the depths of evil-and I do not use that word loosely. You would think I would for sure be able to handle that type of movie given that it is not real-not real people, all scripted-especially since I am dealing with the real thing, no scripts, no producers, no set designers....

I think however, that it is BECAUSE of what I do, that I just want HAPPY. Actually, it is perhaps more accurate to say I NEED happy.....

So really... unless Jennifer Anistan is in it-don't invite me to the movies.....

Me.

Is My God Big Enough...

I spent most of my afternoon today with a girl-I call her a girl despite her age and the fact that she has birthed two children. A judge decided, using evidence provided by me, that she could not keep her children-that she could not provide safety, comfort, nurturing, food, shelter...... Her children now life with new families, call another woman "mommy", have someone else kiss all hurts.

I spend one day a month with her and throughout this sometimes adversarial process, we have become "friends." Certainly not friends in the typical sense of the word. We are not calling each other, sharing thoughts over tea, hanging out....Nonetheless, a relationship has formed in which I support her, help her practically if I can, let her know her decisions need some changing, speak truth to her, even when it hurts-and oh, how it has hurt!!!

She is again 'with child'... When she told me this and I was relaying the news to co-workers, I found myself saying everything they were saying-why would she do this, she will never be able to keep this child, she is completely messing up her life....

Then suddenly, like lightening, I found myself thinking-is my God big enough for even her...Could He take her life and make it new... Are not all babies, in His time...

So today, rather than judging her (my sin of choice), rather than reminding her of yet another not thought out decision, I listened and offered hope...

MY GOD IS INDEED BIG ENOUGH.....

Me.