Today, it is quiet here. Both children have started back to school/daycare and I have the day off. I worked hard on the weekend "dechristmasing" my home and organizing and cleaning so that I could puposefully do nothing today-a real day of relaxing before beginning work tomorrow.
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
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This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
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So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Life makeover... I know, it sounds like a bad magazine article!!!!
A while back, I blogged about the fact that I put off things I don't like... things that are uncomfortable, scary, anything related to pain of any kind, things that will quite frankly take too much time in this "busy" life of mine!!!
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
This is breakfast...
So it is a hockey morning here, which means Seamus and Gary left the house at 5:15. Mahone always wakes early that day as well-hearing the noises in the morning in a tiny house will do that!!
On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!
But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.
What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????
I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!
So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!
Here's to breakfast!!
me.
On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!
But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.
 |
| This is the smile he gives for every picture... and yes, he is sitting on our coffee table!!! |
What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????
I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!
So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!
Here's to breakfast!!
me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Beautiful
I work with children who have been severely physically, sexually, emotionally abused... Children who have been neglected, exposed to domestic violence, forgotten.....
This is my life's work. There are days I can't catch my breath because their horror is too much to bear. There are days when I laugh and go to Dairy Queen-because they have never even been to Dairy Queen. There are days when I am angry and fighting with a parent, a teacher, a judge...
I have been doing this work for a long time-10+ years and people who are new ask me all the time how I learn to seperate myself and my life from my work-how do I put all the sadness in a box. I tell them I don't. I don't ever want to do that... While it hurts, I want to feel it every time. It should always bother me when a child talks about beatings and middle of the night intrusions and watching mommy inject herself with needles... THAT SHOULD ALWAYS HURT AND I DON'T WANT THAT EVER IN A BOX. It should absolutely effect my sleep, my relationships, my parenting. If I start to lose that... if I become desensitized, then I will leave.
What gives me hope is that I know is God is bigger than their abuse. He is bigger than their history, their trauma, their confusion.... I tell them God created them for a purpose and that while there is nothing in me that believes God caused their abuse, He can certainly use their horror for good... He specializes in turning hell into heaven...
Please know that if you have had any of these experiences.... if you have not known safety, have not felt loved..... to God, you are Beautiful.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Would the real me stand up?
Could there be two people existing in the same body... I don't mean in a "mentally unwell manner", just in the everyday-who am I way.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...
of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."
When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"
I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....
My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!
I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.
There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...
of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."
When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"
I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....
My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!
I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.
There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
getaway
So with everything going on, with all the craziness, we knew we just had to go!!
You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!
So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!
So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.
We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...
so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....
Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.
never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!
Me
You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!
So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!
So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.
We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...
so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....
Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.
never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!
Me
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