Do you know how many times I have thought, mumbled, sometimes shouted those words in the last few weeks.
To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!
Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left.
Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.
Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!
Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.
Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!
and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....
So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....
and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....
He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....
and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much
healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again
My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!