Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One of THOSE days....already

Have you ever had one of THOSE days....and it is only 7:45am?

Welcome to my morning!!!

It started fine, and to be honest I am not even sure where it took it's turn. Seamus lost a tooth yesterday so he woke up excited as anything that there was money in his tooth pouch. He seemed okay, content, settled, fine. Gary was helping make breakfast, I was making lunches (Seamus is at hockey camp so back making lunches this week), and it all was going along nicely.....

I looked at the clock, realized Gary and Seamus only had 15 minutes to be ready. They were in the room "chewing the fat" (talking nothing) and I said, perhaps not in the best tone to Gary, enough of that. We need to get everything ready. Okay, I admit, I was rushing, but I know how it will be when it is 7:30 and they are not ready. I also know how long it takes Seamus to do his morning routines, so I need to set the pace.. Well, that had to be it-that had to be THE MOMENT when it all went to pot!!!!!

Shortly after, Seamus is screaming (and when he screams/blow, he really does!!! I cannot even describe how dysregulated he becomes), becoming very defiant and argumentative. NOTHING was right. He didn't want that bread, didn't want it toasted, didn't want butter, didn't want to wear that shirt.... I think you get the picture. Of course, he is screaming all of this to us and well..let's just say after some time of patiently ignoring him and taking deep breaths, I start to scream back. Enter Gary to the rescue, however by this time Seamus has pushed ALL of his buttons and Gary is not exactly in the peaceful frame of mind. Mahone is outside playing. But of course, in the midst of it all, he comes back inside. Seamus continues to blow and we realize we have lost him.

We have "lost" him many times before. More often when he was not medicated, but lately a little more often again. Bipolar Disorder in children looks different than in adults. It is not the highs and lows per se, it is an extreme general irritability. When I say extreme, I mean EXTREME, DESTRUCTIVE, INTENSE, LOUD!!! I know this and I know really he is not in control, but in the moment, it is so hard to keep control myself. It is so hard to be yelled at, disrespected, called names.... even a mother can have her feelings hurt!!!!

He settles and begins to cry. That is the way it goes for him. A full cycle in 20 minutes. He has had his high, here is his low. He leaves for camp and my heart is as heavy as lead. I don't want that to be the way he goes out into the world!!!

Mahone of course is now screaming because I have told him he needs to come in to get ready for the day. He starts to hit my leg and I kid you not, throw his shoes at me. I have deja vu as I remember Seamus throwing his shoes at me when he was younger. I am triggered and frightened. I don't want the same for him. I am desperate for Mahone to just be "normal"-whatever that means!!!! I am calm by now, which is better. I gently escort him to his room in silence, where he is to stay until his shoe throwing moments are passed. He is there for only a couple of minutes and I realize-Seamus would have been there for an hour-I am filled with hope again-just normal 3 year old stuff!!!

So now, in writing this, I have taken the 10 minutes to breath and focus on something other than wondering why God would let me, with all of my faults and shortcomings, parent such a high needs boy? and wondering what is wrong with me that I just can't keep my cool in all of this? and wondering how to go about my time letting this go?

and really getting God's grace, just a little, because despite the name calling and the defiance, all of my thoughts of Seamus now are good and wonderful and sweet and vulnerable.

My goodness.. it is only of THOSE mornings, but here's to it being a better day!!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

The 2x4.....

I am feeling God nudge.....I am somewhat scared of what He is asking me....My not listening isn't my not hearing, it is my disobedience.

A rainbow, a sign of hope and faithfulness and trust-first shown to Noah after the flood....after he listened to God's nudge, and was faithful. That faithfulness was not without consequence. He was isolated from his peers,  he was teased and critized. I am sure there was some conflicts in his relationships with his family-I can imagine his wife thinking he may have gone just a little crazy. and yet, HE OBEYED.

Decisions are being made in this home, plans are being written down, commitments are being finalized. Not sure if I am ready to build the arc quiet yet, but I have the building plan and materials.

I believe God nudges, because he is oh so gracious and patient with us. He whispers gently, he leads softly....until you ignore Him, you reject Him, you disobey Him....and then He doesn't nudge, He pushes. He uses a 2x4 and He gets you to get it...to get Him.

The last time I needed the 2x4, Seamus was 15 months old, in a hospital bed, hooked up to goodness knows what, and I was sitting in a rocking chair, worried, terrified actually, and the specialist told my husband that if we were 5 minutes later, he would've died, and I continued to rock and rock and weep at my choices, weep at the times I felt God nudge and didn't listen, and I held my baby, careful of the tubes, and I offered him up as my sacrifice, my Isaac, and was thankful that God provided a ram-so thankful.

I live in the awareness of those moments, so when the nudging comes, I halt....

I'm not saying God caused my child to be sick to teach me a lesson. I am not saying that God makes horrible things happen to get back at us for being willful and rebellious. I do however people that the One who controls everything, the entire creation, has the right to use anything, to allow anything, to show us HIM.

The last time it was my beloved child, my richest blessing, my most cherished. What will God use this time if I continue in disobedience? What will it take to get my attention? What will be required for sacrifice?

I am feeling God nudge.........


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Another World......

So a couple of nights ago, my in-laws were driving the children to the arena for Seamus' lacrosse. They had a extra minute or two, so they decided to drive through the cemetery-Seamus' most favorite thing to do. I kid you not! He LOVES cemeteries; points them out on all of our drives; likes looking at the headstones, reading information about people-I mean it is his best field trip!!!! Weird maybe, but there are more unusual things right????

Anyway...... So Mahone is in the back seat looking around. He has not been to cemeteries like Seamus and my in-laws were clear that they told him NOTHING about the place-just driving through an odd looking field. Mahone then calls out from the back seat in such a surprised, I-just-remembered-something, expression "Hey, I used to work here."

Continuing down the lane, he states in hushed tones "I met God in this forest."

At that exact point, they were driving be my mother-in-law's grandparent's headstones....

The next night, he is sitting playing MoonSand with his gramma and out of nowhere-"I liked taking care of you when you were a baby." In two days, it is the anniversary of my mother-in-law mother's death. She says every year around this time, she gets little messages-two years ago, it was the sudden smell of her mother's perfume, the year prior to that, Seamus looked right at her "there's a grandpa behind you gramma, he's smiling at you "

A little chill up the back of the neck, a goosebump feeling...

I have a million stories to share about Seamus' experiences of seeing things, feeling a presence, having regular "visitors"-"say goodnight to Rose mom, she is at the end of my bed", the statements that seem to be from a different time.....

Some people say it is creepy. While I get that it is somewhat startling, I choose not to look at it as scary. We don't believe in past lives, we don't believe in reincarnation-those concepts are not biblical. However, I do believe in Angels and Spirits and that God makes himself known sometimes so closely with little children-and while when Seamus is telling us at 3-"I don't like when the it is the children ones that visit me, I like the older ones better", and Mahone at the same age says "I met God in this forest"-I get it can seem a little out there!!

Seamus is almost 8 now and the stories and "visions" have stopped-or at least he has stopped telling us about it. He does however continue to have the fascination with Angels, Spirits and yes, cemeteries. Mahone is just starting to talk about these types of things.

I long for them always to feel such a sense of God, such a connection to 'what is not of this life.' As close to God as they can-that's my goal for my children, and if along the way, they creep a few people out, I'm fine with that.


My kids have ways of doing that

Friday, July 9, 2010

Oh what a night....

Just came home from seeing ELTON JOHN in concert, and while he did not play my favorite song by him-Sacrifice, it was unbelievably wonderful.

He can make that piano sing... 3 hours of nothing but playing and singing. He didn't talk, there was no intermission.

Our seats were about 20 feet from him....and yes, I forgot my camera and my feather boa.


"I'm three mama, I'm three...This party, this balloon-it is all for me"

Mahone is 3. I truly can hardly believe it. While there are moments, in fact entire days in which I wish my time away-there are other moments I wish time would stand still.

I can remember every detail of my first days with Mahone. I had tried for over 2 years to conceive Mahone and while I was content and grateful for Seamus, I just felt our family was not complete...and then came Mahone. A true blessing, a true joy. I cannot imagine my life, our family without him. 

Mahone began as a very laid back child-I think the second child tend to be that way. He was so content. Of course, he had it pretty good. He was in my arms all the time-babywearing was very important to me for really the first full year. He was constantly in his sling, either sleeping or simply observing the routines of our days. He spent hours at Seamus' school-luckily, it was a small private Waldorf school, so they had a beautiful and very soothing parent room and a wonderful yard her could explore later as he was a little older. 

As soon as he was scooting around, Mahone really showed his curious nature. He was always trying to figure something out, reach for the brightest colored book, touch absolutely everything... All this to say, he was a climber, into everything and required full supervision at all times, because quite frankly, you never knew what he was into!!! That "curious" nature is still there!

Mahone is so active, so busy, can talk like an old man, is independent (and by that I mean in the morning he often pulls over a chair, opens the bread box, takes out his bread, puts it in the toaster and waits for it, then removes it to a plate and calls out for help just with spreading the butter-I kid you not!!!)He is becoming a little less laid back-okay A LOT less laid back and beginning to express himself through screaming and just saying NO very loudly when he is not happy-that's normal right???

He loves construction; he loves farms and anything John Deere; he loves sweets and unlike Seamus would eat and eat cookies and cakes; he loves swimming and splashing; he loves being around people; he loves swinging (which he has been able to do without even a starting push for about 4 months) and boy oh boy, does he love his mama. I am not sure what I did differently for Mahone, but while Seamus "preferred" me, Mahone DEMANDS me. While at times it can just all be too much I have to admit there is nothing better than hearing my littlest "let's cuddle mama, I need to be with you mama." It really does make me stop and just enjoy the moment and soak up all Mahone is!!!!

We just had a family (with friends along as well who are family) birthday-I hope he never looks at pictures of the elaborate parties we had for Seamus-on the day of his actual birthday. There was a construction cake, balloons tied to bottles of bubbles, a new sprinkler and lots and lots of food. A perfect time. 

         Here's gramma-the ever present "helper" cutting the hamburger buns, helping set up all the food-Seamus who was "so hungry      mom",  reaching for a little something. 

           Have you seen anything cuter, especially for a boy who LOVES turtles. Our friend Jenn made this for him and oh, it was so yummy!!!

              As per usual, too many presents and he needed convincing to stay and open them all. Every year I say-less is more, less is more and every year everything looks just "so cute, oh Gary, he would love it."

              How could there be anything different for our guy than construction vehicles. He slept with the machines last night-"mama, I just need to sleep with my birthday trucks."

       Enjoying every bite of that cake-and very heppy to be surrounded by all his family and friends.....