Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This is breakfast...

So it is a hockey morning here, which means Seamus and Gary left the house at 5:15. Mahone always wakes early that day as well-hearing the noises in the morning in a tiny house will do that!!

On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!

But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.

This is the smile he gives for every picture... and yes, he is sitting on our coffee table!!!

What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????

I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!

So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!

Here's to breakfast!!


Saturday, November 13, 2010


I work with children who have been severely physically, sexually, emotionally abused... Children who have been neglected, exposed to domestic violence, forgotten.....

This is my life's work. There are days I can't catch my breath because their horror is too much to bear. There are days when I laugh and go to Dairy Queen-because they have never even been to Dairy Queen. There are days when I am angry and fighting with a parent, a teacher, a judge...

I have been doing this work for a long time-10+ years and people who are new ask me all the time how I learn to seperate myself and my life from my work-how do I put all the sadness in a box. I tell them I don't. I don't ever want to do that... While it hurts, I want to feel it every time. It should always bother me when a child talks about beatings and middle of the night intrusions and watching mommy inject herself with needles... THAT SHOULD ALWAYS HURT AND I DON'T WANT THAT EVER IN A BOX.  It should absolutely effect my sleep, my relationships, my parenting. If I start to lose that... if I become desensitized, then I will leave.

What gives me hope is that I know is God is bigger than their abuse. He is bigger than their history, their trauma, their confusion.... I tell them God created them for a purpose and that while there is nothing in me that believes God caused their abuse, He can certainly use their horror for good... He specializes in turning hell into heaven...


Please know that if you have had any of these experiences.... if you have not known safety, have not felt loved..... to God, you are Beautiful.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Would the real me stand up?

Could there be two people existing in the same body... I don't mean in a "mentally unwell manner", just in the everyday-who am I way.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...

of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."

When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"

I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....

My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!

I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.

There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


So with everything going on, with all the craziness, we knew we just had to go!!

You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!

So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!

So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.

We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...

so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....

Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.

never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!


Saturday, November 6, 2010


Okay... well, maybe not exactly. I am no Joshua (how I love that Veggie Tales Movie), but wow, does the Lord ever have a way of revealing and preparing..

You see life as we have known it for 5 years has come to a screeching halt. I may not have been able to predict exactly what has occurred, but I can tell you, my soul was prepared. 

I knew something was coming. I wrote about it on this blog in July and October. This sense from God that something had to give-something was going to be taken away. To be honest, I had such a revelation about it,  I was worried-Dare I say I was scared that what He was going to require would be too much for me to bare.

I spoke about it with friends-this gnawing sense that our life was in for a shake-up. I wrote about it in my journal. Gary and I spoke about it so so so many times. 

So on Tuesday when my husband greeted me after work with "I lost my job", with tears in his eyes and worry written all over his face......can I say that I was slightly relieved. OH THAT'S IT!!!!!

It isn't the children, it isn't our extended family, it isn't me.....

I am NOT minimizing this in any way. My husband had a GREAT job and like many men, it became his whole identity. It was who he was! and he is a really really hard worker and waking up and having no where to go-well, that is unsettling to say the least. Financially, it is a HUGE kick in the belly and I have been walking around with a budget and a calculator for three days.

So I am not saying in any way that it doesn't hurt. That the sting isn't real. Gary is angry, disappointed, worried, relieved, sad, optimistic all wrapped up in one... and as a wife, sometimes I really don't know what to say to him, how to support him... and I don't like that feeling, because while I am not wife of the year, one thing I do well is support-be in his corner, and to be honest, I don't know what he needs. 

But how gracious is God. How marvelous is He... that he would have been preparing my soul for exactly this. that he would be creating a discontent in me with regards to Gary's job (oh the hours, the late nights, the weekends, the business trips......), a discontent with the pace of it all, trying to juggle his high profile, intense career, with mine-perhaps not as high profile, but certainly intense-and oh yeah....parenting two children, and having friends, and living!!!

We both woke up a couple of days ago, looked at each other and KNEW... without a shadow of doubt-we would be okay; things will work out; this will be for the best,even if it doesn't feel like it now. God is doing a work in our family, in me, in my husband, in our lifestyle, and who knows, there may be more "weeding" required, but somehow we will work through it...

The fog has lifted for me- and while I am scared as all get out, and have more questions than answers, and who in the world knows how in the bills get paid..... I feel better than I have in months!!!!