Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Really......6am....

So I knew life was going to change when the letter arrived. I may not have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but I knew my life was going to be consumed in an incredible way......

The letter: we received it last May and it informed us that Seamus had made the AA Rep Hockey team in our town. This is the best he can play for his age, and oh boy was he over the moon!! He had worked hard, tried out, and did his very best. Is it wrong that a very small part of me was kind of hoping the answer was no..yeah, I know it was wrong.

You see Rep hockey requires tons of money....and I mean tons.... and lots of travel. I kind of had my head around all of that and for a girl who rarely stayed in hotels growing up, I LOVE THEM, and this could be fun right???

But practices 6:00am every Tuesday morning-practices in which you need to be there 1/2 hour before and we live about 10 minutes away....well, you get the picture. Seamus rolled out of bed today at 5:10.....

The only bright spot of this..... Gary brings him!!!!!!!!!

Me

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I hate my life.....

Do you know how many times I have thought, mumbled, sometimes shouted those words in the last few weeks. 


To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!


Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left. 


Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.


Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!


Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.


Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!

and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can  you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....

So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....

and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....


He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....

and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much

healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again

My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!

Me

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Back to School Blues....

Oh he was so so excited. He could barely sleep last night. The book-bag was packed, the pencils sharpened, new erasers and highlighters and a pencil case, new indoor shoes that are just perfect.... all in the bag, organized and ready. Special breakfast this morning-pancakes, his favorite. Gary was up early, had everything ready and cooked for him so when he woke up, he could smell it and eat right away. Smiles as large as anything.......

Until we get there......

You see I knew he wasn't getting the fun teacher, the one that everyone wants, the one that is SOOO laid back and builds tree forts and plays Mantracker and always smiles and never yells!!! I have had many many conversations-perhaps too many-with the teachers deciding what would be best for Seamus this year. He has had the BEST teachers...in fact, back in my " I would never put my children in public school days" I didn't think teachers like this existed, but oh they do and they were wonderful... still are wonderful. He had very strong, very firm, yet very kind and wise female teachers, but this year he wanted something different, and to be honest I wanted something different for him too....and well, the fun Mr. Mac would have been just great...

But not to be and I knew it. So, I spent the last couple of weeks preparing him. Highlighting how much the other teacher-the once again, firm, strong and kind female-really was great, and really really wanted him in her class, and how he is just oh so smart and works so hard that being with the grade 4s, in a 3/4 split class would mean he could learn so many cool things, and that I was "pretty sure" his very best friend was going to be in that split class. He never really processed it out loud with me, but the last couple of days I heard him talk even more about how great it would be to be with that best friend, and how in "her class, we will get to build these really cool castles and learn more about knights and midevil times"-he really was working hard to convince himself this was going to be alright...

But this morning, when all of his other friends were running around screaming with delight that they were in Mr. Mac's and when his very very best friend wasn't there because they decided to spend an extra couple days in Germany-where they are from-and he is standing in line watching so outgoing and laughing Mr. Mac high five everyone and his teacher comes out, so prim and proper and reminds them to "stay in line" and there is no one-no real close friend there with him.......

Well, let's just say that Mama came over and he came home with me-just until recess. Just so we could process that best friend will be back very soon and she really is a nice teacher and he does have friends there, just maybe not the ones he was thinking, and he will learn about castles and knights and wow, he is so stinking smart.......and after some tears-from both of us to be honest, he was ready to go back and he did, quite well I might add and went bravely into that classroom and blew a kiss good-bye saying "I'm fine now mom." and I left.....

left to go to the office to ask about these class lists and really....no other close friend... and really couldn't he have the fun one for once and we talk and we talk and when I am done talking and hashing it all out, I feel better. I know he needs to be there, I know he simply CANNOT handle SOOOO laid back and that he is too bright and when bored, wow, he acts up and he starts to look like a really "bad kid" and that I assure you he is not.....

So today I am thankful.... thankful that Seamus has come so far that with some time and processing and talking it through, he was able to get it together and be so brave to go back to that not-so-fun class. I am thankful that his teachers really are looking out for him-even if it doesn't feel like it-and they are SOO SOOO invested in him having a good year and that I could talk to them and lay out my concerns and to be honest, they would have switched him, they really would have, and isn't that great, and for the extra support staff they have to talk with him about hockey and to ask about the summer and make him feel okay when he is missing that best friend......

I cannot ever believe there was a time that I spoke so terribly about "the public school system". Seamus, with his whole host of things/issues/struggles/quirks-he is thriving and learning like crazy and they are great, really really great. and he has met the most interesting kids-kids from totally different cultures, and value systems, and family make-ups and I LOVE IT. He isn't just learning about those things, he is living it and wow, those are so amazing life lessons to learn when you are 7-about faith and being true to Jesus when your really great friend is Muslim, about saying no to violent video games when you play at a friends house who is allowed to play anything, about saying sorry and realizing that our friends, even at 7 can mean everything and we can really hurt them.......

Rocky start, but I have a feeling this is going to be a good one.....

me

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Superhero

I am in the shower and I hear it.... the same thing I hear just about everytime I take a shower. Running, hard thumps, screaming, and general noise....up to no good noise!!!

I am just about to yell out, to remind them of the rules of the house, to tell them STOP in perhaps not the most friendly manner, when wait.... what is that I here:

"I am the superhero now, where is that villian? Run oh run as fast as you can," with more screaming and running. But that voice is not the children, it's my husband Gary.

I guess he decided to join in the fun and who I am to stop that!!!

To be honest, with the shift in perspective-smiling as I stand there soaking wet and picturing them running all through the house, laughing at daddy who is now wearing a really really small red cape-the noise didn't seem so bad and I found myself wondering what do I always feel the need to STOP IT.... to make their play clean and tidy, quiet and controlled.

Life is messy and loud and chaos and craziness. Wow, that is hard for me to accept. I have the vision in my mind about what my life should look like and sometimes two really active, loud, dare I say aggressive sports loving, wrestling fanatics, boys don't always fit into my perfect vision. Silly really...

I am so busy cleaning up from my life, that I am actually not living it!!!

For that moment, Dad was Superhero because he allowed himself the pure pleasure of joining, accepting them both for exactly who they are and flying through the house in a red cape...

Now that's living....

Me

PS: sorry for the quietness on this space. Thanks for the emails wondering-at least I know you are out there!!! Work has really really been beyond busy, in fact, emotionally very difficult with tough decisions being made for children and really tough days. At the end, I barely have enough to give to those who are the most important. Things are looking up though and settling, so life should resume a little more like normal.