Today, it is quiet here. Both children have started back to school/daycare and I have the day off. I worked hard on the weekend "dechristmasing" my home and organizing and cleaning so that I could puposefully do nothing today-a real day of relaxing before beginning work tomorrow.
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!