Tuesday, July 27, 2010

One of THOSE days....already

Have you ever had one of THOSE days....and it is only 7:45am?

Welcome to my morning!!!

It started fine, and to be honest I am not even sure where it took it's turn. Seamus lost a tooth yesterday so he woke up excited as anything that there was money in his tooth pouch. He seemed okay, content, settled, fine. Gary was helping make breakfast, I was making lunches (Seamus is at hockey camp so back making lunches this week), and it all was going along nicely.....

I looked at the clock, realized Gary and Seamus only had 15 minutes to be ready. They were in the room "chewing the fat" (talking nothing) and I said, perhaps not in the best tone to Gary, enough of that. We need to get everything ready. Okay, I admit, I was rushing, but I know how it will be when it is 7:30 and they are not ready. I also know how long it takes Seamus to do his morning routines, so I need to set the pace.. Well, that had to be it-that had to be THE MOMENT when it all went to pot!!!!!

Shortly after, Seamus is screaming (and when he screams/blow, he really does!!! I cannot even describe how dysregulated he becomes), becoming very defiant and argumentative. NOTHING was right. He didn't want that bread, didn't want it toasted, didn't want butter, didn't want to wear that shirt.... I think you get the picture. Of course, he is screaming all of this to us and well..let's just say after some time of patiently ignoring him and taking deep breaths, I start to scream back. Enter Gary to the rescue, however by this time Seamus has pushed ALL of his buttons and Gary is not exactly in the peaceful frame of mind. Mahone is outside playing. But of course, in the midst of it all, he comes back inside. Seamus continues to blow and we realize we have lost him.

We have "lost" him many times before. More often when he was not medicated, but lately a little more often again. Bipolar Disorder in children looks different than in adults. It is not the highs and lows per se, it is an extreme general irritability. When I say extreme, I mean EXTREME, DESTRUCTIVE, INTENSE, LOUD!!! I know this and I know really he is not in control, but in the moment, it is so hard to keep control myself. It is so hard to be yelled at, disrespected, called names.... even a mother can have her feelings hurt!!!!

He settles and begins to cry. That is the way it goes for him. A full cycle in 20 minutes. He has had his high, here is his low. He leaves for camp and my heart is as heavy as lead. I don't want that to be the way he goes out into the world!!!

Mahone of course is now screaming because I have told him he needs to come in to get ready for the day. He starts to hit my leg and I kid you not, throw his shoes at me. I have deja vu as I remember Seamus throwing his shoes at me when he was younger. I am triggered and frightened. I don't want the same for him. I am desperate for Mahone to just be "normal"-whatever that means!!!! I am calm by now, which is better. I gently escort him to his room in silence, where he is to stay until his shoe throwing moments are passed. He is there for only a couple of minutes and I realize-Seamus would have been there for an hour-I am filled with hope again-just normal 3 year old stuff!!!

So now, in writing this, I have taken the 10 minutes to breath and focus on something other than wondering why God would let me, with all of my faults and shortcomings, parent such a high needs boy? and wondering what is wrong with me that I just can't keep my cool in all of this? and wondering how to go about my time letting this go?

and really getting God's grace, just a little, because despite the name calling and the defiance, all of my thoughts of Seamus now are good and wonderful and sweet and vulnerable.

My goodness.. it is only of THOSE mornings, but here's to it being a better day!!


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