You see life as we have known it for 5 years has come to a screeching halt. I may not have been able to predict exactly what has occurred, but I can tell you, my soul was prepared.
I knew something was coming. I wrote about it on this blog in July and October. This sense from God that something had to give-something was going to be taken away. To be honest, I had such a revelation about it, I was worried-Dare I say I was scared that what He was going to require would be too much for me to bare.
I spoke about it with friends-this gnawing sense that our life was in for a shake-up. I wrote about it in my journal. Gary and I spoke about it so so so many times.
So on Tuesday when my husband greeted me after work with "I lost my job", with tears in his eyes and worry written all over his face......can I say that I was slightly relieved. OH THAT'S IT!!!!!
It isn't the children, it isn't our extended family, it isn't me.....
I am NOT minimizing this in any way. My husband had a GREAT job and like many men, it became his whole identity. It was who he was! and he is a really really hard worker and waking up and having no where to go-well, that is unsettling to say the least. Financially, it is a HUGE kick in the belly and I have been walking around with a budget and a calculator for three days.
So I am not saying in any way that it doesn't hurt. That the sting isn't real. Gary is angry, disappointed, worried, relieved, sad, optimistic all wrapped up in one... and as a wife, sometimes I really don't know what to say to him, how to support him... and I don't like that feeling, because while I am not wife of the year, one thing I do well is support-be in his corner, and to be honest, I don't know what he needs.
But how gracious is God. How marvelous is He... that he would have been preparing my soul for exactly this. that he would be creating a discontent in me with regards to Gary's job (oh the hours, the late nights, the weekends, the business trips......), a discontent with the pace of it all, trying to juggle his high profile, intense career, with mine-perhaps not as high profile, but certainly intense-and oh yeah....parenting two children, and having friends, and living!!!
We both woke up a couple of days ago, looked at each other and KNEW... without a shadow of doubt-we would be okay; things will work out; this will be for the best,even if it doesn't feel like it now. God is doing a work in our family, in me, in my husband, in our lifestyle, and who knows, there may be more "weeding" required, but somehow we will work through it...
The fog has lifted for me- and while I am scared as all get out, and have more questions than answers, and who in the world knows how in the bills get paid..... I feel better than I have in months!!!!