I have left the building....I will no longer update this blog....
Come and visit at All the pretty things
Suzin
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Seeking me...Really, what was I thinking!
So most of the "comments" I receive from this blog come through email. I am not sure what that is about-why people don't comment right where there is a comment button, but whatever.. perhaps it is more personal, more private, and I get that for sure. I have made some nice connections with people through this blog thing and I like that.
Anyway... in talking with one of those people, something that she said really grabbed me.. I mean, light bulb, ahh moment, divine revelation-you know those moments....
So, as a result I am changing this blog and the blog name and all of that.. and given that I am not that frequent of a blogger, perhaps I will lose some readers-the ones that don't comment, just view. Maybe they won't be able to find me, but I will try to figure out some sort of re-routing thing. Those regulars-well, we email each other for the most part, so they'll get it...
Desperately seeking suzin....a popular 80s movie, which of course is where I got the title, but it's message and the point of this blog was in some small way to journal my quest for self-discovery. I know, sounds sort of "New Agey" and that really wasn't my intention, it is just that for many years, I have felt like someone with multiple personality, with two sets of lives, two sets of desires, two sets of values, and all polar opposite... So, I was thinking that through journaling and basically processing my thoughts through the written form.. well, that would help me merge the two worlds.
What I realized... with the help, of course, of some pretty great friends, is that I am seeking ME, and quite frankly, I am not who I should be seeking. Of course, I am still struggling, of course I am still working through things, of course I feel no more settled and secure that I did before this whole blog thing... I am most definitely seeking the wrong person....I have the wrong Autopilot!!!
Almost every discussion with friends, almost every message preached on Sunday, every Bible Study time, every book, every song, every "inner nudge" has been pointing to the same thing... I need to really forget about me and focus on Him-a deeper relationship, a more intentional seeking of His will, His desires, His values....This blog title in light of this revelation (which I realize is common sense if you are a Christian, but I cannot begin to tell you how deep this truth is for me right now and how radically it is changing my life.. and in ways I am not that comfortable with let me tell you, but that is a post for a different day..) seems almost sacreligious.
So, off I got to find something different. A new name, a new focus, new themes, more pictures... Yes, Jenny I heard you!!! Of course, I have to figure out how to do all of that, but hey, the one great thing about Gary not working out of the house is that he is pretty handy with all of this.....
Seeking something that most certainly is not me......
Me
Anyway... in talking with one of those people, something that she said really grabbed me.. I mean, light bulb, ahh moment, divine revelation-you know those moments....
So, as a result I am changing this blog and the blog name and all of that.. and given that I am not that frequent of a blogger, perhaps I will lose some readers-the ones that don't comment, just view. Maybe they won't be able to find me, but I will try to figure out some sort of re-routing thing. Those regulars-well, we email each other for the most part, so they'll get it...
Desperately seeking suzin....a popular 80s movie, which of course is where I got the title, but it's message and the point of this blog was in some small way to journal my quest for self-discovery. I know, sounds sort of "New Agey" and that really wasn't my intention, it is just that for many years, I have felt like someone with multiple personality, with two sets of lives, two sets of desires, two sets of values, and all polar opposite... So, I was thinking that through journaling and basically processing my thoughts through the written form.. well, that would help me merge the two worlds.
What I realized... with the help, of course, of some pretty great friends, is that I am seeking ME, and quite frankly, I am not who I should be seeking. Of course, I am still struggling, of course I am still working through things, of course I feel no more settled and secure that I did before this whole blog thing... I am most definitely seeking the wrong person....I have the wrong Autopilot!!!
Almost every discussion with friends, almost every message preached on Sunday, every Bible Study time, every book, every song, every "inner nudge" has been pointing to the same thing... I need to really forget about me and focus on Him-a deeper relationship, a more intentional seeking of His will, His desires, His values....This blog title in light of this revelation (which I realize is common sense if you are a Christian, but I cannot begin to tell you how deep this truth is for me right now and how radically it is changing my life.. and in ways I am not that comfortable with let me tell you, but that is a post for a different day..) seems almost sacreligious.
So, off I got to find something different. A new name, a new focus, new themes, more pictures... Yes, Jenny I heard you!!! Of course, I have to figure out how to do all of that, but hey, the one great thing about Gary not working out of the house is that he is pretty handy with all of this.....
Seeking something that most certainly is not me......
Me
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Hold Onto Your Kids!!!!
This book has completely changed the entire way I parent. I mean, I am pretty "smart" when it comes to this parenting thing. I taught parenting courses early in my social work career and studied child development, parenting approaches, and various family theories. When I say "smart" of course we know what that means-book smart. You have to remember, I taught parenting before I even had children!!! Who lets someone do that. I knew really nothing to be honest....
I spend my days now, as my side bar indicates, working with children who have been abused, suffered various traumas, etc. As a result, I have access to child psychologists and attend a variety of workshops and training. I am lucky in a sense, although I do talk often about how my work, specifically in attachment theory (which I fully subscribe to, by the way, and not the Dr. Sears version, but actually scientific attachment theory, but I digress...) completely messed up the first 6 months of my parenting journey, but that is a story for another time!!
Anyway, the program I work has the work of Daniel Hughes as our foundation, but lately, we have been studying and learning about the work of Gordan Neufeld. He wrote the book shown above, Hold Onto Your Kids. I saw him lecture in Ottawa about a year ago, then watched a DVD he has based on the book and then re-read the book again. It is so unbelievably life changing for me in terms of the response I give my children, specifically Mahone. Seamus we have parented following his approaches instinctively given his special needs and emotional sensitivities. Mahone however, we have not, and oh boy, what a difference it makes.
What he recommends takes work and takes a thick skin-there is nothing worse than being in public, having your child be disobedient and you not react in the way that is custom for our society-to actually not really react at all. Trust me, you would be surprised at the reactions from others your lack of reaction causes!!!! I know, I have heard it all in No Frills!!!!
Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the DVD. It is a heavy book in some ways and while some of it is "common sense" and very traditional and back to basics parenting, it totally is counter cultural and fantastic.
A blog I follow-The Parenting Passageway-has been reading the book and provides a summary of each chapter with some comments. I highly recommend anyone interested to look at that blog and the back entries for the chapters they have already reviewed. That particular blog is from a Waldorf perspective, but it is nicely matched with Neufeld's work. In fact, maybe that is why it reasonates so deep for me-he provides a researched theory and words to something I feel I have known instinctively.
I will say though, one thing I have really learned about myself is how ingrained certain patterns are for me and how even when I know better and fully believe in something different, when I am tired or stressed, I fall back on the same old routines and habits... This book is challenging my inconsistent nature let me tell you!!!!
Anyway, I could write/talk forever about this book, its principles and ideas... It is consuming so much of Gary and I's conversations, not to mention all that I talk about at work, and since this blog is supposed to be about me and my search for what is true to me, then I thought I should share!!
Enjoy
Me
life savings...
Kevin from Home Alone (the movie): "Oh look, this is Buzz's life savings."
Mahone-watching his favorite movie that perhaps is inappropriate for his age: "What's life savings mama, money?"
Me: "yes, sort of like that."
Mahone: "sometimes life savings can be credit cards mama. Tomorrow let's buy our life savings."
Mahone-watching his favorite movie that perhaps is inappropriate for his age: "What's life savings mama, money?"
Me: "yes, sort of like that."
Mahone: "sometimes life savings can be credit cards mama. Tomorrow let's buy our life savings."
Monday, January 3, 2011
Perspective-a step in Life Makeover
Today, it is quiet here. Both children have started back to school/daycare and I have the day off. I worked hard on the weekend "dechristmasing" my home and organizing and cleaning so that I could puposefully do nothing today-a real day of relaxing before beginning work tomorrow.
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
*************************************************************************
This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
**************************************************************************
So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!
This "doing nothing" really has got me thinking about perspective.
You see, while thinking about this day of no plans, no schedules, no kids... I began to feel guilty (in case you haven't already figured out, I am by nature, plagued with guilt over well, just about everything!!!!).... I thought that really I should have kept Mahone home to have a day just with him, or I should really tackle that spare room in the basement.. you know, the one that I can't open the door because I just keeping throwing things in.. or I should go out and get some household errands accomplished-groceries, the bank, the drug store!!! I even thought perhaps I should go into work and get organized for tomorrow.. Really, I should be productive with this day-I really shouldn't waste a free day....
Perspective: Doing nothing is not actually doing nothing!!!! I am resting, reading some amazing books on parenting, on spiritual growth, and fiction just for fun. I am going to make a nice lunch for myself that doesn't consist of whole wheat macaroni with butter and shredded cheese-the only thing Mahone and Seamus will eat for lunch lately, and quite frankly, I am a little tired of both making and eating!!! I will nourish my body with a little variety. I will journal some goals and some new rhythms and Gary and I will have an actual conversation that is not interrupted thirteen times by either Seamus or Mahone!!! doing nothing is actually doing something pretty important come to think of it.
*************************************************************************
This year has been a hard one. Seamus has struggled at school and at home for most of the year. He has been seen medically on a number of occassions and has had his meds adjusted a few times as well. He doesn't have the fun teacher, school work is becoming harder and harder and his very best friend has announced that he is moving back to Germany!!! Mahone transformed from my easy going, pleasant little guy, to my slighlty crazy, screaming, machine!!He was hard to toilet train, hard to wean off a bottle, the most distressing transition from a home based daycare to a center, three trips to emergency... well, tough!! Work has been unbelievably challenging this last year-things happening with the kids I work with that have actually shaken my core, causing me to question myself, my job. And of course home-Gary losing his job perhaps the most obvious, but really, a general theme of discontent and chaos the whole year.
Perspective: Having all of these experiences have taught me oh my, so much.. how not to take things and people for granted, how to really nurture my children and to really be attuned to their needs-because if I didn't look at their behavior and their struggles from a place of compassion...well, not sure how they or me would have survived!!! It has reignited my faith-"you never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." Gary has been home these last couple of months and he has been able to help Seamus especially out with school and has been able to really connect with Mahone (imagine, Mahone is now actually asking for Gary sometimes-big for a real mama's boy). Gary and I have had to connect and support each other and really, we are unbelievably blessed!!!!
**************************************************************************
So we attend the same church as the person who fired my husband.... the same person, who without explanation, and very unexpectedly, told him he no longer had a job... the same person who refused to meet with him shortly after to allow Gary the opportunity to pitch an idea he had, to debrief, to feel at least a little respected in the whole matter. Yeah, that's a tough one!!!! Gary is not working yet-some amazing leads, but nothing until at least the end of January. I am sure once his focus in on something else, the sting of what he has lost will well..not sting as much, but right now, he is not there. So, attending church with this individual is difficult to say the very least. It is hard not to approach him and let him know the impact of his decision on our family, to look for answers, some days I want to thank him, other times I want to give him a piece of my mind...he also leads worship. Not every Sunday, but often...and guess what, he is so talented as a singer that I really enjoy when he leads worship... So in thinking about all of this, I knew that if he were to lead worship, I would have to walk out of the service. I would have to leave. I mean, really how do you worship when the person leading has devasted your husband, created a financial mess for your family and has caused such worry and upset!!!!
Perspective: I am not worshipping him. I am there to worship Christ.. Christ, who heals devasted hearts, who ensures our very needs are met, who has all dominion to give and take away, since everything is from Him anyway. The very Christ who comforts and soothes and who has a plan in all of this..even though right now, it is SO SO SO hard to see. I am not worshipping a human being, and certainly not him. I will say, it took a couple of deep breaths for me and there were a couple of times my mind wandered and I could not make eye contact with him, but I didn't walk out and my really focusing on the words and WHO I was singing for-well, it made the worship sweeter.
I could do on and on.... It really is just a shift in perspective. I am not saying that as if it is easy or even if it is automatic. It most certainly is not. I am not really a glass half full kind of person! What I know though is that I cannot wallow, I cannot keep my mind focused on all the struggle, the hardship, the negative.
My word for this year is RENEWAL. Renewing my mind, my spirit, my body, my relationships, my mothering, my work. A shift in perspective is for certain the first step.
Hey, it is only 10:35-lots already accomplished today if you ask me!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Life makeover... I know, it sounds like a bad magazine article!!!!
A while back, I blogged about the fact that I put off things I don't like... things that are uncomfortable, scary, anything related to pain of any kind, things that will quite frankly take too much time in this "busy" life of mine!!!
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Gary and I were sitting in Seamus' dr's office a few weeks back and Gary needed to check his appt time with his own dr-my dr too. They are in the same building, which as an aside, so is our dentist so it makes it really easy!!! Anyway, he went out in the hall and I reminded him that he needed to turn left for the stairs and he looked at me a little "confused-like" and said "Our doctor moved his office over two years ago...seriously Suzin has it really been that long".... and yes, indeed it has.
So, in a moment of bravery, I walked across the hall and booked an appointment. The receptionist greeted me saying "oh hey stranger" and after looking in my chart informed me that my last appt was December 6, 2006-I was pregnant with Mahone and apparently had a cold or something!!! Well, that was a little sobering.
Since 2006 I have perhaps attended 20 doctors appts for my kids. I have called and booked and reminded Gary of probably 5 appointments. Yet somehow I couldn't make the time or get the energy for me to go...
My appt was yesterday and I did not want to go. I had wrapping to do and Santa pictures and baking with Seamus and a basement to reorganize to make room for gifts, and...... I was going to call and reschedule and I completely rationalized that it is Christmas break and I really need to be with the family, not an hour in the drs office and really, it is not much of a break if I have appts and .....
But I am pretty sure Gary would have freaked out if I did that and really, for that reason only, I went. My doctor is a very old (in his late 70s for sure) man from South Africa, who still makes housecalls and is as thorough as you can possibly be.I was in with him for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Apparently when you have not been there in a while, there is lots of checking and talking that needs to be done.
Apparently, I am good-no bumps or marks where they shouldn't be, apparently really good circulation-who knew!! I did however gain about 25 pounds since I last saw him, my blood pressure is elevated and my hormones and moods therefore, are totally unregulated-looking at some meds for that right now until the natural impact of weight loss and decrease stress will hopefully even some of that out!!!
Throughout the appt, he kept reminding me that as a mom and wife, it is actually more impt that I take the time to see him, to keep my health in check, to get out walking and ease off the pasta, to take time to breath and slow down enough for my blood pressure to rest!!!
So that was his prescription for me. It is easier to fill a prescription for some magic pill than to basically change your life patterns, but that's what's needed so here I go!!!
With everything that has been going on this fall-Gary's job loss, Seamus' really struggling, needing different meds and big issues at school and big issues on the ice leading to us not allowing him to play for a time, with Mahone going through a crazy screaming phase that with my depleted energy I don't think I am managing well, with so so so many crisis with my kids and families at work, with financial reserves running low...well, a life makeover (sounds a little corny I know, but that is the only way I know how to describe it) is in order!!
That is scary to me and exciting a little... and somehow when the doctor is "prescribing" it, it justifies the time spent on myself to me.. You see I am one of those moms that feel guilty away from the children, feel guilty when they are left with grandparents or even Gary, for me to do something FOR ME! Seems selfish and just not what a "good mom" does, but you see, my dr told me I had to, so that is permission for me.
It was a wake-up call, it was scary to see the scale and the blood pressure (which my mom, in her moment of comfort, reminded me that high blood pressure is a silent killer!!! Thanks mom), but you know what, I am SO glad I walked in that office!!!! It really was just what I needed!!!!!!
me
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
This is breakfast...
So it is a hockey morning here, which means Seamus and Gary left the house at 5:15. Mahone always wakes early that day as well-hearing the noises in the morning in a tiny house will do that!!
On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!
But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.
What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????
I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!
So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!
Here's to breakfast!!
me.
On these mornings... who am I kidding... on every morning, my boys eat their breakfast in the living room in front of the TV. Yeah, I know that we should eat together at the table, I know it encourages bad habits and mindless eating... I also know that I need to shower, make lunches, and get out of the house in record time in the morning, so we do what works!!!! We do make good breakfasts for the most part-eggs a least a couple of times a week, oatmeal, pancakes, sometimes toast or cereal. I have this thing about them having something hot in the morning!!!
But when it is just Mahone and I, I bring on "the tray"-a small wicker tray with wooden holders that I bought at a yard sale for .50 cents We use this tray almost everyday-for snacks after school, before bed, small lunches.. and on Tuesday morning, Mahone's breakfast.
 |
| This is the smile he gives for every picture... and yes, he is sitting on our coffee table!!! |
What I would love to have is some suggestions for some healthier whole food versions of my breakfast staples....cheerios (these are banana nut) and bran crackers ( I kid you not, my children love Presidents Choice Bran mini crackers). The cheese, apples, oranges and milk I feel pretty good about, but if you read the ingredients in the cereal and the bran crackers.....well, that I am not so sure. Maybe it is fine and sometimes even good things have weird sounding ingredients.. right????
I have found that lately-within the last month-I have been buying food I don't usually buy-can anyone say canned Vienna Sausages (and I use the word sausage loosely!!), and have felt that even though our budget is tighter... so much tighter, I need to stay true to what I feed my family, and myself for that matter. Living outside of my values, even in this small area, is not feeling good!!!!
So, I am looking for budget friendly tips for convenience food-you know, crackers, granola bars, cereal!!
Here's to breakfast!!
me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Beautiful
I work with children who have been severely physically, sexually, emotionally abused... Children who have been neglected, exposed to domestic violence, forgotten.....
This is my life's work. There are days I can't catch my breath because their horror is too much to bear. There are days when I laugh and go to Dairy Queen-because they have never even been to Dairy Queen. There are days when I am angry and fighting with a parent, a teacher, a judge...
I have been doing this work for a long time-10+ years and people who are new ask me all the time how I learn to seperate myself and my life from my work-how do I put all the sadness in a box. I tell them I don't. I don't ever want to do that... While it hurts, I want to feel it every time. It should always bother me when a child talks about beatings and middle of the night intrusions and watching mommy inject herself with needles... THAT SHOULD ALWAYS HURT AND I DON'T WANT THAT EVER IN A BOX. It should absolutely effect my sleep, my relationships, my parenting. If I start to lose that... if I become desensitized, then I will leave.
What gives me hope is that I know is God is bigger than their abuse. He is bigger than their history, their trauma, their confusion.... I tell them God created them for a purpose and that while there is nothing in me that believes God caused their abuse, He can certainly use their horror for good... He specializes in turning hell into heaven...
Please know that if you have had any of these experiences.... if you have not known safety, have not felt loved..... to God, you are Beautiful.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Would the real me stand up?
Could there be two people existing in the same body... I don't mean in a "mentally unwell manner", just in the everyday-who am I way.
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...
of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."
When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"
I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....
My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!
I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.
There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and we were talking about how people can be one way at work, yet someone almost completely different outside of work...
of course we were talking about someone in particular and it was easy to find example after example of how this person is "so different" at home and all the ways in which their personality just isn't the same at work.. and "isn't that a shame, " and "so terrible to have to try so hard to be something your are not, " and "how sad to be so different-where is the personal integrity."
When all of a sudden, I realized hey, is that me sometimes. Am I someone different in all the different settings of my life. Am I one person at work, one person at home, one person at church, one person out with one group of friends, someone else with another, one person online, one person "real world?"
I would like to think the core of me is there; that I do have some set version of me, my values, my personality, but for certain, I can change myself according to my surroundings. I guess that's why I am desperately seeking....
My friend said she was surprised the name of my blog-desperately seeking.... she said I am someone who knows myself... yeah... not so much!
I know my values, I know my beliefs, but how to live them out, how to really be me in my skin-I haven't figured that out at all.
There's nothing like a shake-up in your life to really get your mind working/questioning/reanalyzing.. I think sometimes that's the point.
Me
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
getaway
So with everything going on, with all the craziness, we knew we just had to go!!
You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!
So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!
So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.
We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...
so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....
Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.
never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!
Me
You see I already had taken two days off work and had already booked the babysitter-AKA Grandma-as Gary had a conference in Deerhurst Resort he was to attend for work. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to going with him. I have only left the children once for 2 nights-and that was more than a year ago-so quite frankly, mama was due for a break. and Gary would be working all day, but we would have time together at night and in the day, I am pretty sure I could find something to occupy me-can anyone say SPA!
So with the news that came last Tuesday, is it wrong to say that I almost immediately went to "but my getaway, my Muskokas"... yes, sometimes I am THAT selfish!!!
So on Thursday, I came home from work and said-that't it, we are going. The house was kind of tense... we were talking and talking and talking about his job, what happened, speculating as to why (we still have no idea), worrying and fretting, laughing, crying.... to be honest, we were not really focused on the children. So every time they needed us, it was like nails on a chaulkboard... is that wrong for a good mom to say... we were just so consumed with us, with our needs, with his needs, we couldn't really be there for them. So in some respects, I knew this would be better and maybe just what was needed... now, more than ever.
We stayed at a bed and breakfast for two nights-no tv, no phone, no internet-just us, wine, and a ton of books!! Somehow over the two days, some things became clear, some plans made, some decisions firmed up, souls mended, some anger and bitterness prayed through...
so, while things are not all better-he still is not working, they didn't change their mind and ask him to come back to work, and no one is beating our door down with job offers, it FEELS better for him....
Losing his job was perhaps one of the better things for me-it clarified some things, it forced me to take a look at our lifestyle, pride that was growing in me, messed up priorities and a lifestyle of busy that I could not maintain. But for him... well, that's different. It has shaken him somewhere deep, and sometimes just talking it through and spending time being built back up by your helpmate.... well, that's what's needed.
never underestimate the power of a get-away... and while it may not have made the most financial sense, it may not have really been the best timing... it was most definitely the best thing!!!!!!
Me
Saturday, November 6, 2010
I AM A PROPHET FROM THE LORD..
Okay... well, maybe not exactly. I am no Joshua (how I love that Veggie Tales Movie), but wow, does the Lord ever have a way of revealing and preparing..
You see life as we have known it for 5 years has come to a screeching halt. I may not have been able to predict exactly what has occurred, but I can tell you, my soul was prepared.
I knew something was coming. I wrote about it on this blog in July and October. This sense from God that something had to give-something was going to be taken away. To be honest, I had such a revelation about it, I was worried-Dare I say I was scared that what He was going to require would be too much for me to bare.
I spoke about it with friends-this gnawing sense that our life was in for a shake-up. I wrote about it in my journal. Gary and I spoke about it so so so many times.
So on Tuesday when my husband greeted me after work with "I lost my job", with tears in his eyes and worry written all over his face......can I say that I was slightly relieved. OH THAT'S IT!!!!!
It isn't the children, it isn't our extended family, it isn't me.....
I am NOT minimizing this in any way. My husband had a GREAT job and like many men, it became his whole identity. It was who he was! and he is a really really hard worker and waking up and having no where to go-well, that is unsettling to say the least. Financially, it is a HUGE kick in the belly and I have been walking around with a budget and a calculator for three days.
So I am not saying in any way that it doesn't hurt. That the sting isn't real. Gary is angry, disappointed, worried, relieved, sad, optimistic all wrapped up in one... and as a wife, sometimes I really don't know what to say to him, how to support him... and I don't like that feeling, because while I am not wife of the year, one thing I do well is support-be in his corner, and to be honest, I don't know what he needs.
But how gracious is God. How marvelous is He... that he would have been preparing my soul for exactly this. that he would be creating a discontent in me with regards to Gary's job (oh the hours, the late nights, the weekends, the business trips......), a discontent with the pace of it all, trying to juggle his high profile, intense career, with mine-perhaps not as high profile, but certainly intense-and oh yeah....parenting two children, and having friends, and living!!!
We both woke up a couple of days ago, looked at each other and KNEW... without a shadow of doubt-we would be okay; things will work out; this will be for the best,even if it doesn't feel like it now. God is doing a work in our family, in me, in my husband, in our lifestyle, and who knows, there may be more "weeding" required, but somehow we will work through it...
The fog has lifted for me- and while I am scared as all get out, and have more questions than answers, and who in the world knows how in the bills get paid..... I feel better than I have in months!!!!
Me
Saturday, October 30, 2010
time - out
Sorry for the absence.
Life is going too fast and the 2 x 4 has arrived-those who read earlier entries know what I mean.
This is beyond having a bad day; beyond the everyday busy.
Life is hurting a little; creating in me something I don't like-a constant "edge", a constant discontent.
So I have taken a break from lots of things-no computer, no phone, no email, nothing outside of the bare necessities. Even that really isn't enough, so I am pretty sure something else is going to have to give-hence, the hurt.
I know in the end it all works out-in the end it doesn't just work out-it is better. I have been through enough of these trials of faith to know that-it is just hard to live through it.
me
Life is going too fast and the 2 x 4 has arrived-those who read earlier entries know what I mean.
This is beyond having a bad day; beyond the everyday busy.
Life is hurting a little; creating in me something I don't like-a constant "edge", a constant discontent.
So I have taken a break from lots of things-no computer, no phone, no email, nothing outside of the bare necessities. Even that really isn't enough, so I am pretty sure something else is going to have to give-hence, the hurt.
I know in the end it all works out-in the end it doesn't just work out-it is better. I have been through enough of these trials of faith to know that-it is just hard to live through it.
me
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Really......6am....
So I knew life was going to change when the letter arrived. I may not have a lot of experience with this sort of thing, but I knew my life was going to be consumed in an incredible way......
The letter: we received it last May and it informed us that Seamus had made the AA Rep Hockey team in our town. This is the best he can play for his age, and oh boy was he over the moon!! He had worked hard, tried out, and did his very best. Is it wrong that a very small part of me was kind of hoping the answer was no..yeah, I know it was wrong.
You see Rep hockey requires tons of money....and I mean tons.... and lots of travel. I kind of had my head around all of that and for a girl who rarely stayed in hotels growing up, I LOVE THEM, and this could be fun right???
But practices 6:00am every Tuesday morning-practices in which you need to be there 1/2 hour before and we live about 10 minutes away....well, you get the picture. Seamus rolled out of bed today at 5:10.....
The only bright spot of this..... Gary brings him!!!!!!!!!
Me
The letter: we received it last May and it informed us that Seamus had made the AA Rep Hockey team in our town. This is the best he can play for his age, and oh boy was he over the moon!! He had worked hard, tried out, and did his very best. Is it wrong that a very small part of me was kind of hoping the answer was no..yeah, I know it was wrong.
You see Rep hockey requires tons of money....and I mean tons.... and lots of travel. I kind of had my head around all of that and for a girl who rarely stayed in hotels growing up, I LOVE THEM, and this could be fun right???
But practices 6:00am every Tuesday morning-practices in which you need to be there 1/2 hour before and we live about 10 minutes away....well, you get the picture. Seamus rolled out of bed today at 5:10.....
The only bright spot of this..... Gary brings him!!!!!!!!!
Me
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I hate my life.....
Do you know how many times I have thought, mumbled, sometimes shouted those words in the last few weeks.
To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!
Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left.
Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.
Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!
Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.
Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!
and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....
So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....
and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....
He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....
and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much
healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again
My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!
Me
To say I have been in a funk would be putting it mildly. I mean I know I am moody. I get that... I always have been a little high and low, but this- well.....it is nothing but low!!!!
Work has been unbearable in so many ways, and while I thought I saw a light at the end of this tunnel, it left.
Mahone, who was my laid back, easy going baby, has become a three year old crazy boy. Hitting, screaming, saying no, complete defiance, easily frustrated, bossy-I could go on and on, but I think I should stop there. He has started a daycare/pre-school and while he loves it and is doing great, he continues to cry all the way in the car driving there and cries until we drop him off and leave-what a fun way to start the day-insert sarcasm.
Since we have come back from vacation, Gary has been away twice... have I said before I don't do well when Gary is away. Our parenting routines are meant for two people. I cannot even imagine how single moms do this!!!
Seamus' school is always stressful for me. I am so so invested in it being the best it can be for him and there have been so many changes at the school, and I don't deal well with change.
Money is tighter than it should be-where is it all!!! Oh yeah, Seamus now plays Rep hockey, which means thousands of dollars and life lived at the rink-and lots of travel-like every weekend travel!!!!!
and I am tired.....oh I am so tired..... I have visions of life on my own-no children, no husband, no responsibilities!!! To join a convent-can you do that when you are not Catholic??? To live with an Amish family and learn to quilt, to be in the bathroom by myself!!!! Now wouldn't that be luxury.....
So, needless to say-things here have been somewhat gray.....
and wouldn't you know it-that is when God shows up..Doesn't He always....
He has surrounded me with the deepest sorrow lately. Reading this has been heartbreaking. Ann's pictures of the poorest of the poor, the meeting of the child she sponsors through Compassion, the stories she shares of heartbreak and fear!!!! Stories on the radio of a baby born with a heart defect and needing surgery and nearly dying at 3 days old-how does one ever cope. A mother of three young children, healthy, doing everything right, discovers she has breast cancer-stage 3, a teacher loses her job at the only school she has ever worked....
and I hate my life.... Really..how could I even think it, say it, feel it!!!!!! I have so so so much
healthy, happy and yeah, a little crazy, boys;
a husband who is truly a saint, who makes me tea, and cleans and tells me to lie down
a house-and a pretty nice one at that-decorated with all the luxury and coziness
money for fun things, for Starbucks, for nights out with friends, for hockey!!
a career that I love; that I get to be a factor in changing a child's life
family, and mother-in-laws to pick up my children, and start my laundry, and listen to me vent and curse
friends to go out with and dance and be silly and act like we are in university again
My life is pretty great-I think I better go and tell my husband and kids that!!!!!!!!
Me
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Back to School Blues....
Oh he was so so excited. He could barely sleep last night. The book-bag was packed, the pencils sharpened, new erasers and highlighters and a pencil case, new indoor shoes that are just perfect.... all in the bag, organized and ready. Special breakfast this morning-pancakes, his favorite. Gary was up early, had everything ready and cooked for him so when he woke up, he could smell it and eat right away. Smiles as large as anything.......
Until we get there......
You see I knew he wasn't getting the fun teacher, the one that everyone wants, the one that is SOOO laid back and builds tree forts and plays Mantracker and always smiles and never yells!!! I have had many many conversations-perhaps too many-with the teachers deciding what would be best for Seamus this year. He has had the BEST teachers...in fact, back in my " I would never put my children in public school days" I didn't think teachers like this existed, but oh they do and they were wonderful... still are wonderful. He had very strong, very firm, yet very kind and wise female teachers, but this year he wanted something different, and to be honest I wanted something different for him too....and well, the fun Mr. Mac would have been just great...
But not to be and I knew it. So, I spent the last couple of weeks preparing him. Highlighting how much the other teacher-the once again, firm, strong and kind female-really was great, and really really wanted him in her class, and how he is just oh so smart and works so hard that being with the grade 4s, in a 3/4 split class would mean he could learn so many cool things, and that I was "pretty sure" his very best friend was going to be in that split class. He never really processed it out loud with me, but the last couple of days I heard him talk even more about how great it would be to be with that best friend, and how in "her class, we will get to build these really cool castles and learn more about knights and midevil times"-he really was working hard to convince himself this was going to be alright...
But this morning, when all of his other friends were running around screaming with delight that they were in Mr. Mac's and when his very very best friend wasn't there because they decided to spend an extra couple days in Germany-where they are from-and he is standing in line watching so outgoing and laughing Mr. Mac high five everyone and his teacher comes out, so prim and proper and reminds them to "stay in line" and there is no one-no real close friend there with him.......
Well, let's just say that Mama came over and he came home with me-just until recess. Just so we could process that best friend will be back very soon and she really is a nice teacher and he does have friends there, just maybe not the ones he was thinking, and he will learn about castles and knights and wow, he is so stinking smart.......and after some tears-from both of us to be honest, he was ready to go back and he did, quite well I might add and went bravely into that classroom and blew a kiss good-bye saying "I'm fine now mom." and I left.....
left to go to the office to ask about these class lists and really....no other close friend... and really couldn't he have the fun one for once and we talk and we talk and when I am done talking and hashing it all out, I feel better. I know he needs to be there, I know he simply CANNOT handle SOOOO laid back and that he is too bright and when bored, wow, he acts up and he starts to look like a really "bad kid" and that I assure you he is not.....
So today I am thankful.... thankful that Seamus has come so far that with some time and processing and talking it through, he was able to get it together and be so brave to go back to that not-so-fun class. I am thankful that his teachers really are looking out for him-even if it doesn't feel like it-and they are SOO SOOO invested in him having a good year and that I could talk to them and lay out my concerns and to be honest, they would have switched him, they really would have, and isn't that great, and for the extra support staff they have to talk with him about hockey and to ask about the summer and make him feel okay when he is missing that best friend......
I cannot ever believe there was a time that I spoke so terribly about "the public school system". Seamus, with his whole host of things/issues/struggles/quirks-he is thriving and learning like crazy and they are great, really really great. and he has met the most interesting kids-kids from totally different cultures, and value systems, and family make-ups and I LOVE IT. He isn't just learning about those things, he is living it and wow, those are so amazing life lessons to learn when you are 7-about faith and being true to Jesus when your really great friend is Muslim, about saying no to violent video games when you play at a friends house who is allowed to play anything, about saying sorry and realizing that our friends, even at 7 can mean everything and we can really hurt them.......
Rocky start, but I have a feeling this is going to be a good one.....
me
Until we get there......
You see I knew he wasn't getting the fun teacher, the one that everyone wants, the one that is SOOO laid back and builds tree forts and plays Mantracker and always smiles and never yells!!! I have had many many conversations-perhaps too many-with the teachers deciding what would be best for Seamus this year. He has had the BEST teachers...in fact, back in my " I would never put my children in public school days" I didn't think teachers like this existed, but oh they do and they were wonderful... still are wonderful. He had very strong, very firm, yet very kind and wise female teachers, but this year he wanted something different, and to be honest I wanted something different for him too....and well, the fun Mr. Mac would have been just great...
But not to be and I knew it. So, I spent the last couple of weeks preparing him. Highlighting how much the other teacher-the once again, firm, strong and kind female-really was great, and really really wanted him in her class, and how he is just oh so smart and works so hard that being with the grade 4s, in a 3/4 split class would mean he could learn so many cool things, and that I was "pretty sure" his very best friend was going to be in that split class. He never really processed it out loud with me, but the last couple of days I heard him talk even more about how great it would be to be with that best friend, and how in "her class, we will get to build these really cool castles and learn more about knights and midevil times"-he really was working hard to convince himself this was going to be alright...
But this morning, when all of his other friends were running around screaming with delight that they were in Mr. Mac's and when his very very best friend wasn't there because they decided to spend an extra couple days in Germany-where they are from-and he is standing in line watching so outgoing and laughing Mr. Mac high five everyone and his teacher comes out, so prim and proper and reminds them to "stay in line" and there is no one-no real close friend there with him.......
Well, let's just say that Mama came over and he came home with me-just until recess. Just so we could process that best friend will be back very soon and she really is a nice teacher and he does have friends there, just maybe not the ones he was thinking, and he will learn about castles and knights and wow, he is so stinking smart.......and after some tears-from both of us to be honest, he was ready to go back and he did, quite well I might add and went bravely into that classroom and blew a kiss good-bye saying "I'm fine now mom." and I left.....
left to go to the office to ask about these class lists and really....no other close friend... and really couldn't he have the fun one for once and we talk and we talk and when I am done talking and hashing it all out, I feel better. I know he needs to be there, I know he simply CANNOT handle SOOOO laid back and that he is too bright and when bored, wow, he acts up and he starts to look like a really "bad kid" and that I assure you he is not.....
So today I am thankful.... thankful that Seamus has come so far that with some time and processing and talking it through, he was able to get it together and be so brave to go back to that not-so-fun class. I am thankful that his teachers really are looking out for him-even if it doesn't feel like it-and they are SOO SOOO invested in him having a good year and that I could talk to them and lay out my concerns and to be honest, they would have switched him, they really would have, and isn't that great, and for the extra support staff they have to talk with him about hockey and to ask about the summer and make him feel okay when he is missing that best friend......
I cannot ever believe there was a time that I spoke so terribly about "the public school system". Seamus, with his whole host of things/issues/struggles/quirks-he is thriving and learning like crazy and they are great, really really great. and he has met the most interesting kids-kids from totally different cultures, and value systems, and family make-ups and I LOVE IT. He isn't just learning about those things, he is living it and wow, those are so amazing life lessons to learn when you are 7-about faith and being true to Jesus when your really great friend is Muslim, about saying no to violent video games when you play at a friends house who is allowed to play anything, about saying sorry and realizing that our friends, even at 7 can mean everything and we can really hurt them.......
Rocky start, but I have a feeling this is going to be a good one.....
me
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Superhero
I am in the shower and I hear it.... the same thing I hear just about everytime I take a shower. Running, hard thumps, screaming, and general noise....up to no good noise!!!
I am just about to yell out, to remind them of the rules of the house, to tell them STOP in perhaps not the most friendly manner, when wait.... what is that I here:
"I am the superhero now, where is that villian? Run oh run as fast as you can," with more screaming and running. But that voice is not the children, it's my husband Gary.
I guess he decided to join in the fun and who I am to stop that!!!
To be honest, with the shift in perspective-smiling as I stand there soaking wet and picturing them running all through the house, laughing at daddy who is now wearing a really really small red cape-the noise didn't seem so bad and I found myself wondering what do I always feel the need to STOP IT.... to make their play clean and tidy, quiet and controlled.
Life is messy and loud and chaos and craziness. Wow, that is hard for me to accept. I have the vision in my mind about what my life should look like and sometimes two really active, loud, dare I say aggressive sports loving, wrestling fanatics, boys don't always fit into my perfect vision. Silly really...
I am so busy cleaning up from my life, that I am actually not living it!!!
For that moment, Dad was Superhero because he allowed himself the pure pleasure of joining, accepting them both for exactly who they are and flying through the house in a red cape...
Now that's living....
Me
PS: sorry for the quietness on this space. Thanks for the emails wondering-at least I know you are out there!!! Work has really really been beyond busy, in fact, emotionally very difficult with tough decisions being made for children and really tough days. At the end, I barely have enough to give to those who are the most important. Things are looking up though and settling, so life should resume a little more like normal.
I am just about to yell out, to remind them of the rules of the house, to tell them STOP in perhaps not the most friendly manner, when wait.... what is that I here:
"I am the superhero now, where is that villian? Run oh run as fast as you can," with more screaming and running. But that voice is not the children, it's my husband Gary.
I guess he decided to join in the fun and who I am to stop that!!!
To be honest, with the shift in perspective-smiling as I stand there soaking wet and picturing them running all through the house, laughing at daddy who is now wearing a really really small red cape-the noise didn't seem so bad and I found myself wondering what do I always feel the need to STOP IT.... to make their play clean and tidy, quiet and controlled.
Life is messy and loud and chaos and craziness. Wow, that is hard for me to accept. I have the vision in my mind about what my life should look like and sometimes two really active, loud, dare I say aggressive sports loving, wrestling fanatics, boys don't always fit into my perfect vision. Silly really...
I am so busy cleaning up from my life, that I am actually not living it!!!
For that moment, Dad was Superhero because he allowed himself the pure pleasure of joining, accepting them both for exactly who they are and flying through the house in a red cape...
Now that's living....
Me
PS: sorry for the quietness on this space. Thanks for the emails wondering-at least I know you are out there!!! Work has really really been beyond busy, in fact, emotionally very difficult with tough decisions being made for children and really tough days. At the end, I barely have enough to give to those who are the most important. Things are looking up though and settling, so life should resume a little more like normal.
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