WARNING...LOTS OF JUDGMENTAL PARENTING COMMENTS IN THE POST BELOW!!! YOU ASKED, I ANSWERED...

I have noticed that quite a few blogs that I frequent have been talking about a particular parenting book -"To Train Up A Child" by Michael Pearl. Apparently a child has died and the parents are stating they were simply following the advice of that particular book in terms of discipline..I need to point out that I have not read the book. It is not one I would be drawn to. I don't know anyone who has read the book either personally-other than through blog land. I have certainly been reading other's entries and comments very interesting.

I am in no way judging others who parent/discipline in a different way than we do-wait...actually I do judge that....

I thought I would comment as a couple of people in blog land have asked me specifically what "regulations" exist in terms of physical discipline with children. Given what I do for a living, I happened to have some important information, specifically for Canadians-sorry my American blog friends.....

In Canada, you are not permitted to use ANY physical discipline on a child under the age of 2 and over the age of 12. This is completely opposite of the Pearl's apparent teaching that advocates spanking/switching infants as a form of sleep training (AGHAST!!!) They also apparently advocate that type of discipline on young infants/babies to prevent whining and crying as they get older or if the touch things they shouldn't (I think someone referenced the Pearl's advice to actually put out objects as a test for very young children and then spank when their natural curiosity leads them to the temptation..oh my!!)

As well, you are not permitted to use ANY objects to spank. There is to be no belts, no switches, no wooden spoons-NOTHING. I know there was Christian teaching about 20 years ago that advocated using an object so the child would not associate the pain of the spanking with the actual hands of the parent-apparently it was supposed to be better for the parent-child relationship. Whether it is a hand, or your hand holding an object, children WILL perceive that the parent is giving the spanking-that simply is crazy talking to think the child would resent the object and not the parent. I know someone personally who followed this advice 20 years ago and left such a welt on the child because by using an object, they had a hard time controlling the force of the spanking. She never did that again...

As well, if one is to spank, they may ONLY spank basically on the bum. The language in the Child and Family Services Act is longer, but effectively means only the bum area. You cannot hit on the face, the arms, the back of the legs, the head....nowhere else, under any circumstances.

And lastly, that spanking CANNOT leave a mark-in any way-there cannot be bruises welts, handprints (trust me when I say I have see children's bums at work in which they were spanked a couple of hours ago and I could still see the parents' entire handprint!!)

The organization that I work for has been lobbying the government for even tighter regulations on spanking, with our goal to not allow spanking at all. I get that people don't like the government telling them how to parent and what works for them. I also get that people often parent the way they were parented, and for a lot of people, that involved spanking. It can be hard to break that cycle and do something different. I also get how tempting it is to use discipline that is swift and on the surface appears to work. It stops the negative behavior and the children seemed to have "learned their lesson."

However, what is at times easier, is not better; What was done in the past is not always okay; and if you are a Christian, just because the book uses a bible verse or two, does not make the message of the book doctrine. I would suggest reading the Dr. Sear's book on Discipline (I am not always 100% in agreement with Dr. Sears, however very much like his use of the infamous, and often not understood bible verse, "spare the rod, spoil the child.")

It is my opinion that we are so obsessed with what our children will become, character development for when they are adults, not spoiling them because "when they are twelve, fifteen....", that we completely forget to enjoy the time they are little and that even now, what they are experiencing and the parenting they are receiving should be geared for now-not always for later. Doing something that in your gut doesn't feel right just because "if I don't, they will get away with it....I said I would spank, so I need to follow through.." is simply inappropriate.

Please remember what is developmentally appropriate. For instance, cause and effect reasoning does not even fully develop until between the ages of 6-9-and some would argue, even later. Any earlier signs that your child is listening because they know what the consequence will be is simply CONDITIONING. Intro Psychology class, we learned about Pavlov's dog in which having him sit, get a treat, and eventually, they didn't give him the treat, but he was salivating for it-they CONDITIONED him to salivate even without the treat... Sadly, people use this logic in parenting their children-they CONDITION them. I have said often-just because you can condition a child, doesn't make it right and certainly does not make it an okay parenting tool...

Do what feels best. God has given Mothers in particular an instinct to love and nurture their children. I don't know any mother who says wow-that felt good to spank little Suzy. No, almost all have said, that felt awful-it didn't feel good and I apologized after and I felt guilty, and on an on....Trust that! Look into Christian parenting books-Graceful Parenting as an example-that look at all of Christ's teaching as it relates to parenting and focus on building HEALTHY relationships in which you mirror Christ to your children-yes, in discipline and in grace and forgiveness....

There is nothing I can teach my child-no character quality, no life lesson, no value that should come at the expense of the relationship I am forming with them-attachment. The rest will come.....

That's my two cents...

Me

A 7 year old's perspective on weight loss....

Picture me lying in bed, on my side, facing out. Seamus is cuddled into my back-yes, he still sleeps with us, along with Mahone, in a double bed (oh what fun the family bed is...but that is a post for a different day...)

Anyway.... Seamus all of a sudden, as if struck by something, sits up in bed, looks at me and stretching his hands out says, I think in a favorable way, intended to make me feel good way..."mom, you used to be 2 metres wide and I think now you are 1 metre." He is smiling, rubbing my back at this point and says "way to go!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him being 1 metre wide is not necessarily what I am aiming for....

Me.

Just give me happy....

There was a time when I loved the drama... There was a time when I loved a good psychological thriller of a movie, an intense-maybe even scary, book.

Now, I just want happy. I want to laugh;  I want to maybe cry a happy tear;  I want it all to work out in the end-I want the "happily ever after."

So many times this week people have come to me recommending I see the movie Precious. I am sure everyone knows about this movie. It is about a girl, who is horribly sexually, physically and emotionally abused. It is her overcoming unspeakable trauma to change her life. I get it! I get that this would be inspiring on one level, that it would be moving beyond words.... But I cannot handle it. I simply couldn't watch that movie or read that book.

It is not that I want to be ignorant about awful things. Certainly day in and day out my profession allows me the honor of walking along side children who have suffered exactly that type of abuse. I KNOW it is out there. I know the depths of evil-and I do not use that word loosely. You would think I would for sure be able to handle that type of movie given that it is not real-not real people, all scripted-especially since I am dealing with the real thing, no scripts, no producers, no set designers....

I think however, that it is BECAUSE of what I do, that I just want HAPPY. Actually, it is perhaps more accurate to say I NEED happy.....

So really... unless Jennifer Anistan is in it-don't invite me to the movies.....

Me.

Gratitude Monday-On Tuesday (Yes, it is that kind of week already...)

This truly is one of my busiest seasons-at home, at work, hockey for Seamus....Every year around this time, the to-do list expands, and with it, my emotions overwhelm. I have sleepless nights-at a time when I need all the rest I can get; I have cranky periods, at a time when I need all the relationship support I can get, and I don't take the time to eat good food at a time when I need all the energy healthy food can offer.....

That is why this discipline of keeping a list on Mondays-even if it is Tuesday-of things I am grateful for is SO important. It gives me perspective and reminds me of everything I have....

11. Fresh banana bread for breakfast

12. Feeling at least somewhat accomplished today at work

13. A teenager (and we know how fun they can be at times!!) thanking me for making a decision I made that while she does not like it, knows it keeps her safe and she is thankful I had the guts to make it-her words, not mine!!! AMAZING

14. Seeing the art drawn on the window when I pulled in the driveway at the end of the day-wow, Seamus can really draw hockey people!!

15. A husband who came home smiling.....

Me

Bitterness isn't really a friend to me!!!!

I am reading a book I signed out from the library-"The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" and wow... has it been showing me a thing or two...about myself!!!

I didn't go to the library to get this particular book. I was there looking for some Spring books for the kids. It was one of those "good mommy days"-you know the ones, when all is well, you are calm, happy, focused, able to handle all the tears, poop, snot (from the nose and the attitude!) that comes your way...I was in a good place, but for some reason this book popped itself off the shelf into my hands that day.

Oh...perhaps I should share the subtitle-Depression, Stress, Fatigue, Burnout...yes, those would be "hidden feelings" for sure.

I am lucky that I am not someone who has struggled with depression; not that I haven't had depressing moments for sure-perhaps even depression seasons, but overall, this is not my struggle. Stress-well, that goes without saying. I am the classic Type A that always tries to accomplish too much, take on too much, really running around like a mad woman and my blood pressure and dizzy spells are there to remind me of that. Fatigue-isn't that true for every mom-I haven't slept in 7 years and don't see that changing any time soon. BUT.... it was the chapter on Burnout that offered the most surprise to me...

All while reading, I was nodding my head, underlining the text, reading out loud whole sections to anyone who would listen.. It was me, through and through! I wasn't even that surprised by the symptoms they listed-what stunned-dare I say poked me-were the causes, specifically BITTERNESS.

I am simply bitter a lot of the time. I am bitter that I feel I cannot take a shower without interruption, that I cannot have a conversation in my own home without someone needing me for something, that while both my husband and I work outside of the home, I still have to organize all the household tasks, make all the doctors appointments, buy the groceries, note when Spirit Day is at school, pay the childcare, and do about 95% of the nighttime settling especially for Mahone.. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to admit that my husband is amazing at helping out with "chores", he is a great hands on dad who sits and makes castles on the floor, but it is MY head that is filled with it all, not his. It feels like everything is ultimately MY responsibility and wow-isn't it wonderful when he "helps" -oh and PS: how come when I do work around the house, no one thanks me for "helping".... See, BITTER!!!!

Anyway-before I make myself worse-this bitterness is creating a feeling of burnout for me in my most important role of mother. Most days, my internal reserves for coping with the smallest of mothering demands can send me quite literally over the edge... I don't like that feeling, I don't like the tension, I don't like Seamus saying "why are you talking like that all of a sudden?" or Mahone saying "don't be grumpy. I want you to be happy mommy..." Yes, honestly aches for me to write it........ My only comfort is that at least my children feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their feelings-oh, how much worse it would be if my bitterness were creating fear.....

No, not fear, not horror, not anything so terrible-just that miserable, "everything is not all right" feeling... an experience I really do not want for my children.

So, bitterness is not my friend and while there are times I LOVE to wallow in it, it is time we parted ways....

Not sure how yet... Not sure what that will look like..

 I will let you know what my book.....and my Christ... reveals....

Me

1976

On our street, time has stood still and it continues to be 1976!

Every now and then there is day around here that makes me realize how fortunate we truly are to be living in this time bubble... yesterday was that day..

It was a bright, sunny and crazy warm day outside. By 9:00am, my 7 year old was outside on the front yard playing-guess what, ON HIS OWN. I do not have to sit there and watch, making sure he does not run out onto a busy street, I know-I mean REALLY know every neighbor, every car-as does he. BY 9:20, I was hearing other voices out there-two neighbor children joined in the game. BY 9:30, a neighbor came down with a cup of tea and we sat out in the amazing sun and had breakfast together.. What fun feeding more than you expected!! I actually mean that..

We said hello to all the dogs out for their morning walks-those dogs that have much nicer owners than our poor Kailey!! 

By 10:30, most of us have left for Maple Madness-we mids' well drive together and make a day of it.... We hike in, take the wagon out.. We are home around 2:30 full of mud and a full belly...

I come inside to switch laundry. Mahone sleeps on the sofa-he just needs a quick cat nap to make it through supper!! Seamus is back outside of course, running through the neighbor's lawns with his soccer ball.. I think you know where this is going.. Of course, they all join in and of course, we all meet back outside-again with tea (there is a common theme here-tea during the day and wine at night....) 

By this time, Gramma is finished her work for the day and she has walked down for a visit. We all decide we MUST go to the park. We pick up "stray" children as we walk.. Oh what fun games of "grounder", "sewage"-don't ask about that one!!!, "hide and go seek".  As an aside: MAHONE HAS NO FEAR!!!!

Home again, I make brownies-trying out a new recipe. When done, I divide them out to be delivered to well...just about everyone..We eat supper. Hubby stays in after supper and does Mahone's nighttime routine. I head out with-you guessed it- neighbors. We take our older kids to the fabric store!!! You just never know what you will find when you rumage through the fabric store for an hour!!!! I have a project or two now to do for Seamus-including a set of hockey sheets...

We come home, have that last glass of wine and part our ways. Seamus runs ahead of me in the dark, with no fear, no hesitation, no questions... 

It is 1976 and we are raising FREE RANGE KIDS!!!

Maple Madness-Spring has Sprung!

Today marks the official day of Spring for my family. I know, I know, it isn't technically upon us, but this morning, we are preparing ourselves for Maple Madness. This is an annual event that happens at our Conversation Area. We have gone every year for 6 years-since we moved back to this city. We always go with friends-it is funny in a way to see each year who goes with us-almost marks stages of friendship...sadness sometimes comes along with us as we remember friends that have moved away or simply have moved on....

It is sunny, warm and we are starving for pancakes and fresh syrup...

The rain boots, splash pants and backpacks are ready-Spring, here we come!!!!

PS: hopefully my camera will be fixed soon and I can actually post some pictures-I haven't forgotten my promise mom!!!