Friday, March 19, 2010

Bitterness isn't really a friend to me!!!!

I am reading a book I signed out from the library-"The Hidden Feelings of Motherhood" and wow... has it been showing me a thing or two...about myself!!!

I didn't go to the library to get this particular book. I was there looking for some Spring books for the kids. It was one of those "good mommy days"-you know the ones, when all is well, you are calm, happy, focused, able to handle all the tears, poop, snot (from the nose and the attitude!) that comes your way...I was in a good place, but for some reason this book popped itself off the shelf into my hands that day.

Oh...perhaps I should share the subtitle-Depression, Stress, Fatigue, Burnout...yes, those would be "hidden feelings" for sure.

I am lucky that I am not someone who has struggled with depression; not that I haven't had depressing moments for sure-perhaps even depression seasons, but overall, this is not my struggle. Stress-well, that goes without saying. I am the classic Type A that always tries to accomplish too much, take on too much, really running around like a mad woman and my blood pressure and dizzy spells are there to remind me of that. Fatigue-isn't that true for every mom-I haven't slept in 7 years and don't see that changing any time soon. BUT.... it was the chapter on Burnout that offered the most surprise to me...

All while reading, I was nodding my head, underlining the text, reading out loud whole sections to anyone who would listen.. It was me, through and through! I wasn't even that surprised by the symptoms they listed-what stunned-dare I say poked me-were the causes, specifically BITTERNESS.

I am simply bitter a lot of the time. I am bitter that I feel I cannot take a shower without interruption, that I cannot have a conversation in my own home without someone needing me for something, that while both my husband and I work outside of the home, I still have to organize all the household tasks, make all the doctors appointments, buy the groceries, note when Spirit Day is at school, pay the childcare, and do about 95% of the nighttime settling especially for Mahone.. Don't get me wrong, I am the first to admit that my husband is amazing at helping out with "chores", he is a great hands on dad who sits and makes castles on the floor, but it is MY head that is filled with it all, not his. It feels like everything is ultimately MY responsibility and wow-isn't it wonderful when he "helps" -oh and PS: how come when I do work around the house, no one thanks me for "helping".... See, BITTER!!!!

Anyway-before I make myself worse-this bitterness is creating a feeling of burnout for me in my most important role of mother. Most days, my internal reserves for coping with the smallest of mothering demands can send me quite literally over the edge... I don't like that feeling, I don't like the tension, I don't like Seamus saying "why are you talking like that all of a sudden?" or Mahone saying "don't be grumpy. I want you to be happy mommy..." Yes, honestly aches for me to write it........ My only comfort is that at least my children feel comfortable enough to talk to me about their feelings-oh, how much worse it would be if my bitterness were creating fear.....

No, not fear, not horror, not anything so terrible-just that miserable, "everything is not all right" feeling... an experience I really do not want for my children.

So, bitterness is not my friend and while there are times I LOVE to wallow in it, it is time we parted ways....

Not sure how yet... Not sure what that will look like..

 I will let you know what my book.....and my Christ... reveals....


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