I have noticed that quite a few blogs that I frequent have been talking about a particular parenting book -"To Train Up A Child" by Michael Pearl. Apparently a child has died and the parents are stating they were simply following the advice of that particular book in terms of discipline..I need to point out that I have not read the book. It is not one I would be drawn to. I don't know anyone who has read the book either personally-other than through blog land. I have certainly been reading other's entries and comments very interesting.
I am in no way judging others who parent/discipline in a different way than we do-wait...actually I do judge that....
I thought I would comment as a couple of people in blog land have asked me specifically what "regulations" exist in terms of physical discipline with children. Given what I do for a living, I happened to have some important information, specifically for Canadians-sorry my American blog friends.....
In Canada, you are not permitted to use ANY physical discipline on a child under the age of 2 and over the age of 12. This is completely opposite of the Pearl's apparent teaching that advocates spanking/switching infants as a form of sleep training (AGHAST!!!) They also apparently advocate that type of discipline on young infants/babies to prevent whining and crying as they get older or if the touch things they shouldn't (I think someone referenced the Pearl's advice to actually put out objects as a test for very young children and then spank when their natural curiosity leads them to the temptation..oh my!!)
As well, you are not permitted to use ANY objects to spank. There is to be no belts, no switches, no wooden spoons-NOTHING. I know there was Christian teaching about 20 years ago that advocated using an object so the child would not associate the pain of the spanking with the actual hands of the parent-apparently it was supposed to be better for the parent-child relationship. Whether it is a hand, or your hand holding an object, children WILL perceive that the parent is giving the spanking-that simply is crazy talking to think the child would resent the object and not the parent. I know someone personally who followed this advice 20 years ago and left such a welt on the child because by using an object, they had a hard time controlling the force of the spanking. She never did that again...
As well, if one is to spank, they may ONLY spank basically on the bum. The language in the Child and Family Services Act is longer, but effectively means only the bum area. You cannot hit on the face, the arms, the back of the legs, the head....nowhere else, under any circumstances.
And lastly, that spanking CANNOT leave a mark-in any way-there cannot be bruises welts, handprints (trust me when I say I have see children's bums at work in which they were spanked a couple of hours ago and I could still see the parents' entire handprint!!)
The organization that I work for has been lobbying the government for even tighter regulations on spanking, with our goal to not allow spanking at all. I get that people don't like the government telling them how to parent and what works for them. I also get that people often parent the way they were parented, and for a lot of people, that involved spanking. It can be hard to break that cycle and do something different. I also get how tempting it is to use discipline that is swift and on the surface appears to work. It stops the negative behavior and the children seemed to have "learned their lesson."
However, what is at times easier, is not better; What was done in the past is not always okay; and if you are a Christian, just because the book uses a bible verse or two, does not make the message of the book doctrine. I would suggest reading the Dr. Sear's book on Discipline (I am not always 100% in agreement with Dr. Sears, however very much like his use of the infamous, and often not understood bible verse, "spare the rod, spoil the child.")
It is my opinion that we are so obsessed with what our children will become, character development for when they are adults, not spoiling them because "when they are twelve, fifteen....", that we completely forget to enjoy the time they are little and that even now, what they are experiencing and the parenting they are receiving should be geared for now-not always for later. Doing something that in your gut doesn't feel right just because "if I don't, they will get away with it....I said I would spank, so I need to follow through.." is simply inappropriate.
Please remember what is developmentally appropriate. For instance, cause and effect reasoning does not even fully develop until between the ages of 6-9-and some would argue, even later. Any earlier signs that your child is listening because they know what the consequence will be is simply CONDITIONING. Intro Psychology class, we learned about Pavlov's dog in which having him sit, get a treat, and eventually, they didn't give him the treat, but he was salivating for it-they CONDITIONED him to salivate even without the treat... Sadly, people use this logic in parenting their children-they CONDITION them. I have said often-just because you can condition a child, doesn't make it right and certainly does not make it an okay parenting tool...
Do what feels best. God has given Mothers in particular an instinct to love and nurture their children. I don't know any mother who says wow-that felt good to spank little Suzy. No, almost all have said, that felt awful-it didn't feel good and I apologized after and I felt guilty, and on an on....Trust that! Look into Christian parenting books-Graceful Parenting as an example-that look at all of Christ's teaching as it relates to parenting and focus on building HEALTHY relationships in which you mirror Christ to your children-yes, in discipline and in grace and forgiveness....
There is nothing I can teach my child-no character quality, no life lesson, no value that should come at the expense of the relationship I am forming with them-attachment. The rest will come.....
That's my two cents...
Me
We have laws saying that my husband cannot hit me. We have laws saying that I cannot hit the person who angers me at the grocery store. We have laws that say that teachers cannot hit children, and that children cannot hit each other. Why on earth then do we have a law in Canada that still allows parents to hit their children?
ReplyDeletedon't know your email..don't know if you will check your work one that I have for you...assuming this comment will go into your inbox??
ReplyDeleteI am in kingston saturday. I will be bringing the cradle...do you want me to drop it off at your house or do you want me to take it to the consignment shop, get money for it and bring THAT to you?????
whatever you want to do.
Alyson